How do you make Bears listen to a story? Take away the B and they’re all ears.

The broken light.

Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy.

An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said.

“This is not a job for just one person. You need more people to help you.” He said, so I got my wife to help. Still no good.

“More people” he said as he saw it still not working. So at that point, I got my son and daughter to help as well but still no luck

“Many more.” He said. Luckily the neighbors were home and after a quick discussion with them I had the whole clan from next door over to help. In total there were now 11 people, plus the maintenance man in the lounge.

At this point the maintenance man tells me to get everyone to touch the switch and to try it again and sure enough, it worked. I was flabbergasted and asked how and why this had worked now where it wouldn’t before with just myself

He replied ” Many hands make light work”

I’m trying out this new all-sugar diet. It’s pretty sweet.

The thing is that over my life, I’ve had to rebuild my body three times.

There was a time my bike got hit by a speeding car, a car wreck, and a dropped motorcycle.

I’ve found that I can do it, but really nobody should have to rebuild themselves. Once is quite enough.

Working out can be a blast, like these insane inline skate workouts that I used to do and have to slow myself down from doing again. 13.5 miles instead of 33 and that sort of thing where a workout becomes an Exercise in Logistics instead of maintaining a steady 173 BPM heart rate over an hour and a half.

If you are looking down at your belt and it … disappears, it’s time to look at ways to burn an extra calorie or five in many ways. When I blew my knee out during a race, I found myself getting off the train an extra stop, then two to walk the extra distance.

I’d get to work and for a while, I would climb the stair tower up and down to the office. Since the office was up on the Ninth Floor, it was a respectable way to burn a few.

These folks here, well they’re working on the 60th floor. I’d suspect if they’re climbing a 60 floor stair tower, they are nowhere near Fort Lauderdale, and have other problems to look after.

 

Three friends work in a skyscraper

All three friends work at the 60th floor.
One day the elevator doesn’t work so they have to take the stairs.
The three friends make a decision that one of them will sing for 20 floors, the next will make jokes for the next 20 floors and the last friend will tell tall tales for the last 20 floors.

Once the friends reach the 40th floor the friends had a great time. The songs and jokes were appreciated.
Now it’s the turn of the last friend, and the tall tales are also very much appreciated.

When they reach the door of their office at the 60th floor the friend of the tall tales and says:

“I have another tall tale for you guys, I forgot the keys to the office…”

Planting A Lemon Tree In A Stump – Video

(WordPress at my level does not provide inline video links.  If you want to see the time lapse, the link below has it.  My Blogger link has it as well here.)

Youtube has an amazing amount of videos on it.

Some of them are amazing.  I don’t really think this one is amazing, but it did give me an excuse to use the time lapse feature on the camera.

Then hacked a bunch of titles on to it.

So the slightly longer story is that I had a rather beautiful palm tree in the backyard.  It was about 30 plus feet tall and you could see it easily a block away.

I did say “had”.

It got sick, infected with some sort of fungus, and started to die off.

We removed the tree, and it produced a trash can lid sized stump in the grass that was begging to have something done to it.

In the meantime, I was growing a lemon tree from seed because we couldn’t find just the kind of lemon tree that someone wanted.

You know “Regular” Lemons.  Not Meyer Lemons or Stripey ones or giant ones.  Regular.

Since the yard is over planted, and I have zero room for anything else, I got the bright idea to grind the stump in the yard and create a planter.

Believe it or not, what gave me the idea was a Grizzly Bear.

Actually the Bear was a statue created by an Artist in Solebury Township, PA.

See, if you are heading to New Hope, PA from my old house in Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia, PA, you drive North on US 202 past Doylestown, PA.  Once you are getting close to New Hope, you reach a curve.  On the curve is an artist who makes things with chainsaws.  Believe it or not they’re quite nice, although I can’t see having a ten foot tall wooden Grizzly Bear on my little property up there, so I never got one.

The yard is way too small for a Grizzly Bear here, but if he can cut away a stump to make a bear, I certainly could hack my way through to make a hole to put a Lemon Tree Seedling.

Or it will be “A Tree” in five years or more.  Maybe we will get lemons from it, I don’t know.

To paraphrase the old parable, If you want to drink Lemonade today, You should have planted the lemon tree five years ago.

After all, someone here wanted one, and I figured I owed him something.  More than that little seedling tree at any rate and it is the right type of tree.

Besides, his birthday is coming up so while I won’t call this a birthday present, I will call it a “gesture”.

Happy Gesture, enjoy your little tree.

Oh, and there are two more that I have to find homes for, so unless you want me getting “creative” planting things, you may want to make a “sug-gesture” of your own.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

Nothing like a few short jokes to clear your head, and today I am continuing that on from yesterday.

Just look at them and smile, I’m sure there’s something to be a bit edgy for someone here!

—- Short Jokes —-
An eight year old girl went to office with her dad on “Take your kids to work Day”…

As they were walking around the little girl starting crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

A woman was walking home with her 3 daughters.
The first one asked here “Mom why did you chose my name” and the mom says “Well, when we were walking home from the hospital a rose petal fell on your head so we named you Rose”

The second daughter then asks. “What about me?” The mom responds “On the way home from the hospital a lily petal fell onto your head sober called you Lily.”

The third daughter then says “HHHGGGGGHGLLHHHGGGGGGGGFFFFLFFFGHGG” And the mom replies “Hush now cinder block”

….

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my drowning dog, after he climbed out he handed me my dog and said “Here is your dog, keep him dry and warm and he will be fine” I asked, “Are you a vet?”.

He replied, “Vet? I am soaking”

Slept like a log last night… woke up in the fireplace..

Actually that’s not strictly true. I don’t have a fireplace in my house. It’s in Florida, and if you are lucky you get to use it once a year.

On the other hand, a couple of my neighbors have a Chiminea or an outside fireplace. It’s always a little odd when you step outside and smell burning wood, but they do enjoy sitting out there.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place.
Man: Awwww … Are you single?

Woman: No. I’m a dentist.
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
He also was a very spiritual person.
Finally, because he didn’t eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at…

The bartender tells him “It’s all in the eye of the beer holder”

 

Two muffins are in an oven

The first muffin says “Oh my, it’s getting hot in here!”

The second muffin turns around in shock and screams, “OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

How Long Will They Stay, or, If It Doesn’t Bring You Joy, Set It Free

Over the last few years there have been a bunch of articles.

Actually quite a few articles, so I’ll be lazy and not look for them.

One after another says that when the Boomer goes into the Home, the Millennial doesn’t want “It”.

“It” being “Brown Furniture”.  It’s also the Great Generation’s China that the Boomer inherited as well as a long list of things that they can’t be bothered with.

I’ve come to realize that those Millennials are making a whole lot of sense.

You see, last weekend we went to Ikea. You know the place?  Giant box of a store filled with right-sized food, furniture that you build yourself, and everything is named by throwing a dart at a Swedish Telephone Book?  I am rather fond of Ikea, and the clean lines on the furniture and the names and the possibility of getting some of those awesome cookies at the end is all part of the fun.

Besides being given a Poang Rocking Chair that I am enjoying very much, we got a China Cabinet.  I’ve been trained to call them a Tallboy, but that could just be my own warped version of English so pay me never mind.

It took all weekend to get the mother-lode of boxes into the house, opened, proofread, and then assembled.  The tallboy is taller than I am so it is truly tall.

To get this beast of a piece of white furniture where it is needed, we had to clear out the old cabinet of its glassware.

Now, Husvik the Tallboy, and Poang the Rocker live in my dining room.

This was where I realized the wisdom of the Millennial.

I was confronted with my glassware from when I was in my first apartment.  Some glasses leftover from when I was a child.  Some more glasses that I pulled out of the landscaping over the years.

Rather a lot of glassware.  In fact so much so that we began to pile it and all the Onesie-Twosie oddball glasses into a low box.

After considering how to get rid of all that strange one off and two off drink-ware, I merely moved the box out to the front of the property.

After all, how much of this stuff can you use at any given moment?   We have never had an actual party in this house, despite knowing that it was the party house on the block before my boring self moved in.

Swimming pool and Dry Bar not withstanding.

So how did it go?  The box is still out in front of the house.  I’m going to keep putting it out in the morning, and picking it up at night until it is gone or the next trash day happens.

Stay tuned, Fellow Babies, Stay tuned!

So I waited.  The box went out there at 8 in the morning.  Mind you, I live on a street with a fair amount of foot traffic.  People walk from apartments and day rentals to the Shops and Restaurants here all day long.

Lunch came.

Box Stayed.

Mid afternoon crash happened.  Not too happy about that Nod-Off but blood sugar and high metabolism will do that to an athlete.

Box stayed.

Dinner hour hit.  I walked Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM).

Came home and the box was still there.

I stood up to close the blinds and was told that I should just close the blinds and ignore it.  We just don’t want a box of potential missiles to reside on the driveway over night.

It turns out that in the first half hour of night, someone came by and moved my weird mismatched glasses on to their new home.

No more Crown Royal Old Fashioned Glasses.

No more Highball Glasses.

Gone is the cut glass goblet (singular, all the rest suffered deceleration trauma over the years).

Even the “extra” glass that came from a Bag Of Crap that once blinked from LEDs in the bottom of it.

Goodnight Glasses, er Moon!

Bye Bye!  With my blessings.

Now if I can just get rid of those plastic tubs of weird stuff in the back room… Hmmm.  Maybe a handful a day… I wonder if I can get away with that?

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!

With the usual weekend dementia, here’s a story about a talking dog. Personally, I think all dogs talk, I’m just not sure all people listen.

 

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says: “Ten dollars.”

The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”

The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”