My neighbors are listening to good music whether they like it or not.

Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout.

Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck.
As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out.

He asks “why does that Pig only have three legs?”
She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out.

He said “but why does the Pig only have three legs?”
She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him.

Again he asked “why does the Pig only have three legs?”
After all the Pig did for us, it didn’t seem right to eat him all at once.

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A Dad is washing a car with his son. The son asks: ‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

The first man: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his life and never even thought of another woman, so he was granted a brand new Corvette to drive for all of eternity.

The second man: He was a very good man. He Had one moment of weakness and cheated on his spouse but was forgiven and continued to live a life of faithfulness afterwards. For this, he was granted a used Ford pick-up truck to drive for all of eternity.

The third man: This man was intolerable. He had cheated on his spouse every chance he had gotten. For this, he was sentenced to drive an old beat up junker for the rest of eternity.

A few days later, the man in the junker glances down the highway and sees the man in the Corvette crying! The man pulls pulls up and proceeds to ask,

“Why are you crying? You have a wonderful car to enjoy for the rest of eternity! What could possibly be so troubling?”

The man in the Corvette turns and answers in a sobbing reply,

“I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard…”

Popcorn Peanut Brittle with Chocolate Chips

I got hungry.  This happened.  Tasty too!

Actually this had been in the back of my mind.  Something similar to any one of dozens of commercial Popcorn Peanut Toffee candies.

And boy is it good.  Just be careful, it’s not exactly a light dessert.

I followed my own recipe for Peanut Brittle, then poured it over some pre-popped popcorn.  But in case you want a recipe, here goes.

Popcorn:

  • Get a cookie sheet and line with Parchment Paper or Foil.
  • Lightly grease it.  (Optional).
  • Pop one bag of microwave popcorn or loose popcorn to cover the cookie sheet one layer deep.
  • Put the popcorn on to your cookie sheet.
  • Add two ounces of chocolate chips to the top of the popcorn, evenly.

Next:  Make Brittle.

Full recipe is at this link, but I will repeat it here after the process for this step.

4 ounces of cleaned and skinless nuts.  I used unsalted peanuts.

2 ounces/4 tablespoons of butter at room temperature and sliced into thin pieces.

1 cup of sugar.

2 ounces of water.

 

  • To a cold 2 quart saucepan, add the sugar and water.
  • Stir the ingredients to mix.
  • Turn on heat Medium High to High.
  • Boil until the mix turns “toffee colored”
  • Add the nuts, stir, and count to ten.
  • Add butter.  The butter will boil immediately.  Stir
  • Remove from heat and pour over the popcorn mix.

Serve:  Allow to cool fully, break into Bite Sized Pieces.

Oh! and all of it is 1400 calories plus your popcorn calories.

Which side of a leopard has more spots? The outside.

Since I’m putting this together early and am waiting for the pizza crust to rise a bit, he’s some cheese for you!

 

Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?

Da brie was everywhere!

Gouda thing nobody was hurt!

Did anyone else notice that things like these are becoming more and more provolone recently?

 

 

A girl asks a boy: “Peter, how much do you love me?”

The boy looks her in the eyes, “Look up at the stars, that’s how much I love you.”

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, “Exactly!”

 

 

Britain’s oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taken a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

 

 

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…

I told her not to get her hopes up. “After all,” I said, “we’re only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.” When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, “This is your thirty-second birthday.”

What’s the difference between a superhero and a professional wrestler? Superheroes fight for a just cause; wrestlers fight just ’cause.

Happy Veterans Day.  11/11/1917 at 11:11AM.  Someone with Clock OCD said we all stop fighting at that time, instead of stopping immediately.

 

And speaking of time:

 

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “you can’t come in here… you have to go to the other place”.

But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, “OK… here’s what I’ll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.”

The lawyer figured this wasn’t too bad of a deal, so he said “OK”.

St. Peter said, “Great… I’ll see you in 350 years.”.

The lawyer said, “But, how is that possible… I’m only 65 years old!”.

St Peter said, “We go by billing hours”.

Furthermore, Brains:
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and then, they asked him to count to ten.
The man counted, “two, four, six, eight, ten.”
Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten.
The man counted, “one, three, five, seven, nine.”
The scientists then removed both halves of the man’s brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, “look, we’re gonna count to ten. We’re gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can’t count to one-believe me, I’ve counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn’t count to ten. Well, I’m beating all of those people in the polls. We’re gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!”

Debian Linux Stretch – Backup or Restore Your Blog or Website Into Your New Server Using Blogger or WordPress

Writers will understand this.

Have you ever meant to write something but had no idea what to call it?  This is where I am at.

Basically these instructions will work with Blogger or WordPress.

It will work with any operating system because both of those are Cloud based.

WordPress may be “local” or on the cloud.

I tagged this with Debian because it’s a logical endpoint for a series of articles that I wrote here about how to create a Debian Web Server with WordPress so that you can muck about with your systems.

Blogger is only blogs, but these instructions for WordPress may be used for entire websites if you are working with WordPress only.

First: Export your Blog or Website

Blogger:

  1. Log in,
  2. Go to the Settings page
  3. Select Other
  4. Click on the button to “Back up content”
  5. Click on “Save to Computer”
  6. Tell the browser where to save the file.
  7. Success!

WordPress:

  1. Log in to your wp-admin page
  2. Click on “Tools”
  3. Click on “Export”
  4. Click on “Start Export” button
  5. Choose What To Export.  “All Content” is most likely.
  6. Click on “Download Export”
  7. Go to your email account that is specified in the message and follow the link to download your blog’s content.

Second: Import your Blog or Website

Blogger:

  1. Log in,
  2. Go to the Settings page
  3. Select Other
  4. Click on the button to “Import content”
  5. Check the box saying “I am not a Robot”
  6. Check the box saying “Automatically Publish”
  7. Answer the annoying Capcha and click the appropriate pictures
  8. Click on “Import from Computer”
  9. Tell the browser where to find the file.
  10. Success!

WordPress:

  1. Log in to your wp-admin page
  2. Click on “Tools”
  3. Click on “Import”
  4. Click on the link for the kind of blog you want to “Run Importer
  5. Click on “Browse” to Choose File to import.
  6. Find your file on your computer.
  7. Assign Author, Click the box saying to “Download and Import File Attachments”
  8. Click on “Submit”
  9. Success!  But note that the information will be in which ever template that you had chosen for the install of the WordPress software.  You will probably want to adjust that as needed since it probably does not match the original blog.

All this will take a while, go pet your dog, or make coffee.

 

At this point your server will have your blog or website.

In my case, it’s local so I can make changes to my look and feel without harming my “production” website.

That new site can be anywhere, it could be on WordPress on the cloud.

What did one mug say to another mug after they got mugged? Call the cups!

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn’t.

Officer: Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn’t speeding.

Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?

Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?

Officer: I can’t give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you’re a jerk!

 

 

I was at the gas station…
And I noticed this policeman watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas! I saw her and thought, “Is this lady stupid or crazy?! With the cop right there too!”
I went inside and paid for my gas and as I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and saw that the woman’s arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around like crazy!

I ran outside to help and saw that the cop had put her on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee! Then he put handcuffs on her and threw her in the back seat of his car. I was thinking “What kind of idiot smokes when pumping gas?” But being the nosy person that I am, I asked the cop what he was arresting her for.
He looked me square in the eyes and said … “Waving a firearm!”