Belling The Cat or How A Jingle Bell Helps A Mobility Scooter be More Mobile

I came to the conclusion that I had to bell the cat.   Santa needed to be invited to town in September.

We all have our moments, but this maxim that I have was illustrated to me perfectly clearly, when I took a friend to a supermarket.

You see that friend broke his foot.  He’s recovering from an emergency freak accident where the bone broke for no apparent reason.

Since he was in London, he got much better care than he would have gotten here in the US where even the doctors were amazed at the quality of care of the NHS.

I am thinking that had it happened in Philly, NYC, or LA he may have had a chance of a similar level of care, but at this point we’d be talking about selling his house to pay for it.

Thanks to the NHS (National Health Service) in the UK, he came home with a pair of shiny crutches, a cast on his leg, and a really fascinating collection of screws and stays to stabilize his bones.

We don’t know why nor will we ever know why it happened.

One thing he did not get was a scooter.  NHS does not supply them nor did his US Insurance since Insurance is not here to serve you so much as to try to keep as much of your money as possible while giving you the absolute minimum of care.

 

However, he did not have to pay a dime on the NHS.  At. All.

I just may move to Vermont or Southern California when I truly retire so I can have a walk across the border for my future meds in Canada or Mexico, but that’s a different story.

We have all seen these contraptions where you kneel on it and glide along to where you are going.

I’m afraid of that damn thing, he’s faster than I am while walking.

But he is also just this side of silent on it.

Since as my maxim goes, Other People Don’t Believe Society’s Rules Apply To Them, I went along as Security.  Being as tall as I am, people may not notice him but they surely won’t miss me and I can run interference.

As it was we both got crowded out of places we wanted to go.  My heart goes out to the wheelchair bound and the blind.  If we had trouble with all of this, I can only imagine what they go through.

So I had a brainstorm.  I belled the cat.

Not literally, don’t get your animal rights in a twist.

I put a jingle bell on the front of his scooter.

While going through his paces, now you can tell he’s coming.  He jingles.

Yes, I finally found a use for those over large jingle bells I found one holiday season and set aside.  It’s September and I have no pressing need for a golf ball sized bell, let alone two.

Taking a small piece of Copper Wire, I tied the things to his basket.

Yes, they have baskets, that is where you put your crap when you get out of the easy chair and scoot to the kitchen to do dishes, get your snacks, or use El Baño to get rid of same snacks.

It was helpful.  When he went to his next appointment, the bells were cheerily announcing his presence at a subliminal level and he had an easier time of it.

Next time if it happens, I swear I’m going to a toy store and getting a squeaky horn and some tassels.  The horn will shock people awake from their phones.

The Tassels is just because.  May as well have a sense of humor with it.   The horn should be as outrageous a color as possible since if you’re going to look silly, Own It!

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A lawyer walks into a bar. He should have ducked.

There are a few professions that get no respect.  Lawyers are one.

Even Shakespeare got into the game, however that specific quote didn’t really mean what we think it did.  “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers” is actually said by a criminal in how to improve a country.

In other words, how to make a place better is to remove all the laws.

Or as it was once explained to me, If you want Anarchy just get rid of the Lawyers.

Since it’s a Sunday Morning that’s a little deep so I’ll just lob these two lawyer related jokes over the fence for your enjoyment, neighbor.

 
An engineer dies and goes to hell.

When he gets down there and starts going through his punishment he get really tired of the constantly bad living conditions, so he starts working.

He makes an industrial air conditioner and gets the temperature under control.

He makes some industrial mining machines and clears the forced labor punishments.

He overhauls the living situations with an entire city of high rise apartments.

Eventually God looks down and notices that he’ll is no longer, well, hell. He calls the devil up to explain what’s going on so the devil tells him, “I got an engineer, it’s awesome!”

God exclaims “An engineer!? I’m sorry that was a mistake you need to send him to heaven where he belongs.”

The devil laughs and tells him no.

God says “don’t make me sue you over this.”

The devil starts cackling and asks “Where are YOU going to get a lawyer!”

God cooly replies “All the good ones argued their way out of hell.”

Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

A Baker’s Dozen of Themed One Liners

When you get people sending you jokes, you rapidly get a collection. Like all collections sometimes you get some patterns and groups. Variations on a theme.

My Jokes file is getting a bit long at this point so I collected a few of these themes and put them out for your “enjoyment”.

I do have a habit of liking “Dad Jokes” or “Groaners” so these should run pretty quickly for you.

 

Why do ducks make bad babysitters? Because they use fowl language!
Why did the Time Traveler run away from the park? The first time he went to one he ran over his grandpa while getting chased by a pair of ducks….
A doctor walks into a bar. He should have ducked.
Two men walk into a bar. . . “Doors over here,” says man number 3.
A perfectionist walks in to a bar. He walks out again because the bar wasn’t set high enough.
How did the vacuum cleaner die. It bit the dust.
How do you cure a peanut allergy? Give them peanuts.
How do churches acquire holy water? They boil the hell out of it.
Doctor, doctor I think I’m turning into a cat. Don’t ask meow.
I got my cat to cut my grass today. Such a good lawn meower.
Gave my cat a bath. I gave my cat a bath the other day… they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me too. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…
I have a bird feeder in my garden. It’s also a cat feeder.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted to challenge the powers of the establishment, which makes him not chicken at all if you ask me.

Remember

On September 11, 2001, I was sitting in my office.

I had recently ended my morning call to my rather competent client, and hadn’t yet gone to do battle for my client with my rather incompetent management at work.

Things started getting strange out in the hall outside my door.  It was a buzz that was unnatural.   One of those moments that remains in your mind a long time afterwords.

Internet access got slow.

My immediate boss came in and asked me to check the news.

That was how I learned that thousands of people were in the process of being murdered by a terrorist attack in NYC, The Pentagon, and Pennsylvania.

Suddenly my incompetent management problems at a University on North Broad Street in Philadelphia became even more unimportant than they were before, it became a September Tenth Problem.

Later we had heard of this once ever commercial put out by Budweiser Beer.  This went out on the Super Bowl in 2001 during Half Time.

I missed it.  Then as now, I aggressively skip commercials.

If I see a commercial there’s going to be a compelling reason for me to watch it.

As much as I try not to share Youtube links, here it is in case you have not seen it.

I took a video of my shoe yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.

Yep, it’s a two-fer. Haircuts and Lawyers. Or is it? reality is that both of these subjects are prime fodder for someone to twist into a story with a punch line at the end.
Not me though, it’s an early sunday morning and I need to go to skate!

 
How long before I can get a haircut?

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” . The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours”. The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About 2 hours”. The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes”. Bill comes back laughing hysterically after a while.

The barber asks “Bill, Where did he go when he left here?” Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”

 

 

 

A guy calls a law office…

A guy calls a law office and says: “I want to talk to my lawyer.”

The receptionist replies, “I`m sorry, but he died last week.”

The next day the guy phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and says, “I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”

And the guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”

Someone calls you a contrarian. How do you prove ‘em wrong? By agreeing.

One thing I have learned, if someone is in a position of wealth or power, they generally are at least clueless or lacking in common sense.

Sure they have specialized knowledge, but generally they aren’t the kind of person you want to associate with during your own personal time, without some sort of “reason”. It’s not normally completely a free association without strings attached.

This is the kind of thing I’ve seen in an office. So for me it’s more of a strange flashback sort of thing than a joke.

 
The CEO

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

 

On the other hand, Job Interviews are never a positive experience. I’ve been on both sides of the table and frankly it seems like you are trying to either be or dodge the gatekeepers.

So I got a certain smile with this next one

 
Job Interview

– How was your job interview yesterday?

– Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table… He pointed towards his Laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop.. He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of “The Wolf of Wall Street” movie.. So I took the laptop and left..

– Left…!! Then what? -Nothing 30 minutes later he called me up… begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it..
So I asked him: Will you buy it ??

Dorian’s Florida Sunset

The storm in South Florida was minimal.

It did however ruin Grand Bahama.

I saw a before/after map of the island where about 1/2 of the place was underwater.  There were videos of utterly demolished places with a random wall standing and other videos of where people were standing knee deep on their second floor as flood waters were turning their couches into pool floaties.

Watching the coverage on Bahamian National TV at ZNSBahamas.com you could hear the desperation in the voices of the callers.

And this storm isn’t finished.  It’s heading for the Carolinas.  Finish your storm prep up there, don’t wait.

Even though it is currently a Category 2 storm, it can still wreck your day.

These storms are a way for the environment to move excess heat from the ocean into the atmosphere.  The explanation I heard was that this mechanism was a partial reason why Dorian stalled out over Grand Bahama.  The heat of the Bahamian ocean got lifted into the upper atmosphere and got dumped into North Carolina and broke down the steering currents.

All this caused an upwelling of the cold water in the deeper parts of the ocean and slowly weakened the storm until it got a nudge from the environment and started it moving North again.

After two days.  Imagine a category 5 storm sitting on your house unleashing the hounds of hell for two solid days.

Relief efforts are beginning.  The Major Cruise Lines pledged support.  Carnival and Royal Caribbean both have pledged direct efforts.  Disney has already announced relief efforts.  I’ll expect to hear more as the days go forth.

If you can’t give to the Bahamas Red Cross or go there directly in a Flotilla like I heard my neighbors were going to do, consider shopping those companies that are supporting the efforts and let them know why you are.

For now, there are four storms in the Atlantic, one more in the Gulf.  The season does not end until December 1 so we can have this happen again in a week or two.