Love Dress

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she replied.

“Needs ironing,” he says” “What’s for dinner?”

There Once Was A Man Named Juan

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan’s pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he decided to give it a shot. At this school, anyone who wants to run for principal has to give a speech to the school’s board outlining why they believe they should be the principal, so Juan gets up before the school board and simply says “I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog” and because everybody loved him he got the position of principal

A few months had passed before the town’s mayor decided to resign, and because everybody in town loved Juan they encouraged him to run for mayor. So he gets up in front of the townspeople and says “I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog.”, the speech was met with a huge cheer and Juan became the mayor.

Juan had been mayor for a few years before his townspeople decided to encourage him to run to be the next President, so he decides “why not” and enters the presidential race. Juan made it all the way to the presidential debates, where he simply said “I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog”, and because every American loved him he was sworn into presidency.

A few months later, Juan was incredibly drunk in the oval office. His wife walked into the office to check on him and in his drunkness, Juan pulled a gun on his wife and shot her. Juan’s kids ran to the oval office to see if everything was okay and Juan being the drunk man he was shot them both dead, and a few minutes later the dog walks into the room and was met by a bullet to the face.

Whilst Juan was drunk, he still knew that he had just committed multiple offences and made a run for it, out of the white house and onto the streets. A few nights passed and Juan decided he needed to catch up on his sleep, so he went into a back alley looking for a dumpster to sleep in and he found one. He opened the lid of the dumpster and was greeted by a homeless man, Juan panics and says “Sorry sir, I mean no harm”, the homeless man recognised Juan and said “hang on, aren’t you Juan, the guy who shot his wife, kids and dog?”. “Yes I am, but I mean no harm, I just need a place to sleep” replied Juan, however, the homeless man didn’t take a word of it and pulled out a golf gun.

What’s a golf gun? I don’t know, but it definitely shot a hole in Juan.

Sunrise on Wilton Manors

I get up whenever I feel like it.  Unfortunately I tend to feel like it as early as 4:30 AM.  A late day is getting up at sunrise.

Part of it is habit.  I would get up on weekends back in the day.  First it was for rowing on the Schuylkill River in Philadelphia.  Later it was for running in the Valley Forge National Park, or to the trails for biking and Inline Skating.

I miss the Skating the most.  South Florida with its drivers that aim for anything out there including other cars is not conducive for putting any decent distance on inline skates.

Decent distance for me is 100 miles per week.  That is 162 km for the Imperially Impaired.

But the habit continues.

Lately it is a two mile, 3 km dog walk every day, rain or predawn shimmer.

That predawn shimmer can be quite beautiful.

I’m out there with my faithful side kick and shadow, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) every morning and we cover practically the entire Wilton Drive.  It’s a coping strategy.  You see, Rack is quite fearful and having little traffic before 7AM, we’re out there to try to do some distance to keep in shape.   It works, but it also serves to allow him to get a taste of what he is afraid of without truly having a major panic attack.

The minor ones will trip you up enough anyway.  To get out and explore your own town at a time of morning when there are few others out there truly is a privilege.  On the one hand, you get a weird zombie movie or post apocalyptic vibe where there are tumbleweeds rolling down the main drag.  It’s dead quiet, and there are only a few  people up.  You can ignore them.

But there are the changes as you walk along.  The skies go from indigo to purple to blue.  You get a Subtle Hint Of Mauve, whatever color your eye translates that to be, on everything, and the buildings begin to glow.  The flowers begin to pop.  Later you hit the golden hour and the world wakes up.

So does the traffic, and that can be a distraction for a fearful medium sized mostly black dog.  He gets more insistent to get

Off The Drive and turn back into the neighborhood to head on home.  It’s a 45 minute or more wander.  Later walks are always longer.   You need to take care getting across that street that you didn’t when you left home.  People wave, the officers in the patrol car flash their lights or chirp their sirens to say hello, dog walkers emerge.

I am living my own version of the intro to the movie Roxanne as all the sudden I am smiling as a baby Beagle and a Pug are wrapped around my legs begging for attention and Rack is snuffling around the owners looking to be pet.

We’ll end up home soon enough.  Herd a few ducks, watch the last clouds turn from golden to white, and ponder whether the rain will come on shore before you get home.

Another dog walk at sunrise ends with the cool of the living room.

Hello!  I’m home!  What’s for Breakfast?

Smuggling Done Right

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to the two sacks the man had on his shoulders.

“What’s in the bags?” asked the guard.

“Sand ,” said the cyclist.

“Get them off;we’ll take a look ,”said the guard.

The cyclist did as he was told,emptied the bags ,and proving they contained nothing but sand , reloaded the bags , put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

A week later, the same thing happened.

Again the guard demanded to see the two bags , which contained nothing but sand.

This went on every week for seven months, until one day the cyclist with the bags failed to appear.

A few days later the guard just so happened to meet the cyclist downtown.

“Say dude, you sure had us crazy,” said the guard.” We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word but you got to tell me what it is you were smuggling ?”

“Bicycles”, said the cyclist!

My Wife Ruth Left Me. Now I Am Ruthless!

 

Did you hear about the clowns that got a divorce?
They had a long custardy battle.

 

A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
Bartender says, “Where in the world did you get that?”
Frog spoke up, “Would you believe it started out as a wart on my butt!!”

 

Whats wrong with the Bar on the Moon?
It doesn’t have any atmosphere, the prices are astronomical, and the setup was pretty cheesy.

 

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he’s in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

 

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me (ouch)

 

My friend asked my daughter, “How old is your father?”
“As old as me.” she replied.
He laughed and asked, “How can that be?!”
She said, “Well, he didn’t become a father until I was born.”

 

A clown held the door open for me today
I thought it was a nice jester

 

Three tomatoes are walking down the street.
Mama tomato, Papa tomato and Baby tomato.
Baby tomato starts lagging behind and Papa tomato gets really angry.
He walks back to Baby tomato, squishes him and says: “Ketchup!”

 

What does a hot super model have in common with this joke?
You don’t get it.

 

The great thing about democracy…
….is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid

 

True Happiness

An Englishman, an Italian, and a Russian are discussing life. The Englishman says, “True happiness is when you have beautiful summer day and you are having a picnic with a beautiful woman who loves you.”

The Italian says, “No, no. True happiness is when you spend a night of passion with a beautiful woman and it is so good that you realize when you are done the sun is already up and you have made love all night.”

The Russian says, “You are both wrong. True happiness is when you are asleep at 3AM. You hear a knock on the door and a man says, ‘Ivan Ivonovitch. Is secret police! Come out at once!’ and you reply ‘Ivan Ivonovitch lives next door.'”

 

Why didn’t the teacher break wind in front of other people?
Because he was a private tooter

There Is Quite A Lot Of Wildlife Watching Me

I admit it.

Actually I admit it frequently.

I’m fascinated by the wildlife that we have here in South Florida.

Walk out into the yard and I’m being watched.

Lizards, literally everywhere.  I had heard there were a lot of them around, but coming from a “temperate” climate like South Jersey, I never really believed that they existed.  You just don’t see a lizard staring back at you from a Pin Oak tree in Cherry Hill, NJ.

Here, I walk to the front door and there are lizards sunning themselves on my driveway watching me back through the glass.

I’ve seen Muscovy Ducks on my front porch more times than I care to count, and I’ve taken to inviting them to leave.  They’re way too messy to be a good house guest.

They are perfectly fine on the water and near it, but the one night that I stepped onto my porch after sunset and found myself interrupting some seventeen of them making funky Duck Love and smelling the pungent aroma of what happens when you startle them, they needed to move on.

Did you know a bird will lighten the load before flying by making a poop?

Some other places have alligators in their swimming pool.  Key West, Florida has Chickens.  I suspect they are fine until they get to be a bit too populous, but people brought them there to begin with.  If you don’t want chickens, help yourself to the eggs they leave under your shrubs.

I wonder if they will trade a few chickens for some ducks?

They came there because their many generation removed grandparents were used in fighting.  That’s not at all allowed these days, but some did escape and settled in.

So I did get to see the chicken cross the road, even if I am still not quite sure why it did.

You end up with wading birds deciding that it is time to perch on your Jeep.  It doesn’t happen too often, they aren’t out there every day.  Luckily they are some of the more shy creatures out there.  If you get anywhere near them they fly off.

I have seen these Snowy Egrets, or what ever they are called, walk across lawns in long herds like something out of a Disney Movie.  They’re also the reason why I don’t tell the landscapers to spray the yard.

We get so many of them here that the grubs I see them going after are kept well under control.  Along with the Black Racer snakes in some rare occasions.

But we do get quite a few visitors.

In the morning, being awakened by the song birds that show up in my bottlebrush tree is a normal happening.

Some of them are louder than others.  And some are more insistent than others.

It’s also why I  have a habit of waking early, or at least an explanation.

Go on outside and have a look around.  The sheer volume of things that I see in my own little yard here in suburbia always has me wondering just what am I missing.

I’ve been told that there are scorpions here, and if I leave my boots outside for some strange reason, I bang them on the pavement to make sure I don’t bring any hitchhikers in.

I’ve found way too many lizards to count.  They do keep the spiders at bay though and that’s a welcome aside.

After all, a Banana Spider in the house at the size of a Volkswagen is a but of a shock.  For a while I was fortunate.  My old windows had another predator that took up residence in one small nook.  Then the house was upgraded to Impact Resistant glass.  Hurricane Glass they call it.  But it also took the nook away and my frog was gone.

I do kind of miss the frogs after all that is said and done.

Really, Frogs, since I saw three there the day before the nook was taken away a couple years back.  Funny how things like that end up in unexpected places.

At the moment though, there are the butterflies.  Sure, I have all of those creatures cohabiting with me, the dog, the parrot, and the humans in this house.  But the plants are all scattered with a dusting of butterflies in various stages of life.  They all will hatch as time allows them, and I am surprised that they spend more time in that chrysalis than I would expect.  After all, hanging on a leaf just means you’ll get spotted and the leaf could get brought inside for an incomplete photography project.

But I am sure that you all have heard that before, haven’t you?

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash…

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost. “It’s all free,” Peter replied. “We are in heaven, after all.”

Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.

Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: “How much are the green fees?”
“It’s free!” came the reply.

Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world’s different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.

“How much do we have to pay for two?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand, yet?!” Peter replied, exasperated. “It’s all free, you’re in heaven!”

“Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won’t have too many calories, will it?” the old man asked, looking quite worried.
“That’s the best part of heaven,” Saint Peter said, excitedly. “You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won’t gain a single gram!”

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife. “This is all your fault!” he screamed! “If it weren’t for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”