Twisted Wit – Humor

Maybe I should have saved this for April 1… you know, Amateur Day?

At any rate, I got this one in the email box from a good friend Scott up in Philly.  It’s just sick and twisted enough to share.

Twisted Wit

  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Don’t walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. 
  • There are two theories to arguing. Neither one works…
  • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  • Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
  • Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  • Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car repayments.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • Don’t squat with your spurs on.
  • If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  • If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
  • Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  • Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

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