The Retirement Home and Meeting Mom – Humor

 The Retirement Home
After long consideration, a brother and sister decided to put their father in a retirement home.

After he was admitted and settled in they went to visit him.

They stood in the day room and watched him for a while while he sat on the couch watching television.

He started to lean to his left and as soon as he did, someone was there to straighten him up then, he started to lean to his right and, just as before, someone was there right away to straighten him up.

Feeling confident in their decision to have him put in the home they sat with their dad to ask him how he liked his new residence.

He sad “the place is fine, the food is good, they have my television shows but, they won’t let me fart”!

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. 

He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

Stunned, the young man says, “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

“I don’t like her,” she says.

It’s Not Wine! – Humor

It’s not wine!

It was the second grade teacher’s birthday. So every child in the class was giving her a special gift.

Anna’s mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave the teacher some beautiful flowers.

Robert’s parents owned a candy shop. Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted candies.

Then it was little Johnny’s turn. Johnny’s dad owned a liquor store! So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher. When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher, she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet. So she put her finger on it and tasted.

“Is it wine?” the teacher asked.

“No, it’s not wine!” Johnny replied.

She tasted it again. “Hmmmmmm. Is it some sort of liquor?”

“Nope, it’s not liquor!” said Johnny.

She tasted it again and was puzzled. “Well, Johnny, I give up. What is it?”

Johnny was excited. “It’s a puppy!” he said.

Smartphone, Stupid Driver

Yet another dog walk.  Getting out, seeing the city in the cool morning air, you get to see things that others don’t necessarily see.

My dog is old, moves very slowly.  About 1 mile in an hour at this point.  So I have a lot of time to think, a lot of time to observe.

This particular morning, cool, crisp, and clear, I was walking along Wilton Drive.  Wilton Drive should be called Wilton Highway because it is four lanes with a turn lane in the middle, bracketed by a parking lane.   Illogical configuration for a “Downtown Shopping Street”, it lends itself more for people who are trying to get through here instead of to here. 

The morning rush hour coincided with my morning dog walk this day.  I was up a little late, so I got to see the Drive become the Raceway.

There was a gap in traffic, and here came this car, an older Toyota Camry.  Typically when I see one of those here, I expect a bad driver and this time I was unfortunately correct.

Coming around the curve past City Hall and the Shoppes, she was driving a bit too fast for conditions.  I didn’t have a stop watch but I think I’d win a bet that she was speeding.  The speed wasn’t really a problem, for that particular moment there was nobody either direction on the half of the Drive that I could see.

Lettie was sniffing a pole, and I was absentmindedly watching this green car come flying up the Drive.  The driver was doing a bad job of keeping the car piloted within the stripes of the lane, and I was wondering if I wasn’t going to have to call the police because of a future accident.  Had it been late in the evening I would have thought DUI. 

The “I” that was the influence in this case was obvious when she weaved out of her lane and looked up to her steering wheel to correct her direction.   She was a distracted driver.  She had her smartphone out and was most likely texting someone.


Leave the phone in your pocket.  Your right to stay informed and inform others does not mean that you have the right to put the rest of the public at risk.

She sped past me while she went back to her important business of texting when she rolled through the stale-yellow of the stop light at NE 9th Avenue and onward toward Five Points.

I’m glad I was on the sidewalk.

Modern Life Is Logistics

Did you ever step back and think how is everything going to fit in?

I’m having one of those days.

But they’re normal, if you think about it.

We have all these labor saving devices to save us time so we can find more things to do with that time we saved.   Time isn’t strictly speaking “Saved”.  You don’t have a Time Piggy Bank somewhere that you can withdraw from when you are feeling harried.   The end result is that you find strategies to get more effective and more efficient with what you’re doing.

Basic Project Management.

Going to the shops?  Make sure you have a list of the most important things.  Don’t forget a pen if it’s on paper. 

I always forget that.   Well, that and my glasses.

Getting up an extra half hour early is a great way to fit things in if you hadn’t gotten to sleep late the night before.  That ends up in a candle burnt at both ends.

On the other hand, you can do a lot in a half hour.

The last time I felt I needed to get things done, I multitasked a list of things.

Made a crock pot of Carnitas Pork.
Made bread dough for rolls for later baking.
Roasted a batch of Decaf Coffee.
Brewed a mug of Third Caff Coffee.
Brewed a pitcher of Iced Tea.
Breakfast was in order.
Made the dog happy by tossing her an ice cube.

You never know how much you can fit in a block of time, but always remember those around you who deserve that little extra attention.  

It may just be an ice cube to you, but to the dog it’s a wonderful treat.

Since there is always some time to fit more in later, I’ve also got three laptops I’m prepping for a friend from Key West who is visiting.  Yes, all at once.

Line them up, knock them down!  Win a kewpie doll!

So got more to do?  Sure, but there’s time for it since Modern Life is Logistics.

Too Cold To Roast

Ran out of coffee this morning.  Yeah, I know it’s a tragedy.  But I can always roast more, except there’s a problem. 

Sure, the weather.  It’s Iguana Killing Cold out there today.

You know, when the temps get below 50 for the evening and stay there into the morning?

Yes, it does effect my coffee, and don’t get in the way of a man and his morning mug!

Conversation went on like that, or at least half of it did outside this morning.   Mind you, it’s a brilliant day.  The skies don’t have a cloud in them, and that’s what cooled us off.  Radiative Cooling the talking heads on the weather call it.  Front rolls in, makes it dry, and the clouds block some of the heat going back into outer space.  So you lose a few degrees the next day.

As for the Iguanas, they’re an invasive species.  I’d shiver all week if it would get rid of them once and for all. 

The deal with my coffee is that I ran low on roasted beans today.  I’ll wait until late in the afternoon or dinner hour to roast since I don’t want to turn on a popcorn popper full of beans to “perfume” the house with three batches worth of coffee smoke.  There’s this window in my kitchen behind the sink that is a serving area for the Lanai, push the coffee roaster outside and it shares my coffee with the neighbors.  When the temps are in the mid 40s like today, coffee just won’t roast right.

So bundle up South Florida, it’s going to be cool all week.   Bad luck Snowbirds, if you picked this week to be here, it’s a good one to go to the malls.

Do We Really Need Adobe Reader? No, and Here is How to Fix That!

Lately, I’ve been noticing that I’ve been opening PDF Files less and less with that annoying Adobe Reader, and more and more with Firefox.

I didn’t put two and two together, didn’t really care as long as I can read my PDFs.

For years, instead of sending a document like a Recipe, Resume, or any other thing that starts with “R” to paper, I would print directly to a PDF File.   Much cleaner, I don’t want a massive filing cabinet, and as any reader of this blog knows, I love to cook.  Loving to cook means I have a LOT of recipes.

But they’re all printed to PDF so they sit on a postage stamp sized chip that I can put in any of my laptops.  I use CutePDF, and have been using their free CutePDF Writer for years.  It’s something that will eventually get built into Windows, may even be in other operating systems, but the Print to PDF is something that I personally think is a requirement.

In fact when I am setting up a computer for someone, I install it and explain why they need it.  The lightbulb goes on and I get another Convert.

So since I have all these files sitting around I need to read them.  For me, it’s Firefox.  File, Open, and point it at a PDF and you can see your document.  Chrome will view them too.   The ability has been in Linux and Mac OSX for years, natively.

If all you are doing is viewing a document, you’re done.   If you need to write notes on them, you will need something more robust like Acrobat, or even that blasted Reader that Adobe makes you update practically every day. 

But for most of us, you can remove the Adobe Reader now.  

In Windows 7, you can do it via the Control Panel, just like removing any other program:

  • Start
  • Control Panel
  • Programs and Features
  • Find Double click on Adobe Reader in the list.
  • Answer yes to the “Are You Sure” message.
  • Answer yes to the “User Account Control” message that asks if you want to make a change to your system.
  • Say goodbye to one more program that was a way for your system to get a virus.

To configure your system to open a PDF in Firefox or any other program you choose:

  • Start
  • Windows Explorer
  • Locate a PDF and Right Click on the icon and click on Properties.
  • On the General Tab, Select the Change Button
  • Select your favorite program to open a PDF, in my case, I’m selecting Firefox and I did have to browse to find it.
  • Make sure the “Always Use” checkbox is ticked.
  • Click OK.
  • Click OK to close the Properties window.

 Of course if you really feel you need the reader, you can always go back to Adobe and reinstall it.

The Windshield You Save May Be Your Own – Humor

Up North, people will drive in circles.  They burn overpriced Speculator inflated prices for gasoline in giant SUVs in massive parking lots looking for the closest parking space to the door.

Lazy, but it’s human nature.

Down here in South Florida, you’ll notice that the first spots to fill up are under a tree.

Those spots all have the local license plates, or plates from someone who lives in the Sun Belt. 

Why?  Well, I’ve gotten into my Jeep that was facing into the sun once and found that the foam rubber on the steering wheel that Chrysler put there 10 years ago had become somehow molten and now I was holding onto a rubber snake that would twist in my hand.

Yes, this is the land of Rubber Cobras and people baking cookies on the dashboard of their cars.

Why not?  After all, a cookie sheet will protect the dashboard just as effectively as that piece of carpet.  Besides who doesn’t like a tasty snack?

That’s all well and good but the malls and shopping centers have only so much room to put Islands for Trees, and unfortunately they don’t do a good job of covering the pavement area when there is a tree there.

On the other hand there public planners have to be very careful of what they plant next to a car park.

That was illustrated everywhere in this little patch of Paradise this weekend.  We had a windy day.

Mind you this wasn’t really anything to get excited about.  It was only 35 mph gusts.  20 or so base winds.  I can bike that fast on flat ground, 20mph isn’t really that fast.

Except… I’ve got to be Good Guy Bill again and warn a neighbor. 

You see, they’re renters.  They moved in with Northern Plates on the cars and they got changed out to White and Green Florida plates.  They are planning on setting down roots.

So letting them in on the details of living here in the land of roaming Ball Pythons and falling Iguanas is our duty.

These renters have a rather nice little mini SUV.  The badge of a Suburban type.  Quiet folks, I can’t say I’ve actually seen them more than once in the last few months.

That rather nice little mini SUV is parked quietly on their property.  Right under the tree.  It stays cool there.  Cool is good.

Except…  The tree is the neighborhood Mango.  It’s a magnificent tree, about 40 feet tall and about as broad.  It’s a mature tree that I wish was on my own yard.  You see, that tree is in full fruit, and will have two crops this year.

Take one Mango tree in season and you will get about 100 pounds of fruit, plus or minus a couple pounds.

So the wind kicks up and the fruit becomes the picture perfect definition of a Windfall.  Mangoes fall from the tree in all stages of ripeness.  It just depends on how the wind hits them.  Immature fruit are about as soft as your average piece of granite.   Falling from 40 feet, it will take about a second to hit the ground.  

Now, if you have a good fruit baring year, those wonderful mangoes on that magnificent tree become quite large.  

I managed to collect a few of those fruits that hit the ground, the owner of the property knows I really enjoy mangoes.   So I walked out to the kitchen and grabbed the largest fruit.   It weighed 17 ounces.

Yes, 17 ounces of a green granite grenade flying at your head from 40 feet.  That works out to be about 21mph.

Now, while 21mph isn’t exactly fast, the force of a one pound, one ounce block of granite colliding with your windshield would be like if I had taken a brick and hurled it at the same spot.

Hilarity would ensue.

So folks when you decide to come down for a visit with your nice shiny SUV and park here under a nice big broad tree that is seemingly the only open place for you to park, take my advice.

Look up and check for falling fruit.  The windshield you save may be your own.

New Windows and Hotel Humor

Bad Joke Sunday?  Sure… this one is mostly about windows.  No, not the computer kind, but in a building!  Read on, you’ll see…

New Windows

I bought all new double insulated, top of the line windows for my house last year.

Home Depot called me yesterday and said I owed them for the windows. I told them what my salesman told me “These windows will pay for themselves within a year”.

Helloooooo it’s been over a year, they should be paid for. The guy was silent on the other end so after a few minutes I hung up. I bet they feel really stupid!


A guy calls the hotel desk clerk and says ‘My wife and I just had a huge fight and now she says she is going to jump out the window’.

The clerk responds ‘sir, I believe this is a personal problem’.

The guy says ‘like hell it is, this is a maintenance problem, I can’t get the window open’.

Cat Joke

I’ll admit it, I don’t understand cats.  It’s because if I get near one indoors, within 20 minutes I begin losing my voice because of my allergies.  Since it’s a pet, so therefore I give it the respect it deserves and keep my own distance.  I wish it were different because they give so much joy to others.  In my case it’s one of those “From A Distance” things.

Except Bandit next door.  Bandit’s cool.  He thinks he’s a dog.

Anyway, since it’s Bad Joke Saturday… Here Ya Go!

Cat joke

A man hated his wife’s cat and wanted get rid of it. He drove 40 blocks away from home and dropped the cat. The cat was already walking up their driveway as he got back to their house.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 6 miles away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing how far away he took the cat but the cat kept coming back. Finally, he decided to drive the cat 30 miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her, “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife.

“Put that cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!”

Need Excel or Word? Try Libre Office Free

Sure, it’s written like a spam or a sales document but the truth is that most people won’t need anything else and yes, it it is completely free.  Libre Office, is a complete office suite, and it really is free.

Ok, why am I talking like a salesman?  Simple, someone asked me if they could “borrow” my copy of Microsoft Word.  6:45 AM in the middle of my dog walk.  I told them to check my blog today for links for downloads for Libre Office instead.

First, you don’t really borrow software, you do that and it is considered piracy.
Second, you don’t really need to spend the money for a word processor or spreadsheet program when there is an excellent free piece of software out there.

Yes.  Free.

As in Free and Open Source Software.  “FOSS“.

Keeping this simple, basically “FOSS” works.  People do write software to do things and sometimes it is put out there for everyone to use.  You know, good guy stuff?

In the case of Libre Office, you can replace Microsoft Office with it.

Word is replaced by Libre Office Writer
Excel is replaced by Libre Office Calc.
Access is replaced by Libre Office Base.
Powerpoint is replaced by Libre Office Impress.
and Visio is replaced by Libre Office Draw.
They also have something called Libre Office Math, which I believe is a replacement for Mathematica but I don’t have any experience with it. It lets you solve equations like the ones you had in Algebra and Calculus by typing in the formula.  Don’t tell your high school kid but it should solve their homework for them.

Now, if you are a professional, you’ll realize that in certain cases you simply can’t use anything else.  Your IT Department decided this is what you’re going to use.  Go for it.

But if you are like the majority of computer users, on Linux, Mac or Windows, all you really need these days are a good browser and an occasional Word Processor and Spreadsheet.   The rest is overkill but hey, it’s all free.  They do make their money by donations, so if you’re fully employed you might want to drop some money in their tip jar

Think about it, Five Bucks for a Microsoft Office Work-alike Replacement.  Pretty cool, huh?

I use it on my machines here, Windows, Mac, and Linux.  In fact it came free with Linux Ubuntu, I didn’t have to think to install it … there it was.  It’s on my CentOS Linux Server that I’m building right now.  My Linux People will know – Synaptic has all this stuff for the asking on Ubuntu and Debian. I loves me some Synaptic!

The thing is that even the output files that you create using Libre Office are the same format as those out of the more popular programs like Microsoft Office.  The only rub is that you have to make sure you tell it to use the docx or xlsx formats when you save, or configure Libre Office to do that once and for all.  I forget once in a while and then get a little confused as to why my resume is not in docx.

The download page is here.  Like I said, you don’t have to pay for it.  It’s free.