Cheap Bastard – Humor

Cheap Bastard!

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely.

So, Adam went to God and said,

“This Garden is amazing, but I’m starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?”

God answered, “I have the perfect person.

She will help you with almost everything.

She’ll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day.

She really is perfect in every way!”

Adam said, “That sounds great! How soon can you send her?”

God replied again,

“I can send her right away, but there is one thing … it’s going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her.”

Adam thought for a moment, and then said,

“What can I get for a rib?”

Here in Kentucky – Humor

Here in Kentucky

you don’t see too many people hang-gliding.

Ol’ Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight.

He takes off running and reaches the edge–into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

“Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.

Paw raises up,” Git my gun, Maw.”

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

“I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.

“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol’ Zeek!”

Got Firefox? Time for an Upgrade to Firefox 22

You know it’s an easy upgrade when you catch it doing it when you go to see where you’re at.



I’ve been hearing that Firefox has just released version 22.

I looked at my version number to check where I’m at and it was in the process of upgrading.

Here’s how to check:

Start Firefox.
Click Help.
Click About Firefox.
If the version is 22.0, it’s already been done.
If the version is 21.0 click the appropriate button to update.

Mine just needed a “Restart to Update”.

I’m done.   Actually, I used it all this morning and it feels about as fast as before.  It does feel a bit more stable.  I *think* it is using a little less memory and a little less processor.  The laptop feels a little cooler than it had but that could be me just “thinking too much”.

Have fun.  Pretty painless.

Leaping Puppies, It’s Time For Training!

Rack is no longer the shut down dog we met two months ago.

Oh sure, he still is timid around people.  He still will leave the living room for the comfort of the crate when the trash trucks come down the street.  Big Rig Semi Trucks are a big “Nope” whether he is in the house or out on a walk.

But fortunately he will just sit down or pull toward a wall now instead of knock me off balance when a bus or truck comes by.  It’s an inconvenience more than anything else, and I can tell when it’s time to go home because I’m being led by the dog and not the other way around.

If there’s a dog on the block he’s excited.   That is the key, and why I know it’s time for training.   It’s not a normal adult dog’s wagging tail and happy look that he’s giving when he spots the other dog, it’s a full on leaping in the air crazy puppy time.

That key is firmly in the lock and turned.  Time for us to open the next door.

When he gets to the other dog, he’s the one who does the sniffing, so I know he’s not completely submissive.  The submissive dog gets sniffed first.  He’s got some boldness in there, we just have to channel it appropriately.

As we’re approaching, that leaping has to be blunted.  What I’m doing now is to hold him back and slow him down when he meets the other dog.  The meetings have been so wild, so frenetic, that it’s a giant barky puppy pile.  It isn’t good for him, and it may not be good for the other dog.

They do go through their happy times and calm down eventually, but that’s hardly good manners.

Remember, “Calm, Cool, and Assertive” is the goal.  Frenetic Jumpy Barky dog doesn’t work, especially when you have 40 plus pounds of McNab bouncing shoulder high at the end of a six foot purple leash.

At this point the Dog Park is out.  He’s too bouncy.  Meeting other dogs is great, but I’m restraining him so that he’s got the brakes on as much as possible.   It’s a great way to drain energy, but that’s the purpose of the walk.  After all that adrenalin hits the system, you end up with bouncy puppy after the play time ends and the walk becomes a bit more of an effort.   Add to it the fact that he gets a minimum of 3 walks, 3 miles a day and sometimes as much as 5 miles, and you can see the issue.

He is definitely learning.  Day by day, or even Walk by Walk, he gets better.  You have to expect that with a Mc Nab.  They’re a
more intelligent breed than most, if not more intelligent than all others, but even with the smartest of dogs, it does take time.

If your puppy is leaping in the air, it’s time to work on that calmness.  It certainly is time for us to work on it.  But my own personal motto here applies:

It’s a Marathon, not a Sprint.

Take your time.  If you are frustrated, imagine what is going on inside your dog’s furry little skull.  Get yourself calmed down and simply stop walking and recover if you have to.  The dog will take that as a sign to calm down himself, and meet you half way.

But, it really is a Marathon and not a Sprint.

Why Yes! The Blog Does Have a New Template! Thanks for Noticing!

This blog runs on Blogger.  I toyed with putting it on WordPress but that would just have me monkeying around with more web tools.  I’m fine with that but it felt like it was redundant.  I’ve already got a couple web servers in the house, and I’m quite comfortable writing web pages.

It used to be a badge of honor to have a little icon saying that a page was “Written on a Mac” or running on ASP or something else.  Typically when I write a web page, I sit down with a blank screen and write code from memory.

Written on Notepad.

Using Blogger, which is one of Google’s tools, has an interesting quirk.  Features magically appear.  Today it looks one way, then someone throws a switch somewhere and all the sudden I get access to new “stuff”.

It’s the same way for any of the websites that I work for that use Google Sites.   Today it can do one thing, tomorrow it’s different.

I got curious poking around Blogger yesterday.  I was looking at my readership numbers and noticed that there were new templates.  I clicked on one forgetting the biggest fault I found with Google tools – they generally do things “NOW” and can’t easily be switched back.

So I had gone through a couple different looks and settled on this one.  It isn’t carved in stone, I may get fancy and play around with fonts and colors.  I’m not a fan of “Arial” or “Helvetica”, and it seems that everything from Blogger to Microsoft Word wants you to use those.

Too common, too much of a “Me Too” look.  Lazy, perhaps, as well.

I applied the template and there are a few things that I lost like the spinning globe.   I may put that back, haven’t decided yet.  I can always play around under the hood with the CSS and see what I get.

So for now, my daily readers get a new look here on the web.  Both the Mobile and the Browser based sites have been changed.  RSS I guess looks the same as always, text and little formatting on a mostly blank page.


Sticker Shock for a Key Wester

David’s gone now.  He came up from Key West for a long weekend and I dropped him off at the airport so he could catch a shuttle to go home for a while.

On the way down we were talking about the festival over the weekend.   He knows the people who ran the Key West visitor’s booth there.  He was talking about how the guy was complaining about the location of the booth and making generic comments about things.

Being someone who lived in Key West since the 80s, David may not be a Conch, but more of a Naturalized Citizen.  You don’t live in a place without it affecting you, and you affecting it. 

I’ve been in South Florida now for 7 years, I can understand.  At this point I’d say that I’m quite settled in.  Doing work in shorts and a T Shirt feels normal now even if I do look killer in my grey suit!

David did have an interesting comment about things here.   Every time he’d be out in a shop he would be in shock over the prices.  Now, South Florida isn’t exactly a cheap place to live, but in comparison it certainly is.  In fact that’s one thing that they don’t tell you at that tourist booth.  Key West is an expensive vacation and an expensive place to live.

Cost of living reflects that it is a rock in a wet place.  Stuck 120 miles out in the ocean, Key West has to have everything trucked in from the mainland.  That expense is reflected in everything from food to lodging.  Even water is pricey, having been sent down a tube from Miami.

Saying “They don’t tell you that to get a drink you need a Mortgage”, I got a chuckle while sitting at the light at Sunrise and NE 4th.  Ten Dollar beers are not unheard of, if not commonplace in Key West. 

I guess they have to send it down on the back of a Marlin.

Since you could describe Key West, like the bumper stickers say, a cute drinking town with a fishing problem, those Ten Dollar Longnecks are a pricey annoyance.

One of the first things I do is figure out what his schedule is when he arrives, then I drag him out to the shops.   This time I was lucky, he realized that I was right.  He would pick himself up and walk out to the Publix or any of the local shops and “have a poke around town”.

When he’d get back, I’d hear more about those Ten Dollar Longnecks.

Maybe he’s not the one that gets the sticker shock, so much as I am.  After a 200 mile drive, Key West could be a very expensive place to relax whether beer is involved or not… and that just isn’t the kind of thing that they will tell you at a Travel Booth at a street festival.

The Elephant in the Room Has Left The Drive

After a weekend of listening to my windows rattle from two separate giant towers of speakers three blocks away, it is now what passes for quiet here in Wilton Manors.

The birds have not quite returned yet.  There are different birds out there chattering, but after being subjected to over-enthusiastic DJs who cranked the music past Eleven to somewhere in the stratosphere, the usual ones have left.

So loud in fact that when I went out to see what was going, the music out in front of my own house was louder than I listen to music INSIDE the house. So loud that when you walked out to see the party, people would walk past visibly faster and not linger because the bass note hit your chest like a concussion shock wave.  The third music stage was much better managed down at the stop light, people were actually hanging around and enjoying themselves there. 

The city did an excellent job of managing the few parking resources they had.  The neighbors who didn’t want people using their lawns as a parking lot had cans out to block.   Signs were posted where you could and could not park.  Those who did had $10 fees for the privilege.  There were lost cars and taxis speeding through the area all weekend.

June in South Florida is a punishing time of year to hold anything outdoors, that 90 degree sun on black asphalt means that the apparent temperature is enough to cook an egg.  The crowds at the peak of things would show you that it simply was the wrong time of year to be out for long periods.

Parties can be fun, when they’re not too much of a good thing.  The parade was a blast.  The DJs were not.  Wasn’t the choice of music, they played what I listen to normally, it was just the volume.  In fact, everyone I had spoken to about the festivities had about the same comments. 

You can’t please everyone, but sometimes it’s obvious what to do.  In this case, I’ll please myself by forgoing the need to mention which specific party it was.  If you were here, you knew.  If you weren’t, then I won’t spoil it for you, I’ll let you be surprised for yourself.

The Old Golfer Tries to go to Heaven – Humor

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. “Sorry, old man” Peter said “But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 – you took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game”.

“Oh, yes. I’ll never forget that one and I’m terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain…” the old golfer blethered. “Well” said Peter “You’ll have to take it up with The Big Guy”.

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God’s office. “We’ve got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain…” “So” booms God “You’ve been taking my name in vain…?”. “Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!” “Okay. Try me” replied the Lord.

“Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I’d win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree…” “And that’s when you took my name in vain?”

“Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole “So, that is when you took my name in vain?”

“No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole…”

“Missed the damn putt, didn’t you?” sighed God.

A Day At The Nursing Home – Humor

A day at the nursing home

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely since she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

The pharmacist fainted.

First Day Of Summer

Sure, I’ll jump on that bandwagon since it’s everywhere I see.   Google Insights for Search, Facebook, BBC, and other places I stop by on my usual nonsense every day.

It means that the sun has started moving South on its yearly Figure 8 track in the Tropics.   It happened while the US was asleep, so it’s already Summer.

Love the heat?  Great, just wait a couple weeks.   There’s a roughly 30 day lag between the sun of today and the heat in the environment.

Here in Florida, it’s made it into the 90s already, and will be until October and off and on in November.

I have a good friend out in California that described this trick.   When he used to live in Townsville Australia, he was North of the Tropic of Capricorn – true tropics.  We’re about 200 miles North of the Tropic of Cancer which is 20 miles North of Cuba for comparison.   Your mileage may vary.

Tim would go out to his yard in front of his “Queenslander” on this day at noon and look down at the ground.  What he’d see is the smallest shadow of the year where the shade would be “in a little puddle at his feet”.

Here, the sun will be about 86 degrees “due up”.  For all intents and purposes, directly overhead.

So go out and do those things you usually do when you change seasons.  Today’s the day.

Dance around a tree.
Change your smoke detector battery.
Switch toothbrushes.

No, really, you should check that… your toothbrush especially.   Use the old one to clean the tub grout.

If you drive by my house at noon today, I’ll be somewhere probably looking at my feet and the shadow that isn’t there. 

Just think in about 5 or 6 months you folks up North will be complaining about cold weather again!