The Old Golfer Tries to go to Heaven – Humor

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. “Sorry, old man” Peter said “But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 – you took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game”.

“Oh, yes. I’ll never forget that one and I’m terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain…” the old golfer blethered. “Well” said Peter “You’ll have to take it up with The Big Guy”.

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God’s office. “We’ve got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain…” “So” booms God “You’ve been taking my name in vain…?”. “Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!” “Okay. Try me” replied the Lord.

“Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I’d win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree…” “And that’s when you took my name in vain?”

“Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole “So, that is when you took my name in vain?”

“No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole…”

“Missed the damn putt, didn’t you?” sighed God.

A Day At The Nursing Home – Humor

A day at the nursing home

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely since she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

The pharmacist fainted.

First Day Of Summer

Sure, I’ll jump on that bandwagon since it’s everywhere I see.   Google Insights for Search, Facebook, BBC, and other places I stop by on my usual nonsense every day.

It means that the sun has started moving South on its yearly Figure 8 track in the Tropics.   It happened while the US was asleep, so it’s already Summer.

Love the heat?  Great, just wait a couple weeks.   There’s a roughly 30 day lag between the sun of today and the heat in the environment.

Here in Florida, it’s made it into the 90s already, and will be until October and off and on in November.

I have a good friend out in California that described this trick.   When he used to live in Townsville Australia, he was North of the Tropic of Capricorn – true tropics.  We’re about 200 miles North of the Tropic of Cancer which is 20 miles North of Cuba for comparison.   Your mileage may vary.

Tim would go out to his yard in front of his “Queenslander” on this day at noon and look down at the ground.  What he’d see is the smallest shadow of the year where the shade would be “in a little puddle at his feet”.

Here, the sun will be about 86 degrees “due up”.  For all intents and purposes, directly overhead.

So go out and do those things you usually do when you change seasons.  Today’s the day.

Dance around a tree.
Change your smoke detector battery.
Switch toothbrushes.

No, really, you should check that… your toothbrush especially.   Use the old one to clean the tub grout.

If you drive by my house at noon today, I’ll be somewhere probably looking at my feet and the shadow that isn’t there. 

Just think in about 5 or 6 months you folks up North will be complaining about cold weather again!

Does This Make My Dog A Zombie?

In the hallway, the work has begun.

Chuck Norris has lost most of his brains to the giant canine beast.

Stuffing is scattered all over the house like little clouds on the ground.  Simpsonian in their nature, the polyester fluff is scattered broadly on the Florida Tiles.

Flashing his bright eyes at you, he glares when interrupted. 

Brains.   Pulled from their skull every chance he gets.  First it was the teddy bear.  Purple trending to Pink due to it’s being washed weekly.  The stitching in the back has been replaced more than once, eyes ripped out of their sockets to expose the sweet, sweet brains behind them.   Stuffing gets pulled out in an eyeblink.

Then onto Chuck Norris.  The eye holes are large enough to stuff your thumb into.  Forget that one, the result of a few minutes of entertainment show up scattered all over the house.

The Frog has special dispensation.  Being his favorite “child” the Frog gets carried into the Bedroom at

night, left in shoes, and dropped into the crate.  Gently played with as a prized possession, this green animal goes everywhere.

At least he’s not tearing into the furniture.   Rack has been extremely well behaved when it comes to “our” stuff.   Kitchen counters and couches are offlimits, and the beds are becoming so with the help of the bells.

But the first toy to “die” is Chuck.  Always.  I just wave a magic wand over him and bring him back to life for more de-braining later.

Morning Moxie by the Pool – Picture

I can honestly say that Abe Simpson from The Simpsons got me drinking this Moxie Stuff.

I’ve always been eager to try new foods, within reason. 

Sushi is not for me, it just reminds me of Bait.

But if it’s cooked, not too spicy, not too fried, sure, it’s a meal not a life commitment.

I was watching an old Simpsons rerun where Abe Simpson was saying that someone really had Moxie and chuckled.   It was the kind of thing that people who were older than me said.  Usually quite a bit older.   The saying really isn’t used much any more.

Dad would use Moxie once in a while, and it got me thinking what did it really mean.

It turns out that it was an Advertising slogan. 

Moxie was the Cola Drink that Coca Cola and Pepsi had to unseat before they could battle for number one and number two in the market.  Moxie faded away in the pre-WWII years and was a shadow of itself in the 50s.

I never had any of the stuff until I got here in Florida.   If you want it at this point you have to be in Florida, Pennsylvania, or New England… roughly.

Coca Cola and Pepsi just taste sweet to me, no real flavor, just sweet.  Why bother, especially at 150 calories a can or more.  Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi were the same, but with the wonders of the chemical black arts. 

Choose your poison, High Fructose Corn Syrup or Aspartame.

No thanks.

While walking through the boutique-y Fresh Market in Fort Lauderdale, I spotted the “Weird Soda shelves” as I called it.  Remembering Grandpa Simpson I chuckled as I grabbed the bottle of Moxie and placed it in the cart.

After it got home, I found a new friend.   Flavor.   No longer was I drinking the Bachelor Chow of Sodas.

Moxie tastes similar to the Bottle Cap cola candies we all had when we were wee brats.  There’s a slight bite to it from something called Gentian root.  It’s supposed to be a stimulant, this Gentian root, and it is supposed to have a bitter tang.   It doesn’t really taste bitter to me, but I’m a heavy coffee drinker so I doubt it would.

It’s not something I have every day, any kind of sugared soda, but I did realize that the other morning I walked the bottle outside and that isn’t something I generally do with the coffee.

Chasing the dog around the back yard with a bottle of Moxie sweating in the early morning Florida sun by the pool.   Not a bad way to start the day.

What is your Uptime – Time Since Last Restart of Windows

Ok, I will restart today.

I’m notorious for never restarting the laptop until I am forced. 

I have way too many windows and tabs open, too much work that is In Progress.

Blog articles.
Graphics Projects.
Web Pages.
Video Projects.

You get the picture.

So the other day when I got nagged by Windows to do a windows update and a restart, I got curious about how long it has been since the last time I actually closed everything and started the laptop.

This is called “Uptime” in the Business.  It means how long did the computer think it had been up.  

Since I simply hibernate the computer because it’s much easier for me to get back to what I was doing, this isn’t completely accurate.  This laptop is up about 14 hours a day every day.  Uptime is reported here as being 9 Days, 13 hours, 54 minutes and counting.

The process is real simple.   With Windows XP, Vista, 7, and 8:

  • Hold the Ctrl, Shift, and Esc buttons at the same time.
  • The window that comes up is your Task Manager.
  • Click the Performance tab.
  • Read Up Time on the window.  It is highlighted it on the picture in red.

9 days, 14 hours now…. I think I need a vacation.  That would be back in May. 

The Frog is in the Shoe, The Dog Roamed Last Night – Picture

When we got Rack, we decided he’d have a crate to sleep in.  Off the Couch, Off the Bed, Off the Furniture.

Unless invited.

Rack is a rescue dog.  We got him April 21, 2013 from the Dog Liberator.  While his story before he got to Giselle was frightening, she had him long enough that we all knew he’d start to open up and grow into a fascinating character.   He was only there for 11 days, so there was only so much that Giselle could have known about his personality.  

Since he was shut down, it was easier to set some hard and fast boundaries.   The first night or three he slept in the crate in the living room with the crate door closed.

That stopped when he started getting lonely and whined overnight.  My having a rough sleep even through the earplugs meant I had to figure something out.

The crate went into the master bedroom, sitting on top of a blanket to muffle some of the sounds from tossing and turning.

His, not mine.

The crate door would be kept closed and he’d be able to see me sleep on the bed.

When he started to come out of the crate willingly, I decided that I’d try to have him sleep with the door closed on the bedroom and the crate door would be left open.  The room would be blocked off so he had about 1/3 of the room to roam in.

Rack liked that, and that was how we slept for the next two months.

He’s still exploring the house during the day, but he tends to retreat to the crate when something scary happens like the trash trucks stopping by twice a week.  Noises are a trigger for him to go hide, which is common for many puppies and dogs who have been through the trauma of being turned in to a shelter at an early age.

Last night that changed.   I forgot to close the bedroom door.

Blissfully ignorant, I slept the night.   So did Rack.  Sure, he had wandered through the house but didn’t find anything of ours that he needed to chew on.  With cables to the electronics somewhat badly hidden under furniture, and boxes for recycling in the kitchen, he had plenty of opportunity for mischief.

But nothing happened.   I woke up to an open door and realized he had the chance to be out and about, but the only thing I found torn up was his toy that he has been disemboweling when he needed to play.

Other than being greeted by bits of polyester fluff, nothing happened.

He does take the opportunity to “find things” from time to time, and we do have to keep an ear open to make sure that he doesn’t go up onto the bed, but for the most part, he’s very close to being ready.  There are plenty of things around the house that probably should be picked up, thrown away, or put to better use, but for the most part, he ignores them.

Another behavior to watch for in this case is “Where The Dog Sleeps”.

In Rack’s case, it is basically anywhere and everywhere.   Dogs will not relieve themselves where they sleep.  If they sleep everywhere, you will have less of a chance of an errant marking of territory.  Territory markings and little piles are the other main problem you can have with an inexperienced dog on their first night out on the house.  I have found Rack sleeping next to the back door where he nodded off while watching the back yard.   He’s curled up against the front door in the living room, under the dining room table, in the kitchen…

You get the picture.

A dog that has one place and one only to nap in will be more likely to wander to the most distant part of the house and “Use The Tree”, even if housebroken.

In our case, we got off lucky.  I’m not planning on leaving that bedroom door open tonight.   I’m not
completely confident that I won’t wake up to something of mine shredded, even though he has plenty of toys.  On the other hand his pet frog toy ended up placed very nicely inside of my shoe this morning as an offering.

We’re not there yet, but I think I can see the exit ramp down the road a piece.  Now, if I could just get him to stop waking me up at 5:15AM every morning…