The Florida Code – Humor

The Florida Code

When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, “take I-75, “take I-4 “or “take I-95.”

If you’re a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M. and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west.

Tolls are a fact of life, the state has to make money, so deal with it!

I-275 ( Tampa area) will always be under construction … that’s the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!

‘A1A’ and ‘Alt. A1A’ are the same road.

Traffic lights are not timed and never will be.

We measure the distance we travel in time – not miles.

If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you’re lost!

If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to back up!

Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i.e. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the heck of it — and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.

Know the difference between SunPass, Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel and Sun Trust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.

Your car’s signal blinker means nothing.

English is our first and second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator.

We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don’t be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning and you are told to be prepared, you’re not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.

You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake, Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.

A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don’t have to deal with any of the headaches.

You weren’t born here. If you were, you’re angry that everyone else has moved here.

There’s always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner – with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.

It’s normal to sweat when you are putting up your Christmas decorations.

There is a city called ‘The Villages’ where 87,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets. 50% of these people are swingers ; the rest just got too old to care about it.

Jupiter is a city, not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays . . not weeknights or weekends . . that’s for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.

You can’t say; ‘this is how we did it up north’. If you think that way, then go back up north. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside. But inside any restaurant or business it’s 65 degrees.

This would be even funnier if it weren’t so true

You should add some to this,  I am sure we can think up some good ones.

Bougainvillea Blossoms

These are the flowers that sold the house.

I also have a love-hate relationship with them.

Bougainvilleas.  Beautiful to look at, painful to maintain.

They have these spikes, that can be up to two inches long.  The spikes will scratch you even if you are nowhere near them.   I swear this plant will reach out and grab you and leave scratch lines on your skin.

Just watch out.

But they are also on a trellis behind the house.  It is the entire length of the Florida room as well as its height.  Say 10 by 20 feet.  If you look in the front window through the living room, you see these red, fushcia, and pink blossoms glowing at you from a distance hovering over part of the swimming pool.

Then you get closer and they bite your arms.

They don’t bite Rack though.  My dog is able to walk under the plant and come out unscathed.  There’s a path of cement squares under the arbor that he uses as a garden path.  They’re where they are so the rain doesn’t scour a gulley under my eaves.  He’s small enough that he’s enveloped in a world of cool shade, hot pink flowers, and a general feeling of warmth.  Or so I imagine as I see he’s taken to wandering under the thing when he’s outside in the sun.

In this climate they’re also fairly fast growing so I’m usually armed with a pair of clippers when I am out back.   I have to assume I could make a red or pink dye out of the flowers that float on the breeze.  One day after stepping on a spine from that evil plant, I put my shoes back on.  I rarely go barefoot out back as a result.  Later that night I got ready for bed and noticed that my white socks now had a pink blob on the bottom of them.  On my foot where the blob was was a flattened remnant of one of those pink flowers.   The pink did eventually wash out of my sock but it wasn’t after a couple washings.

Oh well, nobody ever looks at the bottom of my socks but me.

I thought you might want a little beauty, as well as a story.   So have a bougainvillea flower but watch for the thorns.

Happy Thanksgiving from Rack The Laser Dog and Ramblingmoose.com

Happy Thanksgiving from Rack the Laserdog, Oscar the noisy Parrot, and us here at www.Ramblingmoose.com

Can’t tell you what we’re doing.  It isn’t a secret, it’s just that this is going up on Thursday, and I wrote it at 11am on Sunday before.  Rack was whining for attention, Oscar was chattering lightly, and I was trying to get “caught up”.

Here, dog, go fetch!  Nothing worse than a bored teenager that you can’t hand a mop or a vacuum cleaner to and get your housework done.

At this point we’ve got plans for a roast beef for today, but I won’t know until it happens.

So get off the computer and go spend time with your loved ones.  Have some for me!

Actually, the plans are (yes, I had to change this on Thanksgiving morning) that there’s the second-to-last from Publix at Five Points Chicken Roaster that will go into the oven later today.  Along with some stuffing, cranberry jelly, and some of the cans I had left in the house this week, we’re going to have a full table.  The only thing we forgot was some Celery.   Oh well!

Oh and the two pieces of cake I squirreled away will be quite nice.

So from me and mine to you and yours, enjoy your Thanksgiving. 

Purple Vandas Show Again

Oscar’s close-up not withstanding, this was why I grabbed my camera this weekend.

The annual purple Vanda orchid bloom in my back yard.

The plant was one of those big box store buys.  It came in a little plastic bag with a tag that promised beauty and for most people it was promising a bit too much.  On the other hand, we have an excellent habitat for this plant.

Orchids can be painfully fussy to grow outside of the tropics or semi-tropics, but here, we put the plant in a box with some bark, connected a drip-feed irrigation line to the box and ignored it.

I fertilized it twice.  The last time was in 2012 during hurricane season.  It needed to be removed from its perch and dipped into a bucket of water with this weird blue powder mixed in and then placed back on the wall.   The problem is that the Vanda liked it so much where it was that the roots grew out of the box and onto the wall behind it.

The orchid is welded to the wall so it’s not going anywhere so it won’t be fertilized that way again.

We look forward to this blooming each year.  It’s the second of the annual blooms.  The other orchids haven’t opened yet, but who knows, they may still yet.   It’s one of the benefits of living here on the quirky little island, you can grow weird plants like orchids.   Just strap them to a tree and give them water.  They like that sort of thing.

Oscar Really Wanted His Picture Taken

There are some things you need to know about having a parrot.

They live long lives.  I’ve had Oscar since 1986.

They learn a lot of subtle things.  Oscar knows that I keep a bag of Pecans in the shell on the counter in the kitchen near the preparation for my coffee and my iced tea.   He learned that if he says hello enough, I will pay attention.   Two plus two being what they are, he realized that I’m a soft touch and if he gets “cute” enough, he can nag me for those pecans in the morning.

They can be very loud.   We have a “Parrot Safe Volume” that we can play music at in the house.  Music is anything that makes a sound.   If it gets louder in the house than the Parrot Safe Volume, Oscar will accompany it.  If I want to listen to music without having that accompaniment, I use headphones.   If you have a spare pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, you will know what I mean when I say that they can be a true blessing in disguise.

Parrots are curious creatures.  All of the above is a part of why people keep them.  They really do work their way into your life in a way that few other creatures can.  When I stood up and grabbed the camera, “Hello” came from the cage.  However, armed with a few words and sound effects, Oscar knows how to get his point across with inflection just like any other person, feathered, furred, or not.  The hello is not mere parroting.  He will sound like a little teenager who wants attention by saying “Hell-LOW!”.  When he wants to say goodnight, he will make a whistle like a smoke detector we had in our house in Philadelphia back in the 1990s.  A Single Pure Tone when the light goes out is enough.  He will do that when it is time for bed, and he will do it when I walk out of the door to take Rack for his morning walk before sunrise.

So I was not surprised at all when I heard that “Hell-LOW!” from the cage this morning when I grabbed the camera to go out back and grab a few choice pictures.  As I got closer to the cage, he said it again, and kept saying it as I adjusted the date forward to be correct. 

Fine, Oscar, you get your time on the internet.  The next time someone accuses me of “merely parroting” something, I will thank them.  It means I’m paying extra attention and want to make sure that I get what they are saying.

Now just press the button and take my picture, I’m ready for my close up.

If It Were A Real News Station Instead of Fox, I Would Have Worried

Mr Fearful Dog, A.K.A. Rack, our faithful black and white Mc Nab Dog has an oddball habit.

Truth be told, he’s got a lot of oddball habits.  Some of them were due to my own quirks.  I will own those.

Going through my daily routine, I generally have him come in and visit.   I expect to see him wander in, park next to my low-slung Poang chair and gently invite me to pay attention to him by standing next to the right arm.  He’s grown since April from being lower than the arm to being about 6 inches taller than the arm, so now I end up with a furry arm rest.

That fur not being my own, I stop what I’m doing and pay attention to him.  After all, I can always go back to whatever I was up to but a dog won’t be there forever.

Most mornings, Rack will entertain himself on his mat, toss his toys around, come over and invite my attention.  You know, all normal dog stuff.  Since I’m generally up at Stupid O’Clock, I’m generally also up before you are.   The city is as quiet as a city ever gets.  At Stupid O’Clock plus 15 minutes, I’ve been outside walking around with him and the only things you hear are the traffic on the interstate, three miles away, and the normal “House Noises”.  Here it’s irrigation pumps and air conditioning compressors.

Before sunrise, your town would sound different as well, more peaceful.  This is the time of day when you can’t hear the neighbor snore it’s because their A/C kicked in to cool them down.   Yes, it’s November, yes, we have A/C on, don’t you?

In my living room that particular morning after sunrise, I had on a Trance Internet Radio station playing some “Uplifting Trance” music to keep the energy going.   That doesn’t always work because that was what I used to skate to, so I end up getting a runners high while sitting in the chair.  It does tend to mask the wakening city soundscape which helps me go through my own nonsensical routine.

Then the dog left.

Rack simply dropped his toys, stood up, and marched out of the room.   I heard the door of the crate rattle followed by the thump of paws and elbows hitting the bottom of the crate.  Shaking my head and thinking that the silly furball heard a trash truck somewhere in Miami, 40 miles away, I went back to what I was doing.

Or rather I tried to.

The drone wasn’t all that noticeable at first.  When the windows on the house started to rattle, I thought that’s odd.  I realized it was also obnoxiously loud as there was a News Helicopter overhead.  Or rather since it was Miami’s Channel 7, it was a distant approximation of something that was once a news organization.  Since it is also the local Fox Affiliate, I wasn’t terribly concerned.  Not a “real” news copter, nothing to worry about since there were no “real” news copters about joining it.

I walked out to the yard and saw this blue and red beast doing lazy circles over the quirky little island.  Somewhere over near Five Points, the copter circled like a noisy buzzard that was watching over a dead carcass that resembled a journalist’s career.

Complete in my security that there wasn’t anything really important to worry about, I pulled some weeds before getting bored by it all and returning to my routine.  Rack was safe inside his giant plastic crate that takes up most of the free room in my master bedroom, and I laughed at the “French Farce” aspect of ‘”News” Corp’ being in the neighborhood.

It would have been more entertaining if the Goodyear Blimp had returned.  At least Rack doesn’t seem to mind that silver cigar heading by on its way North to the airpark in Pompano Beach.

So when things get overwhelming, it’s nice to have a plastic box to hide from it all.  Even if it isn’t real news, it can be scary to a furry little guy.

Impossibilities in the World and 9 Months Later – Humor

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can’t breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

9 MONTHS LATER…..

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith.
So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

‘Yes, I do.’ Said Keith.

‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
‘Well, um, yes!,’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,’I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’

Keith’s face turned beet red and he said,
‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.
I’m afraid I did.’
‘Why do you ask?’

‘She just died and left me everything.’

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?…
you know you smiled…
now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Silent But Deadly and Something for Seniors To Keep The Grey Cells Active

Silent but Deadly

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.

Something for seniors to do to keep those “aging” grey cells active!

1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. …What was the third child ‘s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers….What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, …what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole …that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language …is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ….How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. …Why not?

8. What was the President ‘s Name…in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, …and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,… “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ….how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name?

Answer:Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn ‘t discovered yet. [ You ‘re not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President ‘s Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come on …]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

Weird Browser Stats

There are Lies and then there are Statistics.

I’m sure we’ve all heard that before.  I was going through statistics on this blog.  Not really sure why, but occasionally I do check it.  Other than realizing that people in far flung parts of the US, China, The Ukraine, and others like to look at recipes, pictures from the Florida Keys, and read cute stories about cute dogs, it does help inform me as to whether I should continue this exercise of writing something each day.

Even if it is a copy and paste exercise on the weekends.   Bad Joke Saturday and Bad Joke Sunday have to get their Bad Jokes somewhere!

All statistics are approximations, your mileage may vary…

Some of the hits are obviously false, such as those from crawlers and the like.  I’ve been told to ignore those, and I won’t be even saying who they are here because I don’t want to encourage them.

Yes, it’s like the misbehaving child at the family table – ignore your bots and they’ll behave.

If you do look at your statistics and see something coming from a Vampire or a Zombie site, ignore it or you’ll get spiked as well.  Google Analytics is correct, Blogger is not.

But within that stat page, I also get reports on what kind of technologies that are being used to look at the blog.  

Someone is using something called “NS8” to get here.  I had to follow that one up.  I mean, it’s not like it’s one of my Linux readers, or someone using their iPhone or Mac to surf here, I can tell what that is.  I know that when someone surfs me with Iceweasel, they’re on Debian Linux since that is what I use on my Linux Machine.  Stability, thy name is Debian.  They really should use the slogan “Debian, It Just Works!”.  Even on your 10 year old computer…

Anyway…

Not having ever heard of NS8 I looked it up.   NS8 is “most likely” a copy of the old Netscape Browser version 8.   To give you an idea, that’s equivalent to Firefox 1.0.   Firefox is on version 25 at this date. 

Congrats, you are using the latest version of Firefox!  is what you should see when you click on that Firefox link.

PSA – Upgrade your software when you can.   Or some blogger will be waggling a finger at you for not doing so.

I’m looking at you Windows XP People.   You’re almost as bad as I was when I got my Mac – it had OSX Leopard on it, and I immediately upgraded a month later to Snow Leopard.

My Mac Peeps will know what I’m talking about.   How’s your Mavericks?  Kewl?

Immediately, a month later.   Er… well they do say that Macs have no viruses and well…

Not content to just wonder about this NS8 thing, I also got a visit from someone using something called “OS;FBSV”.

Er, wha?

The best I can tell is that somehow, someone, is using their iPhone in Facebook to follow through. 

Hey, it may not matter to you, but I am a curious type.

I did after all have a person surf my blog from something called “Windows NT 6.1”.  Most likely someone got bored while working on a server somewhere in a noisy server room and surfed my page.

I just hope I didn’t bore them or the rest of you too much with all that.

Cream Biscuits – When You Need Them in 15 Minutes

I’m  trying to use up ingredients in the fridge.  It’s cluttered, and I have way too many half used containers of stuff.

I was looking for something to make with some of That Stuff (TM) when I stumbled across this recipe.  I do prefer my “usual” Gold Medal Flour Biscuit Recipe, but when it comes to that one, I end up taking the time to make butter, strain it, separate the buttermilk, then blend it all back.   That Usual Biscuit Recipe takes longer but has a punch of butter flavor that you expect out of them.   Once the butter is made, it’s easy, but getting there is half the battle.

Or half the batter.

This takes all the thinking out.  No cutting in of butter chunks, no fretting over odds and ends.   It’s a biscuit recipe that you can teach your kid or a Non Baker.  For my vegetarian friends, and you know who you are, it’s vegetarian too.

This recipe was 15 minutes.  It took the oven longer to come up to the 500F temperature than it did for me to make the batter.  10 minutes in the oven and it was done.

Ingredients:

  • 2 Cups Self Rising Flour
  • 1 Tablespoon Sugar
  • 1 1/2 Cups Heavy Cream

Preparation:

  • Preheat oven to 500F.
  • Add Flour to large mixing bowl.
  • Sprinkle sugar on top.
  • Stir the flour and sugar together evenly.
  • Create a well in the middle into which you pour your cream.
  • Mix well until smooth.
  • Scoop out the batter onto Cookie Sheet lined with Aluminium Foil – Do not use Silpat or Parchment as both will scorch or burn at 430F and 451F respectively.
  • Bake for 10 minutes or until golden.

Yield – 9 or 10 biscuits.  200 calories (roughly) each at 10.

When I say it was quick and easy, it took me longer to write this article than it did to make the biscuits!