Silent But Deadly and Something for Seniors To Keep The Grey Cells Active

Silent but Deadly

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.

Something for seniors to do to keep those “aging” grey cells active!

1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. …What was the third child ‘s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers….What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, …what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole …that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language …is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ….How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. …Why not?

8. What was the President ‘s Name…in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, …and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,… “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ….how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name?

Answer:Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn ‘t discovered yet. [ You ‘re not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President ‘s Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come on …]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

Weird Browser Stats

There are Lies and then there are Statistics.

I’m sure we’ve all heard that before.  I was going through statistics on this blog.  Not really sure why, but occasionally I do check it.  Other than realizing that people in far flung parts of the US, China, The Ukraine, and others like to look at recipes, pictures from the Florida Keys, and read cute stories about cute dogs, it does help inform me as to whether I should continue this exercise of writing something each day.

Even if it is a copy and paste exercise on the weekends.   Bad Joke Saturday and Bad Joke Sunday have to get their Bad Jokes somewhere!

All statistics are approximations, your mileage may vary…

Some of the hits are obviously false, such as those from crawlers and the like.  I’ve been told to ignore those, and I won’t be even saying who they are here because I don’t want to encourage them.

Yes, it’s like the misbehaving child at the family table – ignore your bots and they’ll behave.

If you do look at your statistics and see something coming from a Vampire or a Zombie site, ignore it or you’ll get spiked as well.  Google Analytics is correct, Blogger is not.

But within that stat page, I also get reports on what kind of technologies that are being used to look at the blog.  

Someone is using something called “NS8” to get here.  I had to follow that one up.  I mean, it’s not like it’s one of my Linux readers, or someone using their iPhone or Mac to surf here, I can tell what that is.  I know that when someone surfs me with Iceweasel, they’re on Debian Linux since that is what I use on my Linux Machine.  Stability, thy name is Debian.  They really should use the slogan “Debian, It Just Works!”.  Even on your 10 year old computer…

Anyway…

Not having ever heard of NS8 I looked it up.   NS8 is “most likely” a copy of the old Netscape Browser version 8.   To give you an idea, that’s equivalent to Firefox 1.0.   Firefox is on version 25 at this date. 

Congrats, you are using the latest version of Firefox!  is what you should see when you click on that Firefox link.

PSA – Upgrade your software when you can.   Or some blogger will be waggling a finger at you for not doing so.

I’m looking at you Windows XP People.   You’re almost as bad as I was when I got my Mac – it had OSX Leopard on it, and I immediately upgraded a month later to Snow Leopard.

My Mac Peeps will know what I’m talking about.   How’s your Mavericks?  Kewl?

Immediately, a month later.   Er… well they do say that Macs have no viruses and well…

Not content to just wonder about this NS8 thing, I also got a visit from someone using something called “OS;FBSV”.

Er, wha?

The best I can tell is that somehow, someone, is using their iPhone in Facebook to follow through. 

Hey, it may not matter to you, but I am a curious type.

I did after all have a person surf my blog from something called “Windows NT 6.1”.  Most likely someone got bored while working on a server somewhere in a noisy server room and surfed my page.

I just hope I didn’t bore them or the rest of you too much with all that.

Cream Biscuits – When You Need Them in 15 Minutes

I’m  trying to use up ingredients in the fridge.  It’s cluttered, and I have way too many half used containers of stuff.

I was looking for something to make with some of That Stuff (TM) when I stumbled across this recipe.  I do prefer my “usual” Gold Medal Flour Biscuit Recipe, but when it comes to that one, I end up taking the time to make butter, strain it, separate the buttermilk, then blend it all back.   That Usual Biscuit Recipe takes longer but has a punch of butter flavor that you expect out of them.   Once the butter is made, it’s easy, but getting there is half the battle.

Or half the batter.

This takes all the thinking out.  No cutting in of butter chunks, no fretting over odds and ends.   It’s a biscuit recipe that you can teach your kid or a Non Baker.  For my vegetarian friends, and you know who you are, it’s vegetarian too.

This recipe was 15 minutes.  It took the oven longer to come up to the 500F temperature than it did for me to make the batter.  10 minutes in the oven and it was done.

Ingredients:

  • 2 Cups Self Rising Flour
  • 1 Tablespoon Sugar
  • 1 1/2 Cups Heavy Cream

Preparation:

  • Preheat oven to 500F.
  • Add Flour to large mixing bowl.
  • Sprinkle sugar on top.
  • Stir the flour and sugar together evenly.
  • Create a well in the middle into which you pour your cream.
  • Mix well until smooth.
  • Scoop out the batter onto Cookie Sheet lined with Aluminium Foil – Do not use Silpat or Parchment as both will scorch or burn at 430F and 451F respectively.
  • Bake for 10 minutes or until golden.

Yield – 9 or 10 biscuits.  200 calories (roughly) each at 10.

When I say it was quick and easy, it took me longer to write this article than it did to make the biscuits!

Browser Basics – Where Do I Type The Web Page?

Some of you will look at this discussion and wonder why someone would do what I’m going to describe.

I was looking at the statistics for this blog and thought I’d lend a helping hand.

Most browsers, when you start them, will put you at a search page.  Typically that is Google for Firefox and Chrome.   I think Safari drops you onto www.apple.com on the Mac.  I try hard to forget anything connected with Internet Explorer these days.

So you get a big helpful page with a box to type in your search query.  You typed in Ramblingmoose.  Hit enter.  It gives you a list of articles I wrote.  It should have the base web page at the top – http://www.ramblingmoose.com .

You used your mouse/trackpad/trackball to move the cursor to the link and clicked on it.  

If you did all that before I put this article up on the web page, you would see the picture, minus my writing and the little yellow box.

We all start somewhere, and if you aren’t told how to do something basic, you will figure it out the best you can, and repeat it until someone whispers in your ear an easier way.

That would be me.

The little yellow box is where you should be typing that address, unless you really did mean to do a search.   It is called the Address Bar, generically, although I’ve heard other “Marketing Friendly” terms used.

In Firefox, at least, if you type in the majority of the name, it will try to “make” the most likely URL for you.   URL is the web address like www.ramblingmoose.com or some other website. 

So if you just type in ramblingmoose in the address bar, you may get here.  At least I just did when I tried it out on Firefox 25.0.1 on Windows 7 on this day in 2013…

Why is that important enough to warrant a blog posting? 

It saves you time.
About 10 percent of you do a search each day to get here.
I wanted to help.
That’s why you came here.

Now I’ll go back to finding Just The Right Font for this blog and annoy everyone with changes every couple minutes until I’m satisfied.  I just don’t like Arial or Helvetica.  Bleah.

Your Energy and My Dog May Equal Tightly Wound Spring

A dog may be a blank slate, but that blank slate comes with a whole box of colored chalk.  Or big box of crayons.  Once you get that waxy stuff on the slate it’s going to be tough to wash it off anyway, to the mixed metaphor might be just better than I first thought.

Hmmm…

Rack is a high energy dog.  Any Herding or Working Dog breed will be.   He’s also very skittish around people, except some very specific people who are on his safe list.  I’m still learning what that list is. 

When we’re out, and he sniffs out some of his dog friends, he goes on alert.  As much as a block away, it is tail up, ears up, and sniffing.  Then, the tail starts to wag.  Depending on which dog it is, the tail could leave a welt on you as it’s a blur of black and white energy.

We approached our friends, dog and person.  This time it was done quietly.  Marc lives around the way, and is used to us, and our energy crisis.  He will pet Rack, gently, and use quiet tones.  The result is that Rack isn’t jumping all over the place like a giant spring loaded toy.  Sure, the excitement is there but it’s manageable.  Marc’s dog is an elderly Dalmatian named Pepper.  Pepper doesn’t appreciate being climbed by an over eager puppy so she’s getting wary.

The low, slow, and mellow approach is the way to go.

Dogs read your energy and body language.  After all, while they may learn a few words, to a Dog, English or any other verbal language is an arbitrary construct.  You can speak sweetly to a dog while saying obscenities and the dog will probably just wag its tail.  Conversely, if you yell at the top of your lungs “YOU ARE A GOOD DOG!!!!”, the dog will rightly consider you insane and try to run for the hills.

The nearest proper hill to me is in Titusville, Florida.  That is about 200 miles away, so please don’t yell things at my dog!

The second person we met on that walk did.  He didn’t scream at my dog but his energy and his high squeaky “little guy” voice got Rack bouncing around.  He’s got two Greyhound rescues, and I have never seen a Greyhound who was hyper.  The two dogs were reacting to the energy exchange in an interesting manner.  One was a step behind the other.  That dog seemed disinterested in my own little spring, and was walking well behind the pack.  He really seemed like he wanted to be “elsewhere”.  The lead dog was a quarter step behind his master who now was starting to make sounds like a whistling tea kettle.  That dog wasn’t exactly happy with the scene but was trying to make a go of it.

Once we finished with the excitement, I saw the results.   The last quarter mile walk was me correcting Rack.   He will normally walk slightly ahead, leash slack.   Not now.   My arm was being pulled due forward by a rigid leash.  That won’t do.  The energy level was way too high as a result of the squeaking voice and energy.

High energy dogs can be amazing.  Without that energy and “drive” you will have a lap dog.  They won’t be “driven” to do things like be sniffer dogs, rescue dogs, therapy dogs and the like.   When was the last time you saw someone walking a Shih-Tsu or a Basset Hound as a seeing-eye dog?

If you wonder why a dog acts the way he is, consider what you’re showing yourself to be.   There’s a reason why you have a Cheerleader at a sports event – they’re trying to get the crowd “up”.  That’s exactly the wrong type of energy to have around a dog, whether they’re in training or not.

But, hey, who am I to judge?  Some folks like crazy pent-up energy.

Orchids on the Shed

It seems we have a routine here.

It’s only been two hours plus a little bit after our first walk of the day.  I’m up well before the dawn, watching the skies lighten with Rack, my dog, in tow.

After I get a couple of hours of work done, I settle in to have breakfast.  I get my black and white furry visitor at the edge of the kitchen.

There seems to be a line in the sand drawn which he cannot pass.  The kitchen being Gandalf, he stands at the edge looking in at me longingly. 

He’s not always looking for a handout, sometimes it’s entertaining to watch people fly about in the kitchen preparing giant vats of food as if some conjurer waved their hands, cast a spell, and great amounts of curried chicken appear.

As If By Magic!

Sometimes that’s true, but not always.  Usually by that time in the morning, Rack simply wants to go out to explore, yet again.   My backyard is the target. 

This time he was more insistent than usual.  He’s got a very high pitched and reedy whine that comes out when he’s frustrated that he’s not getting his message across.  I ask him what does he want and watched as he made a bee-line for the back door. 

Making up a mug of yogurt with cranberry sauce, we walked out with the tail end of my breakfast in one hand, camera in the other.   There is always a reason to take a walk around back.  Whether it is looking over the flowers and other plants, pulling weeds or vines that threaten to enrobe the world, or simply to breathe fresh air, you can spot something interesting for a view.

November is a lot of things, but it seems that it is the month that my favorite “weeds” begin to bloom.  I have grown accustomed to Coleus and Penta and Hibiscus.  So much so that they have faded into the background as expected.  The Orchids are not like that.  They bloom only when conditions are right.  When their work is done, or conditions change, or some butterfly in the Amazon flaps its wings, the blooms will drop. 

They all have their moment in the sun, and I look forward to them.

These are the same sort of plant that I used to bring up North as a gift.  They’d never do much there other than slowly fade away.  Here you can strap an orchid to a tree in semi-shade and as long as they get enough water, they will bloom.

They enjoy being under the eaves, predictably blooming and lasting into next year.  When the weather warms in Spring, the blooms have mostly dropped.  One or two will remain on the more heat tolerant plants, but it is then that they rest.

For now, dog and man will enjoy them.  Even if I don’t have yogurt to finish under the spreading sea grape tree next to the shed, there will be cause to pause.

So, How Is Norma? – Humor

HOW IS NORMA?

This is hilarious!!

A sweet grandmother
Telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked,

“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied,
“Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
News.”

The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me a thing!”

TRUE STORY