Golfing with the Boss

A guy goes for a round of golf with his boss but the day is a bit stressed as there is constantly two women playing ahead and taking their sweet time on the fairways and greens.

After a few holes of this nonsense, the boss asks the guy to go ask the ladies to step aside so they can play through.

The employee walks down the fairway and about halfway there, he turns abruptly and comes back.

“Are they gonna move or what?” asks his boss.

“I couldn’t ask,” explains the employee, “one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress!”

“Damn it! I’ll go sort this out,” says the boss and he heads down the fairway, but halfway there, he too turns back.

When he gets back he looks the employee in the eye and says: “It’s a small world.”

Roxanne and the Fire Station Re-dedication

Really, there are some very nice things about living in a small town.  Even if that small town is wrapped by a rather large monster called Fort Lauderdale, our little enclave of 12,800 or so good people and a few stinkers can be a nice place to be.

When I moved here, I was looking forward to being in a place you could wrap your mind around.  Not Too Big And Not Too Small.  Having lived in Chestnut Hill section of Philadelphia, happily, I started to see that sort of community, but it was diluted by being in the city limits of Philly.

I now know that if I leave the house, I have to double the time that some of you folks out in the Suburbs would take to walk to the corner – if you ever left your car behind.

South Florida is famous for being a place that a car is required.  You have to drive everywhere, and since they’re trying to convince people to take the buses, it’s only going to get worse.  You can widen the roads to add a bus lane, but without adding a bus lane you will make certain that there will be people out there who will make it a point to vote against the politicians in charge of that decision wherever possible.

County of Broward is a good case in point.  The county government infrastructure exists, but I am hard pressed to see any point to it or any good at all done by them.  Most Florida counties, I would wager, are the same.

However I’m lucky.  I’m in the enclave of Wilton Manors.  You see, I don’t need a car.  I can walk within a half mile to anything that I would require, and add more distance up to a mile and I’m pretty well suited.

So I walk.

Everywhere.

It works out that I have a herding breed dog, a Mc Nab Dog, that requires exercise.  Generally as a result I’m walking two miles a day, some days as much as 5.

Now, my own walking pace with the dog is about 3 miles in an hour.  One of those three dog walks should take about 20 minutes.  Bags in hand, looking for a safe place to dispose of them.

But it doesn’t happen that way.

Over the weekend we were notified by The City that there was a ceremony at the Fire Station.  Apparently every decade or so they have a celebration, and talk about what the building means and what it does for the community.

Great.  Lets go.   We made a mental note of it and decided to go.  After all, being even slightly interested in the goings on in a Small Town, you get to know The City.

 

Yes, in capital letters.

In our case, we know practically everyone in The City government of Wilton Manors by at least face, and know the management structure by name.  It’s not a brag, it’s a part of living here.  They’re good people and certainly worth getting to know as they do their jobs and get things done.

I’ve been waved at by most of them, even had one of the Police higher ups (no, I won’t say who) stop traffic, set off the sirens and horns and lights, just to say hi.

Like I said, one of the perks.

That’s when my own bad timing got in the way.  You see, I have to plan that when I go anywhere, that 20 minute mile with the dog is always doubled.  I allow an extra 20 minutes minimum to say hello to this shop keeper or that barback, or the guy who makes  the excellent ice cream on the shop over in the lofts just a short way on the other side of the Drive.

It is definitely like the movie Roxanne’s first scene.  Steve Martin walking to his fire house as the fire chief saying hello to people, sticking his rather large nose into shops, and I think he even saved a cat.

Fun movie, well worth the watch, it’s a retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac’s tale set in a rather beautiful Oregon seaside town.

I’m not a fire chief, but that is pretty similar to my own experience here.

You see I missed the dedication of the Fire Station.  I think I blitzed.  I didn’t put Two and Two together.

You can’t say I wasn’t warned.

I was walking East on Wilton Drive, trying to get home with the dog pulling me towards things.  He thought he was going to visit with the owner of the art gallery, get attention, get cookies, and get on with things.

I was in a rush when I heard it.  A Chorus of City Management.

I heard my name called out over the five lanes of traffic.  “BILL!!!  THAT’S HIM!  BILL!!!”

I’m thinking who on earth could that be.

Then in the twilight I saw them.  It was a cluster of about 10 to 15 of the people who I consider my own friends, the majority of the City Mangement structure of our town.  Calling out my name.  Really quite nice to have that kind of a greeting.

I looked over at them and waved.   Rack got spooked by the fire truck and pulled me off my balance.  I even heard a chuckle from across the street.

But I didn’t figure it all out.  Even though I was invited, I didn’t think that this was the night of the ceremony.  I thought it was some sort of night out and the truck was going off to fight a fire.  After all, it was the cooking hour and this was the time where most kitchen fires start – 6 to 7 pm.

I’m getting pulled away, waving at the folks across five lanes of too fast traffic and walking toward the house.  Eventually I get pulled into the house and close the door smiling at the situation.

I was still a bit clueless until I spoke with Kevin about the details.  He reminded me that “We had that ceremony to go to but I was late in a meeting and you didn’t realize what was going on”.

I was disappointed that I missed the little ceremony at our fire station, after all, these were the people who I know the best here in town, those who I am most comfortable with.

We get notifications about every other month.  The city holds get-togethers for things like this.  Holiday celebrations, re-dedications, breakfasts for the Veterans, and the like.  I get the notices, and really do have to make it a point to go to the next one.

After all, why not spend time with those who you know.  Even if it will take me 20 minutes to walk the half mile to city hall, it’s well worth it.

Even if my nose isn’t huge like Cyrano’s.

Opporknockity – And A Jamaican at a Job Interview

A family in the suburbs of Connecticut had a young daughter who loved to play the piano.

One day, her parents listened and thought, “We’d better get that piano tuned.” So they called up a famous piano tuner named Opporknockity, who came over right away and their piano was good as new.

The very next day, the girl’s little brother sat on the bench and banged on the keys and the strings so hard that the piano went right out of tune again.

So their dad got on the phone and asked the piano tuner to please come back over. He sighed and said,

“Opporknockity tunes but once.”

 

A Jamaican at a Job Interview

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the boss won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the boss said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” the man says, “Dats easy.”

And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9” says the man.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree… “Ere ye go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt and says, “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “A little dog came along and pooped by each tree…so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred!”

The Rooster – and Paddy’s First Day On The Job

The Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.”

“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are round the back.”

 

Paddy’s First Day on the Job

A bunch of Englishmen see that it’s an Irishman’s first day on a construction site.

Deciding to mess with him, they go “Hey, Paddy, since it’s your first day, we want to know if you know your stuff. What’s the difference between a joist and a girder?”

Paddy thinks for a moment before saying, “Ah, sure, I know that. ‘Twas Joyce who wrote Ulysses and Goethe who wrote Faust.”

Three Ingredient Beer Batter English Muffins

I had to update this before I posted it.  It really is not a three ingredient recipe.

It is a TWO Ingredient Recipe.  The Sugar is completely optional.  I made this for breakfast since I originally wrote this, and found that I didn’t need the extra sweet to it.

Yep, English Muffins from a bottle of beer and some Self-Rising Flour.  If you are patient, and cook them well, they actually have a pretty good texture.   A Wee bit Soft, but that’s the nature of a Beer Bread.

So, the original write up below has been tweaked.

A while back, I got to try a Beer Bread recipe.  Beer bread is one of those things.  It doesn’t make a bread so much as a muffin that people pretend is bread.

There is normally way too much sugar added, they tend to use fruit and spices to hide the taste of the beer, and it just isn’t what I would call “Bread”.

Sure, you might, but you also will admit it just isn’t the right texture for sandwiches.

However, it is tasty and very easy to make.

I got involved hacking the recipe and came to some conclusions.

First, the sugar is DEFINITELY optional.  My original recipe was three tablespoons to the batch.  I was able to reduce that to 1 tablespoon and I will be making this again and leaving the sugar out.  I did, as I said above, and it tastes really much better as an English Muffin – which shouldn’t really be all that sweet.

Second, the leavening is “mechanical”.  It’s all from the carbonation in the beer hitting the salt that is in the self rising flour.  You can use soda if you prefer to avoid the little bit of alcohol in a beer bottle.

Sure, take all the fun away!

But the use of soda also will add flavor to the bread.  A Black Cherry soda used in a beer bread would go well with Raisins or dried Cherries.

So with all that hacking and thoughts, I decided to try this on a griddle.  Like pancakes.  The end result was

to give me a nice pile of English Muffins.  Basically they came out like a tall pancake.  I ended cooking them until they started to bubble through the batter in the rings.

The rings are optional, by the time I got to the middle of the batch I was just dumping 1/4 cup of batter onto the hot griddle and waited.  It is up to you whether you want to use the rings, I have crumpet rings and will use them.  The batter seems to be a little on the dry side for Crumpet Rings.

It all goes together very quickly since you don’t have to wait for it to rise, and you don’t want to stir this mix too quickly or too vigorously because you will deflate your batter.

Nobody wants a deflated batter.

So here is the recipe:

Ingredients:

  • 2 1/2 cup of Self Rising Flour
  • 1 Tablespoon sugar – Optional and to taste.
  • 1 can of room temperature beer, 12 ounces.

Process

  • Preheat your griddle or skillet to 375F
  • Add the self rising flour to a large mixing bowl.
  • Sprinkle the sugar on top evenly and lightly mix the two ingredients with a fork.
  • Pour the beer on top of the mixture and gently mix the batter with a scoop or a paddle.
  • Do not mix the batter vigorously, but make sure that the flour is evenly mixed in.
  • Oil your skillet and crumpet rings (optional) with a towel and preheat the rings before cooking.  Note:  At 375F and using Sesame Oil, I had zero smoking.  Check your oil smoke-point before cooking.  Wikipedia has a great reference for this!
  • Pour 1/4 cup of batter onto the skillet and cook until golden brown or bubbles begin to show on the top side of the muffin.
  • Flip the muffin and cook the tops until golden brown.

Split and toast and serve as you would your favorite English Muffin.

The Hammer – and a couple of one liners

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard.”

 

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You God-damned bastard.”

The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

 

Some one liners –

 

What do you call a good looking tractor?   Attractor!

Three Nuns walked into a bar.   The fourth one ducked.

Why did the robber go !POP!… Because he was busted.

 

And finally ….

 

A Man goes to a Job Interview

His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.

“You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there’s this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?”

“I went to Yale”

“Wow great! You’re hired”

“Yay, I got a yob!”

A Chicken Crosses The Road

A chicken crosses the road to go to the library. It walks inside and says to the librarian, “book”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book”

“Any old book?”

“Book”

The librarian gives the chicken a novel and off It goes. A couple hours later the chicken comes back and says, “Book-Book.”

The librarian says, “Now you’re telling me that you want two books?”

“Book book” She gives the chicken two more novels.

The chicken leaves again only to come back one more time saying. “Book book book”

“Three books?”

“Book book book”

The librarian gives the chicken three more novels.

At this point, the librarian’s curiosity is piqued so she decides to follow the chicken to see what’s going on. She trails the chicken as it leaves the library, goes down the road, out of town, into the woods and down to a swamp where there is a bullfrog. The chicken hands the books to him.

The bullfrog looks at the novels and says, “Read it read it read it”