A Bunch of Dumb One Liners

How many DIY-ers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but about a dozen light bulbs.

What do you call James in a sticky situation?
James Bond.

Is there a hole in your shoe?
No?! Then how’d you get your foot in it?!

I just “passed wind”
If you catch my drift…

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment!!!!

A good pun is its own reword.

Why couldn’t the police solve the case of the flat car battery?
They had no leads.

Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
I did ap!
I did ap who?
Yuck! Go to the toilet!

A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies “I didn’t think you’d need one to get into Australia any more.”

Why did the golfer wear two pants?
He got a hole in one

I tried making jokes about people who don’t go to the gym…
…but none of them worked out.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

What do you do to a scientist after he dies?
You Barium.

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