Ten Short and Bad Jokes

Get Ready for some Groaners!

 

A man sued an airline for misplacing his luggage.
He unfortunately lost his case.

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey have the most toxic dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first. – from Law and Order

“Hey little pirate, where are your buccaneers?”
“Underneath my buckin hat!”

I took my orchestra onto a train one day
The conductor was terrible!

What does an astronaut do in his toilet?
Captain’s log.

The fact that there is only a stairway to heaven…
But a highway to hell says alot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I’m an expert at killing flies.
I’m a member of the SWAT team

It smells like a henway in here.
Person: What’s a henway?
Me: About 2 pounds.

The invention of the axe was a huge…
…breakthrough.

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year’s resolution to lose 10 pounds….
…Only 15 pounds to go!

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Welcome to Tot-Henge

In Manhattan, and many other large cities laid out on a grid, there are two very special days.  This was pointed out by noted “Science Dude” Neil deGrasse Tyson.  This is called “Manhattanhenge“.

What happens on those days is that the sun positions itself so that you can see it on the east-west streets.  It happens in Philadelphia, Toronto, and many other cities, whether it is noticed or not.

The important thing is that your city be laid out in a grid roughly with the compass alignment.

In my case, it has to do with food.

Doesn’t everything?  I mean food is easy to talk about.  We all food.  Yum.

Besides, bloggers like to write about recipes.  I’ll let you in on a secret, it’s so easy that it’s almost lazy.

And you get to talk about Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Because.  Just because.

Anyway, I got hungry.  I have been doing silly things with food for quite a while.  Mixing weird concoctions, putting picture to virtual paper, and writing about that.

Hungry is normal when you have a fast metabolism and are 193 CM tall and just under 100 KG.

That’s 6’4″ and 223 pounds dripping wet in Freedom Units as they say on various forums.

Lets face it, the economy here is big and we’re stubborn.  I cook in Metric but measure calories in Ounces because the math(s) is (are) easier.

There.  Should keep my friends in Her Brittanic Majesty‘s Realm happy.  We all love a happy Queen Elizabeth, long may she reign.

But I got creative.  Frozen food, fast.  I can put together a frozen food meal and toss it in a hot oven for 22 minutes, jump in the shower, shave, dress, and the timer on the thing is just starting to make noise for me to pull it out.

Now, here’s the trick.  This is why ChipHenge or TotHenge is important.

Are you ready?

Really?

I’m stubborn.  I hate soggy bottoms.  Especially on my food.

If you just toss frozen food on a cookie sheet (That’s where you cook your biscuits, Mate!) sometimes it crisps, other times it just gets soggy.

Hate that.  What fun is a soggy french fry?  Crisps should be Crisp.  Chips should be chippy.  Baked Fish should not be a puddle of mess.

So I stand the stuff up on its side.

As time went on the frozen food stacking got more and more elaborate.  I finally realized that this was turning into an obsession.  Say it with me…

“Hi!  I’m Bill, and I’m A Frozen Food Stacker!  A Chiphenge Afficionado!”

“Hi, Bill!”

It also helps that my name is “Bill W”.  No really, not for affect.

The neat thing is that if you have a frozen food that is soggy and it is cooked in the air like that you get nice crispy chips, crunchy fish, and something else that sort of rhymes.

Up on end my food goes into nice neat rows just like Center City Philadelphia.  The Liberty One and Two towers modeled in Cod.  The rows of row houses in South Philly in Tater Tots.

All this so I don’t have to heat up a fryer.

Or so I tell myself.

That sound?  Yeah, that’s my lunch.  If you’ll excuse me, I have to tear down my model of Manhattan for the noon meal.  I’m hungry, but you had to expect that.

Want some?

The Story of Santa Clothes and the Lump of Coal

A comment flew by me this morning that tripped a memory of a while back.

When you are a kid, one of the things you want the least are clothes for the holidays.

Oh sure, you need them, but they’re not exactly exciting.  At least now.  I remember an old picture of right after World War 2 in the rubble of a bombed out building, there was a child who was clutching a brand new pair of shoes as if it were the crown jewels he had just been given.  So be thankful that you can have that sort of a First World Problem, young child…

I know, get off the soap box, big guy, right?

Anyway, my nephew was another one of those kids.  I was like it and so was my sister, his mom.

“Uncah Beewl!  Santa Claus is coming soon and I am getting toys!”

Yeah he had that kids twang to his voice.  Uncah Beewl.  For the record, I never liked being called “Uncle Bill” because it reminded me of that horribly saccharine show Family Affair from back in the 1960s on US Television.   I had told my nephew it was ok, just call me Bill, but it didn’t stick.

“Are you now?” I asked

I was then treated to the excitement of a little pre-school boy telling me a list of toys and what he wanted to do to them.  Of course I was going to have a bit of fun with him.

“But, I heard you were getting a lump of coal!  Are you sure?  Maybe it is Santa Clothes who is coming, not Santa Claus?”

“NO! No lump of coal!  NOOOO!  No Santa Clothes!”

“But I heard that you were getting a lump of coal and some new clothes.  Socks and T Shirts for school.”

“You silly, Uncah Beewl!  No Santa Clothes! Noooo!  No lump of coal!  Toys!”

I swear the kid believed me, but hey he was young still!  “See, Santa Clothes comes when Santa Claus can’t.  Santa Clothes brings good boys and girls the clothes they need to go out in the world and be with their friends!  You are a good boy, right?”

I got the strongest “YES!” I could ever get from a kid.

“So you will get some clothes for the holidays then.  I will tell Santa Clothes that he can come and you will get socks and …”

“NOOOOOO!  NO Santa Clothes, Uncah Beewl!  No clothes for Christmahahahahs!”

 

He was on the edge of crying, I needed to back off a bit.  “We will see.  Maybe I can get to Santa and see what he can do.  But remember the holidays are soon and the sleigh is packed!”

My sister thought I had lost my mind, she may be right, it might have slid out my ear and rolled under the couch somewhere.

So when the day arrived I had found some items.  Wrapped in a nice pretty box was a bunch of kids socks.  Yep, had to do it.  Along with it was a separate box of a lump of black licorice candy that looked like a lump of coal.

Jon was not downstairs yet, so I slipped the two items front and center under the tree.

He came down, spotted the pretty little box with the lump of coal inside of it and opened it.

“Jon!  It’s a lump of coal!  Isn’t that great!”

“No Uncah Beewl!  Not great!”

“But look closer!  It’s not a lump of coal!  It is candy!”

Jon perked up.  He opened the candy up and had a smile on his face when he tasted the stuff.   I see he had the same like for Licorice as I do.

“There’s another box, Jon, go for it!”

Ok, not so happy about getting a box of socks are you?

“Jon, come here”  He was pouting thinking that his holiday gifts were over.  I had to make this right.

“Come on out to the Jeep.  I caught up with Santa but he said he was late and could I bring things to you personally? ”

Jon’s eyes were huge and he got real excited.

“Lets go to the Jeep!”

We trundled out to the big grey CJ7 that was parked in front of the house.  I remember some ice on the driveway that I skidded over.  I opened the tail gate on the car, and Jon got another big present.

This was the year of the fire engine.  My sister hated that thing, just like mom did.

 

But it was Perfect!

Santa and the lump of coal aside, this Fire Engine was big, and Sturdy, and when you pushed it, the siren would sound.  It was the hit of the year.  In fact it was the hit of the next couple years.

He went from being a pouty toddler to being completely happy with what he had.

The next couple years became a tradition.  Until he was around 18, Jon would get some licorice candy in the shape of a lump of coal.  A couple years I even got it back.

Good licorice candy too!

So the moral of the lesson was to calm down and Uncah Beewl will make it right.

And lumps of coal can be tasty too!

Happy holidays folks.  Glad you could share this fractured memory of days gone by in the prairies of South Jersey.

A Collection of Bad Jokes Guaranteed to Annoy Everyone, even Trekkers!

A Collection of bad jokes guaranteed to annoy everyone, even Trekkers!

My wife said she didn’t enjoy her asteroid burger.
She said it could have been a little meteor.

This year I’m releasing a Christmas record called Duvet Know it’s Christmas?
It’s a cover version.

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar
It was tense

I’m not a pessimist
I’m just an experienced optimist

Why did the cave hate miners?
They’re always picking on him.

This morning I saw an ant in my kitchen.
I placed a few sugar cubes in front of it. It had some of the sugar then went to tell its friends! Then I quickly hid the sugar because I wanted the ants think that their friend was a liar!

A blind man gets his vision back…
A miracle happens, and a man blind since he was born gets his vision back. He looks into a mirror and turns around. While pointing at the mirror, he says to his wife, “How did our son become so ugly?”

I’d like to buy a new boomerang please.
I’d like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?

Every time someone comments on my wrinkly clothes I just tell them that I have an iron deficiency.
Yep. I do that.

I saw Casper the ghost.
I said, You look pale and drawn.

A lawyer

A Greek lawyer, Mr. Impos, was on his deathbed. He had been running his highly successful firm Sybille and Associates for over 40 years now. He tells the guy who designs gravestones:

“I don’t want my gravestone to bear my name. I want people to recognise my grave when they see it, and know who I am”
The gravestone designer says “Well, I’ll just write upon it ‘Here lies an honest lawyer'”

Mr. Sybille replies “But how would that help?”
The designer says “Every time someone sees the grave they’ll say ‘Here lies an honest lawyer? That’s impossible!'”

I’ve nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.
He doesn’t have any superpowers, he just can’t climb out of the bath.

Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter?
Ever try and peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?

My friends told me to stop being a flamingo
I decided to put my foot down!

Definition of a tree….
Something that spends 100 years growing so that it can jump out in front of unsuspecting drivers

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

Three Ingredient Cake Recipe that actually tastes moist

This really shouldn’t be called a recipe.  It should be called a Hack.

It is so ridiculously easy to make that I laugh at it.

 

It is so popular that the recipe is just about everywhere including on the sites for the companies that make the mixes.

 

 

I tried it with a bulk white cake mix, but the recipe I keep seeing everywhere calls for a “Box Of Cake Mix”.  They are not specifying flavor.   Use your favorite.

The cake mix can’t be one of those “Just Add Water”.

You need a cake mix that wants you to add an egg.

I used White,  but a Yellow Cake mix would be fine.  Choose a flavor that is complementary to the Pie filling you are adding.

I wanted Cherry this time, but I have done it before with other flavors.  I have blueberry and lemon pie filling waiting in the wings for when I want to do it again.

 

 

Why do I have six cupcakes?  I have a small Bundt pan and I didn’t want to risk a mess.

The recipe calls for either two layers, or a Bundt Pan.  It was not very specific.  I would say two 9 inch layers or even perhaps 3 8 inches, but I suspect that may be a bit thin.

Butter and flour your pans.

Bake at 350F / 180C for 35 minutes (or whatever metric equivalent you need to have your toothpick come out clean).

I mean that really is it.  It is laughably simple.

Ingredients:

  • 1 box or 15 ounces of cake mix
  • 1 can of pie filling – 20 ounces or 590 ML
  • 3 large eggs

Process:

  • Butter and flour your pan.
  • Keep cupcake liner and pans aside for any extra cake batter.
  • Preheat oven to 350F or 180C.
  • To a large mixing bowl add 1 box/15 ounces cake mix, 1 can (20 ounces) of pie filling, and 3 eggs.
  • Mix the batter until smooth.
  • Add batter to pans taking care not to overfill.
  • Bake for approximately 35 minutes and test with a toothpick.
  • Make sure toothpick comes out clean

 

Optional:
Icing or not.  I have been putting Honey on top and I really do like that instead.

Personal preference!

Serve and enjoy

Einstein’s Chauffeur

Any time you find a joke that makes you smile while reading it, you have to share it.  That it includes Einstein and is completely G Rated just adds to the fun!

 

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

A hunter is trying to put all his deer on his plane

A hunter is trying to put all his deer on his plane.

The pilot asks him, “How many have you got?”

“Nine”, says the hunter.

The pilot shakes his head and replies, “I’m sorry, but this isn’t a very powerful aircraft. At most, you’ll only be able to bring five or six. Nine is too dangerous.”

“Actually”, the hunter points out, “I loaded nine deer onto a plane just like this one the last time I came here to hunt. It’ll be fine.”

The pilot shrugs and gives the hunter the all-clear.

… Later …

About fifteen minutes into the flight, the plane begins to wobble precariously. The pilot does all that he could to stabilise his aircraft, but eventually, he loses control, and the plane crashes, leaving both the hunter and the pilot stunned, but alive nonetheless.

“Damn”, says the pilot, “I wonder where we are.”

“From the looks of it”, says the hunter, “about ten kilometres from where I crashed last time.”