The Art Collector and The Lawyer

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and
asked to speak to his client, “Saul, I have some good news and, I
have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the
good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will
bring a minimum of $15-20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You’ve just made my day.
Now I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

How About Some Short Jokes and Groaners?

By shear coincidence …all these sheep look the same.

I’m going to stand outside so if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

One fifth of people are just too tense!

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foiled Again!”

I know a woman who owns a taser…

Let me tell you, she’s stunning!

What goes “Oh! Oh! Oh!”?
Santa walking backwards.

Mister?  Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”

There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding things together.

They’re called velcrows.

 

I know a guy who collects candy canes… …they are all in mint condition.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought “Dogs are easily amused!”

…then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

 

What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to?  Elementary!

 

Last night I had a dream that I was walking on a white sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning…

I got hit hard in the head with a can of 7up today.
I’m alright though, it was a soft drink!
I’m going to see Dr. Pepper just in case.
It didn’t hit my face and mess up my mug.
I could have had a V8.
Whatever you do, always give 100% unless of course, you’re donating blood.
What did one ocean say to another?  Nothing. They just waved!
Why was the 36″ garden crying?  It was only a yard.
I don’t trust people with Graph Paper.  They’re always plotting something.
Everything is made from matter.  That’s why everything matters.
What type of fish can perform a liver transplant?  A sturgeon.
How do you make a strawberry shake?  You put it in the freezer.

Mexican Milkweed is Surprisingly Easy to Propagate

Living as close to a nature preserve at M.E. DePalma Park means Monarch Butterflies float past my windows frequently.

I enjoy having them around, but it does mean that the food that I grow for them, Mexican Milkweed, is almost always eaten down to sticks.

It’s a bit frustrating because the cycle of life being what it is, the plants never get to the point where the

seeds will ripen enough to actually be able to replant.

I took a step back and looked at what was happening and realized that these things should be simple to propagate.  It turns out that I was absolutely correct.  Why wait for seeds, just wait for leaves.

The Monarchs being what they are will find the

milkweed, leave an egg or three on it, and move on.  This usually ends up where one sad little plant has three to six caterpillars fighting for food.  It also means that few live long enough to be butterflies.

My own attitude toward gardening is a pragmatic one.  If I have a plant that I like, I will try to propagate it.  If it propagates successfully, I end up having a lot of it.  For example, I am currently using “Screw Palms” or Dracenea Cane plants as ground cover because I have so much of it.  Take a cutting, drive it into semi moist soil to about the depth of your hand, and it almost always roots.

… In My Climate.  Your mileage may vary.

I have a long line of plant pots on a drip feed irrigation line.  This is specifically designed to allow me to grow more plants to take more cuttings to make the yard have more of the same plants.   It was also designed to be within the local watering regulations of a drip feed line – each head should be no more than one gallon per hour for example.

It’s quite successful.

So applying all that noise and technology, here is how I propagated my Mexican Milkweed.   I am seeing about an 80 to 90 percent success rate.

Step 1:  When the Milkweed has been eaten down to sticks, check for plant remnants where there is actually some leaf growth on it.  This will be your mother plant.  See above.

Step 2:  Cut a piece of the plant that has a leaf bud growing on it, that is at least a finger length long.  4 inches or 10 cm would be perfect.  I have had success with a cutting that had two leaf nodes on it.  About 2 inches or 5 cm.  I did not use rooting hormone, but that will only improve your success if you dip the root side of the cutting in the powder.

Step 3:  Push the cutting down into the soil to allow the existing last leaf node or two to show above ground level.

Step 4:  Make sure that the soil is kept moist and that normal growing conditions continue.  Growth should be fast and visible within a week or even a couple days.

Step 5:  When the cuttings begin to show some signs of vigor and begin to put forth new limbs, consider replanting in the ground or another pot.

That’s about it.  I have at least 20 cuttings growing now, and will be starting more when the mother plant puts out some more growth. The result would be like this flower head if ever the Monarchs let it get that far.  Usually this is where I spot the caterpillars doing their thing and turning the plant into Crudite.

Three Guys Get On A Plane

The three men are told you can each throw one thing out of the plane…

The Englishman picks a knife and throws it out, The Irishman picks an axe, And the Scot picks an explosive.

After the plane journey the Englishman returns home only to see his father crying in the garden

“dad! Dad! Why are you crying??”

His dad says – “well me and your mum were out here gardening when a knife fell from the sky…. And now she’s dead!”

After the plane journey the Irishman returns home only to see his father crying in the garden

“dad! Dad! Why are you crying?”

His dad says – “well me and your mum were out here gardening when an axe fell from the sky…. And now she’s dead!”

The Scotsman returned home to see his dad laughing loudly rolling on the floor in the garden, he says “dad!dad! What’s so funny?”

His dad replies “well me and your mum were out here gardening when I farted and next doors house blew up!”

One Please

In the early 1800s, a man relocated to the New World to seek his fortunes.

After some time had passed, he was prospering when news arrived that his father was ailing in the old country.

Eager to see his father before he passed, he rushed to a shipping agent to inquire about passage back to the Old Country.

The agent peered over his glasses and asked “How quickly do you need to make passage?”

The man thinks and says “Schooner rather than freighter, please.”

 

 

 

On the same vein, here’s a bonus!

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he turned 60 years old.
Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where he is…

Four Cherry Cordials, A Welcome Treat

I’ve had these all my life.

At least as long as I can remember.

These are the G Rated version of a treat that I discovered probably before I could walk well.  Always having a sweet tooth, I would gravitate toward them and anything else that tasted well.

I’d pop one in my mouth, and if I was patient, allow the chocolate shell to melt until the cherry sugar syrup would run out onto my tongue.  Then I’d have a third treat as the cherry waited behind for my molar to pop it open like a sweet balloon.

My sister discovered that I liked those things and when we realized that tradition said we should be giving gifts on holidays and birthdays, a box of these would show up.

A welcome treat.

Once, and only once, I found the Real Version of these.   They’d have an alcoholic brandy in them, most likely Kirschwasser, a German Cherry Cordial.  I remember those being “amazing” but decidedly hard to come by.  New Jersey, where my sister and I grew up, most likely had regulated them to being frightfully scarce and in “all my years” I’ve only ever seen them twice.

It has been a while since the Mastodons roamed free in the North Eastern United States, and I suspect that they ate most of the Alcoholic Cherry Cordials to keep them out of my own hands.  I guess they like Kirschwasser as well.

It’s an open secret between my sister and I that I will receive these in a “Care Package From Home”.

I see them here at the supermarket and it Isn’t Quite The Same.  Of course we could just toss one in the cart, but it just hasn’t felt right to do so.  While I truly enjoy these overly sugary treats, it wouldn’t have quite the same feeling since my dear sister didn’t toss them in a box, cart them to the Cherry Hill, New Jersey Post Office, stand in line, and post them to me here in South Florida.

Luckily those events are in the cooler parts of the year.  Shipping chocolate to Florida via the US Postal Service guarantees that they will arrive partially melted and most likely “deformed”.

But, Hey!  They Eat Well, Right?

I had gotten a welcome Care Package back around the holidays and set a few of these aside in a very cool part of the refrigerator.  Not so much to hide them from anyone else in the house, I did it to hide them from myself.  I wanted a small treat to remember a well thought and welcome present from someone dear to me, far away.

Plus they taste damn good.

POP! All gone!

Oh and frozen?  They’re amazing too!

The Ice Fishing Contest

An ice fishing contest is held between Norway and Sweden. The teams from each country get up early and set up their gear at opposite sides of a lake.

After about half an hour, the Norwegians haul up their first fish. The Swedes can hear them cheer from across the lake. Then another one bites, and throughout the day they catch a bunch of fish. The Swedes on the other hand can’t even get a nibble.

The next day the same thing happens, and the Swedes are yet to catch even one fish while the Norwegians keep hauling up fish after fish. They go home disappointed and confused.

The third day the Swedes decide to spy on the Norwegians to see if they can find out their secret. One of the team members sneaks around the lake and hides in some bushes near the Norwegian team.

A couple minutes later he comes running back to the others and says “Guys you wont believe this, but they’re drilling holes in the ice!”

Two Robins Were Sitting In A Tree

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

“I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one.

“Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

“O K,” said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I FREAKIN’ LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.”

Bread Dough in Five Minutes In A Plastic Bag

I guess the title says it all, if you’re looking for the short description.

There’s always a back story with me so hold on for the ride.

I wanted a Pizza, but really this can be used to make most basic breads.  I did not want to fuss around with a “full batch” of dough and make a cookie sheet full of rolls and … well you get the picture.

I will say that this will scale up to a larger batch and should be limited by how strong your own hands are.  You see, it’s all about your grip strength.  If you’ve got arthritis or some other limitation, use the machine.

On the other hand, this dough flew together so fast that it’s a great way to make fresh dough for small batches like one pizza dough ball or a couple of rolls.

Basically, I have a “Standard Recipe” for bread.  It’s “Pat’s Pizza Dough” recipe.   It makes 10 sandwich rolls, or about 8 torpedo rolls.  It also will make three pizza dough balls.  The original recipe is at the link – or you can even see my original note written 20 years ago in the picture.

The idea was cut the recipe down to one third of normal, then make it in a bag.

I added to a clean and food safe plastic bag the following ingredients.

  • 3 ounces of water
  • 2 teaspoons of oil
  • 1 cup of bread flour
  • 1 teaspoon of bread yeast
  • 1/3 teaspoon of salt (I used a well rounded 1/4 teaspoon)
  • 1/3 teaspoon of sugar (I used a well rounded 1/4 teaspoon)

The process was simple.

 

  • Squeeze most of the air out of the bag and wind the top up to close it.
  • Grip the mix at the bottom of the bag and squeeze it repeatedly.
  • The mix will eventually form a dough ball through repeated kneading.

 

You may have to adjust the water content to fit your needs.  Bread dough is effected by the weather and conditions in your house and kitchen just as you would expect.  Wet climate will make stickier dough, dry climate you may need to add more water.

For Pizza Dough, you need a dough ball that is more dry than tacky or sticky.  Similar to Play-doh or similar modeling clay compound.

For Bread Dough, you need a dough ball that will be a bit tacky and it may want to stick gently to your hands or the side of the bag – but you will be able to remove it from the bag.

Basically that’s about it.  I’ll use this again because it’s saving me a lot of time in preparation and clean up work.

But… it took me just five minutes to get this dough done.  Add to it rolling time and rising time as normal.

Stranger at the Door

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?” asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. Did you help him? She asks. No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?” “Yes” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?”, calls out the husband. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!”, replies the drunk.