A Scientist Is Studying A Trained Frog

Sorry to say but this bad joke I remember from my childhood.

Have a groan on me.

This frog has been trained to jump on command. Any time it hears the phrase “Jump, frog, jump!” it leaps with all its might.
The scientist prepares a scalpel, sewing kit, and measuring tape and begins his experiment; he says “Jump, frog, jump!” and as soon as the frog hears his voice, it jumps. The scientist measures the distance… the frog jumped four whole feet.
“Hmmm…” ponders the scientist, writing this down.

The scientist uses the scalpel to cut off one of the frog’s front legs, and then sews the wound up. Then, eager to see what will happen, the scientist commands “Jump, frog, jump!”
Hearing the scientist’s voice, the frog jumps. The scientist pulls out the measuring tape… the frog only made it three feet this time.
“Hmm!” the scientist says while stroking his beard.

The scientist removes the other front leg, stitches the wound closed, and resets the experiment.
“Jump, frog, jump!” he cries. The frog jumps forward, the scientist measures- only two feet of distance.
“Hmmm.” the scientist ruminates.

Next to go is one of the frog’s rear legs. Alas, sometimes science can be cruel.
The scientist orders the test subject to “Jump, frog, jump!” and at the sound of his voice, the frog jumps- only 12 inches this time, and slightly off-center.
“Hrm.” frowns the scientist, and records his data.

Finally, the last limb is taken off. The scientist places the legless amphibian back at his starting point and shouts “Jump, frog, jump!”
The frog just sits there, looking up at him with its little froggy eyes.

Perturbed, the scientist bellows “JUMP, FROG, JUMP!” to no avail. It just keeps looking up at him sadly with those little froggy eyes.

“AHA!” cries the scientist, flush with the excitement of discovery.
“Frogs with no legs are DEAF!”

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A Baker’s Dozen of Short Jokes

Why did the network admins go to Hooters?

To see the the server racks.

 

Someone just threw a bottle of omega 3 fish oil at me!
Luckily my injuries were only super-fish-oil.

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian!

That joke was Amazon!

 

What do a cheezit and a hungry white stoner have in common?

Both are baked snack crackers.

 

My ex tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

 

My cannibalistic friend really annoyed me!
So I gave him a piece of my mind.

 

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER!

 

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…

Man I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

 

What do astronauts use to enhance their performance?

Asteroids.

 

What do you call an insect on your family tree?
An ANT-cestor or just an aunt?

 

What did the wrench from New York say to the guy who kept interrupting him?

Hey, I’m torque’in over here!

 

What would you call Barbie’s Boyfriend if he was an alcoholic?
Heine-Ken!

Sunrise and Sunset in Wilton Manors

I am trying to reset my clock.  I should probably just ignore it.

What I mean is that since the Time Change is coming, I should do what I do every year and stop trying to “sleep in” because when Spring Ahead comes in a couple weeks, I’ll be getting up at a normal hour anyway.

Normal is just a setting on the clothes dryer anyway, right?

Yes, I still get up at Stupid O’Clock, but as Einstein will tell you, Time Is Relative, anyway.

I almost never am up after dawn, and I almost always have foot and paws to pavement on the first dog walk before then.

Mind you, while you are laying in bed, drooling into the pillows, snoring and rolling over to let the blood flow back into your arms, there are things you are missing.

The mornings here can be pretty amazing.  In the case of the sunrises, they can be stunning.  I live about 2 miles from the beach, that is 3 Kilometers.  Wilton Manors, Florida.  If I stand in the street in front of my house I can just clearly see the top floors of the hotels at the beach.

In this part of the world, having a clear sky is not all that common.  I mean literally completely devoid of clouds.  It’s the Tropics.  There is a lot of humidity here.  Typically there is a line of clouds that form well off shore that you can just barely see the tops of on a clear day.  They tend to dissipate once the sun comes up and it used to be that you could predict afternoon thunderstorms between 3 and 4 in the afternoon.  Too many people have moved here and created a heat island, but if you go to the smaller cities just North of us, that weather pattern still exists.   Fort Pierce for example.

I once was told by an Old Florida Hand that he knew when he was Up North when the stripe of sweat down his back disappeared.  Sure it would be hot up there, but the humidity keeps our backs damp.  Hard to explain to you people up North like in say the Carolinas…

But the clouds come through and decorate the skies.  Little Puffy Clouds, sometimes coalescing into showers or storms too small for Radar to spot, would float past, leave spots on the car, then move off somewhere else.  Keep the flowers blooming.

Those clouds do something else right around Sunrise and Sunset.  It captures those first or last rays of the sun that have traveled through many more miles of air than they would at noon due to the angle of attack.  Longer wavelengths of light such as blues and greens get stripped away and the clouds light up in brilliant yellows, then orange, then finally red as they fade to night, or the opposite as the lights begin to tickle them from underneath to start your day.

In the case of this particular day, it is a happy accident.  These pictures are one day, February 21, 2017.  Both the sunrise and sunset were captured.  Both were beautiful in their own right.   One brilliant light show started the day, and another closed it off.  Both were with in a few steps of each other, literally less than 100 paces apart.

All you have to do is wait for it.  It will get here, and if you miss it… there is always tomorrow.

Trolley Conductor

There is a town, in this town there is a massive trolley business. They have the best trolleys and they make the most money. They make their money by not paying people very much, people like George.

George was a trolley conductor for many years and he lived paycheck to paycheck. Part of his job was to take people’s coins and put them in the box, every once in a while he takes a few, but only to stay alive and feed his family.

One day, the big trolley executives realize they should be making more money than they are, so they hire an investigator to look into it. The investigator goes and rides the trolleys and finds George, now it just so happened that George’s son was sick and he needed the money so he stole some quarters, not much, just enough to help his son.

He investigator sees George do this and arrests him.

At the trial the trolley company wants to make a big example of him, do they bribe the judge, hey bribe the jury, and George gets death by electric chair.

They hook up the chair and turn it on, but nothing happens. They take George away and have somebody check out the chair and it should be working. They decide to give him the whole prison’s power all into the chair.

They put George in, plug it in and turn it on… and nothing happens. They are amazed and decide they need more power.

By this time the press have looking into the suspicious trial and they find out about the bribery.

The trolley company gets them to hook up half of the city’s power to this chair, so they can finally make an example of him.

But nothing happens.

The police come and free George. The press is overjoyed and they ask him, “how did you survive the electric chair”

George responds, “well.. I guess I’m just a poor conductor”

Even More Short Jokes!

A Job Interview in Psychiatry:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?

I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.

Very good, the job is yours.

 

What perches on your computer and says “Pieces of Seven! Pieces of Seven!”?

A parity error!

 

(you may want to read that last one out loud)

 

My friends asked me to impersonate a lion.

It was a roaring success.

 

I have spilt paint!
It’s a dyer situation.

 

How does the moon get a haircut?

Eclipse it.

 

I was going to write the Great American Nursing Home Romance Novel…

….but the title “50 Shades of Grey” was already taken.

 

The next one … Pick a Punchline!

 

My roommate claims I am Schizophrenic.

a) We’ll show him.

b) Joke’s on him, I don’t have a roommate!

c) I believe you mean Dissociative Identity Disorder? Unless your roommate is actually just a hallucination, in which case…carry on my mentally ill compatriot

d) I’M NOT CRAZY! The voices in my head would have told me that…

 

 

Again… Pick a Punchline!

How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

a) None, it’s already lit, fam.

b) But you can bet your ass we will be sure to complain about it though!

c) I don’t know, but there better be an outlet somewhere nearby so I can charge my phone. And BTW, do you have a charger I can borrow? I lost mine.

 

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Video – A Trip To The Fort Lauderdale Beach, January 28, 2017

Yep, I had the camera on and the phone in hand.  I remembered to hold the thing the “right” way so you don’t get one of those stupid videos with bars on either side.

A trip to the beach.  Full HD.  Me acting goofy with the radio on in background.  The idiot software on youtube says that there’s a copyright in the music so you’ll have to tell me if it causes a problem.

Anyway, if you’re feeling cold and icky, this was my ride home in the Jeep from the burger joint I went to for lunch that day.  Kind of hard to bark at a trip like this and I had a clean ride North on A1A.

 

Now, that whole bit about practicing Spanish at the beach that you hear me laughing at myself with?  You see, since I am learning the language, I listen to very little English Language radio.  I always did like what we Anglos would generically call “salsa” but there are many more genres than just that.   So I put on the one station on the radio in the car, and in the kitchen, and sometimes on the speaker network in the house.   I also watch a minimum of an hour of Spanish Language TV per day but that varies and can be “the whole afternoon”.

I did enjoy the drive anyway, and it was nice to get out of the house and have a burger with a very good friend.

Here’s the drive back.  If you’re hating the weather where you’re at, feel free to watch this.  Aqua Colored Water, Brilliant White Sand, and a whole beach full of people.

How About Some More One Liners?

I Fell asleep at a house party last night and someone stuck a Teabag in my mouth!

I went totally Mental!

I mean, No one treats me like a mug!

 

A recent study has found out that women who carry a wee bit of extra weight live longer …than the men who mention it.

 

What do you call a bear without teeth?

A gummy bear!

 

When in doubt…

Wife : I doubt my husband has been cheating on me…. I have doubt on one woman we both know…. What to do?

Shrink: Take your husband to that woman’s doorstep and see if his wi-fi connects automatically.

 

The definition of a Freudian Slip is:

It’s when you say one thing you but you mean your mother.

 

Apple has just turned to making Medical Accessories.

Their first product is the Ipatch.

 

I have a girlfriend but …

“But what?”

“She’s in another nation”

“Which one?”

“Imagination”

 

What kind of pants does a scientist wear?

A pair of genes.

 

Yes, I have lost to my computer at chess…

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing!

 

Why do people never eat clocks?

Because it’s really time consuming.