Hands on hips.
“I’m a little teapot, short and stout…”
Point with one hand to the other.
“… here is my handle…”
Now point with the other hand.
“… here is my… oh crap, I’m a sugar bowl!”
I went online and rated our Solar System
Gave it one star.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
If your home is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY.
That’s how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.
A man went to the hospital to see his uncle. He told the nurse that he came to see his uncle that had been ran over by a steam roller. The nurse says, “Oh yeah! He’s in room 21 – 22 and 23.”
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scott go to a bar..
Bartender: What is this? Some kinda joke?
Two drunks are in a bar and one says to the other
Don’t drink anymore – you’re becoming blurry.
A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard.
I said, “No. I’ve never drank any starboard”.
Son, you know when you’re drunk? See those two people over there? When you see four, you’ll know you’re drunk…..
But dad, I only see one.
Who is a worse driver than a taxi driver?
Another taxi driver.
Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?
The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds
My buddy said, “What rhymes with orange?”
I pondered for a while and thought…”No, it doesn’t.”
A String of Bad Light Jokes (read it like Groucho Marx):
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
That wasn’t the brightest day of his life.
The police investigation is still in the dark.
The thief wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb himself!
I told him, light up man!
Someone’s home, but the lights ain’t on.
How many thieves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just steal another lamp.