Thirteen Tries at Humor. Did I Get Any Chuckles? Good, I Win!

I got pulled over by a policeman…
He came to the window and said papers…
I said ‘scissors, I win!’ and drove off!
He must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been chasing me for ages!

 

Restaurant Order

A resident in a hotel breakfast room called the waiter to his table.

“I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so overcooked, it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm.”

“That’s a complicated order, Sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult to prepare.”

The guest replied, “Oh? But that’s what I got yesterday!!”

 

A barber gives a haircut to a florist one day. The florist goes to pay and the barber says “This one is on me, pay it forward.”
The next day, the barber finds a dozen roses on his doorstep.

Pleased, the barber gives a baker a haircut and tells him the same thing, pay it forward.
The next day he finds a dozen doughnuts on his doorstep.

The barber decided to keep it up and when a lawyer comes in for a haircut he tells him no charge, pay it forward.
The next day he finds a dozen lawyers on his doorstep waiting for a haircut.

 

As a kid, I used to stick my tongue out to flirt with girls. My parents disapproved.
As an adult, the girl’s parents disapprove.

 

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.

 

I just cancelled my gym membership
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

 

A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama.
Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.
Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says “Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?”
She smiles and says, “Yale.”
He says, “YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

 

A man does and goes to heaven

He meets god and asks him “What is the meaning of life?”
“Well, if I told you, it’ll ruin the joke”

 

A woman lying on her death bed wanted all to know she was a virgin….

She asked that her headstone would forever read: ‘Born a virgin, lived a virgin and died a virgin’.
When the stonemason was making her headstone, he ran out of space so just carved: ‘Returned unopened’.

 

A Job selection interview

Job Interviewer: So, what makes you qualified? What jobs have you worked in the past?
Me: I have worked for a multi billionaire company that sends fresh foods to the local community.

JI: Really? That sounds extremely rewarding! What company is it?
Me: Dominos.

 

What do you call someone who only likes people with 10 toes?
Lack toes intolerant.

 

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Especially when you aim for his head.

 

Man answers the phone: “Hello sir, this is a short survey. What is your name?
“Adam”

And your wife’s?
“Eve”

Ha! That’s funny..does the snake lives there too?
“Yes one moment. Honey, get your mom please…”

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