My Wife Ruth Left Me. Now I Am Ruthless!

 

Did you hear about the clowns that got a divorce?
They had a long custardy battle.

 

A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
Bartender says, “Where in the world did you get that?”
Frog spoke up, “Would you believe it started out as a wart on my butt!!”

 

Whats wrong with the Bar on the Moon?
It doesn’t have any atmosphere, the prices are astronomical, and the setup was pretty cheesy.

 

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he’s in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

 

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me (ouch)

 

My friend asked my daughter, “How old is your father?”
“As old as me.” she replied.
He laughed and asked, “How can that be?!”
She said, “Well, he didn’t become a father until I was born.”

 

A clown held the door open for me today
I thought it was a nice jester

 

Three tomatoes are walking down the street.
Mama tomato, Papa tomato and Baby tomato.
Baby tomato starts lagging behind and Papa tomato gets really angry.
He walks back to Baby tomato, squishes him and says: “Ketchup!”

 

What does a hot super model have in common with this joke?
You don’t get it.

 

The great thing about democracy…
….is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid

 

True Happiness

An Englishman, an Italian, and a Russian are discussing life. The Englishman says, “True happiness is when you have beautiful summer day and you are having a picnic with a beautiful woman who loves you.”

The Italian says, “No, no. True happiness is when you spend a night of passion with a beautiful woman and it is so good that you realize when you are done the sun is already up and you have made love all night.”

The Russian says, “You are both wrong. True happiness is when you are asleep at 3AM. You hear a knock on the door and a man says, ‘Ivan Ivonovitch. Is secret police! Come out at once!’ and you reply ‘Ivan Ivonovitch lives next door.'”

 

Why didn’t the teacher break wind in front of other people?
Because he was a private tooter

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