A Farmer Meets With The Banker Annually

The Farmer has to meet with the banker, talk about the crops for the year, talk about grain prices, and try to forecast the year’s output to plan out expenses for the year.

When the banker arrives at the farm he notices a very tame and friendly pig, running around as if nothing’s wrong, had a wooden leg. If you didn’t know any better you would think the pig was a dog, would help the old farmer out of his truck, hold the spring gate open for him, just a wonderful pig.

As the farmer explains his planting strategy, watering plans, etc, the banker gets ever more curious about the pig and it’s wooden leg, and decides to asks about the pig.

The farmer explains, “This pig?! Oh, this is a wonderful pig, early this spring, the chickens were awoken by a fox in the middle of the night, and the pig stormed in there and chased off the fox, such a wonderful pig.”

Mid-way through the season, the banker’s curiosity gets the best of him and decides to do a wellness check on the farmer and as he pulled up, noticed the pig had two wooden legs.

The farmer instantly explains about forecasts and how he wouldn’t have any trouble paying his loan in full, but the banker isn’t interested, and asks again about the pig.

“Oh this pig?!”, exclaims the farmer, “such a wonderful pig. Just last week, it saved my life. I fell in the kitchen, and he ran 5 miles to the neighbors to get help, just such a wonderful pig”.

Normally, the bank only meets with the farmer annually, but had to know the story with the pig and two wooden legs, he makes up another story to check in on the farmer after harvest time. Upon arrival, notices the same pig, this time with three wooden legs.

He meets the farmer at the gate with his pet pig, and the farmer is confused why the banker is there. The debts are paid up, but the Banker explains, “Sorry to drop in on you, but before I forget, why does your pet pig have three wooden legs?”

The farmer asks, “If you had such a wonderful pig, would you eat him all at once?”

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What App Do Ghosts Use to Listen to Music? Spookify

The phone rings at FBI headquarters

“Hello?”
“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”
“This will be noted.”
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
“Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yeah they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

 

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?!”
It replied, “It is and don’t call me Shirley!”
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

 

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving…
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

 

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

 

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three.

One to climb the ladder.
One to shake the ladder.
And one to sue the ladder company.

 

A man walks into a bar and ask for the most expensive drink, after doing that he starts shadow boxing.

The barman looks at him confused and serves him his drink
After the man finishes his drink he ask another one and starts shadow boxing again.

The man finishes the drink and asks for another one and starts shadow boxing again,

The barman, curious asks the man “When is the big fight?”

The man says: Whenever you want because i don’t have any money

How to get Tap To Click back on your Debian 9 XFCE Linux install

We are at an early point in Debian 9, and therefore many of the “downstream” distributions in Linux-Land these days.

Debian just made Debian 9, Stretch, the Stable version.  It also came out with an upgrade to 9.1 a couple days ago.

Since my own laptop was a Debian 9.0 install, I had a problem.  The track pad no longer did a “tap to click”.  It was there in the earlier versions, and removed in a Debian 9.0 install.  They migrated to libinst.  It promises to be new and shiny and do many new things but most of these things are in the future – or so my lack of Tap To Click would show.

I don’t use many of the more complex mouse options with my laptop.  It’s a non touch screen, Lenovo Thinkpad T530.  I heavily use Tap to Click so I want it back.  My other laptop, a Lenovo Thinkpad Yoga S1 had the same problem.  After a lot of research, this was shown to be a design decision.  Debian is my go-to operating system distribution due to the absolute depth of software and documentation out there.

So I set about to “fix it”.

DISCLAIMER:  I was able to do so on two computers but with some thrashing around.  I will give here the information that I have, but that thrash may make it less solid than my usual “cook book recipe” guarantee of any technical articles that I write.

Give it a shot.  If it works, let me know if you did anything different and I’ll mention it here.

Background – the documentation for Debian 9, Stretch, is still incomplete.  The files that I created had to be placed in Xsession.d and the directories that Debian gave were either missing or empty for me.  What they have is correct for the earlier versions and the docs need to be proofread.

Or I went crosseyed and got the wrong damn directory…

Since this blog is a place I put documentation for my own uses (Linux as well as recipes and photography), I’ll put it here.  I’d rather not have the heat of an official inquiry on me since I live in Florida and it is quite hot enough as it is.

First:  Create a 50-synaptic.conf – the file should probably not be there on a “clean install”

1) edit /etc/X11/Xsession.d/50-synaptics.conf

2) at the top merge (Copy and Paste) in the following lines:
Section “InputClass”
        Identifier  “touchpad catchall”
        Driver  “synaptics”
        MatchIsTouchpad “on”
MatchDevicePath “/dev/input/event*”
        Option  “TapButton1”  “1”
        Option  “TapButton2”  “2”
        Option  “TapButton3”  “3”
# This option is recommend on all Linux systems using evdev, but cannot be
# enabled by default. See the following link for details:
#       MatchDevicePath “/dev/input/event*”
EndSection
Second, copy that file to /usr/share/X11/xorg.conf.d/50-synaptics.conf
Third open terminal and sign into root to install a package:
apt install xserver-xorg-input-synaptics
Fourth: reboot.
On return, you should have tap to click working.  Entering “synclient TapButton1=1” on a command line should give you information for further research.
You may diagnose what the touchpad is doing by running as root “synclient”.
Entering “synclient TapButton1=1” on a command line should give you information for further research.
Further options such as multitouch, double finger tap for scrolling, and coast speeds and so forth are described in detail in the Debian Wiki Synaptics touch pad page at https://wiki.debian.org/SynapticsTouchpad

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!” Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

 

A science teacher tells his class
A science teacher tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.”
A blonde student responds, “Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”

 

A teacher sent kids home with an assignment to find something that teaches a life lesson.

The next day Mary goes first and says “our chickens laid eight eggs so I thought we’d have 8 chicks, but only 5 hatched”

Teacher asks “what was the lesson?”
Mary says “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”.

Then it’s Bobby’s turn “my uncle was a Marine pilot in Vietnam. He was shot down and as he parachuted down he takes his ‘inventory’. He has a gun with 7 shots, a fifth of whiskey, and a knife. There are 100 men waiting for him on the ground. He drinks the whiskey on the way down and when he lands he kills 7 with the gun and the rest with his knife.”
Horrified the teacher asks “what’s the lesson here!?”

Bobby replies “don’t mess with my uncle when he’s drunk”

 

 

3 old guys were talking about their health problems

Old guy 1: I’m 75 and every morning at 7 i wake up but i just can’t pee. I’m too old and something is restricting it i don’t know.
Old guy 2: Ohh thats nothing, I’m 85 and everytime I wake up at 8 I just can’t poo. I feel so bloated all day.
Old guy 3: I’m 96. I don’t know about you, but at 7 i pee , at 8 i poo and at 9 I wake up

 

Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained.
“I’m looking for the seal.”

 

Border officer: Do you have anything to declare?

Traveller: Only an undying love of travel puns.
Border officer: …You just crossed a line, kid.

 

The housemaid has some bad and good news.

A housemaid calls her boss and says “I’ve got some good and bad news”
“Well give me the bad news first”
“Your dog died”
“My dog died! When did that happen?”
“After the horse kicked it”
“Well why in the world did the horse kick it?”
“Because the stables were on fire”
“The stables were on fire! I just feckin built them!”
“Well the flames managed to spread from the house somehow…”
“The house! The house caught fire? How the hell did that happen?”
“A candle fell off of your dad’s coffin”
“My dad died? When did THAT happen?”
“Soon after your mothers funeral I believe”
“My mother died too? How has such tragedy struck me on my holiday to Spain? Well damn you woman! What’s the good news?”
“Well, the heat from the flames brought the dandelions up high before the spring!”

 

A woman found a little boy crying on the street.
She asked him: “Why are you crying, boy?”
He answered: “A classmate of mine threw my sandwich away!”
“On purpose?” The woman asked.
“No,” he responded, “on the ground!”

 

What Is The Height Of Misunderstanding?
A Man Marrying His Own Secretary Thinking That She Will Still Follow His Orders As Before.

 

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares.

What do you call a fart in a funeral? Rip in peace.

I asked my friend, “if you had to get rid of one body part what would it be?”
He said, “My spine, it holds me back.”
“Or I’d get rid of my legs, because it stood me up.”

 

3 blondes are stuck on a river bank and can’t cross it. They find a bottle in the sand, and as they open it, a genie pops out.

“I will promise you 3 wishes. Pick carefully.” Says the genie.
“I want a boat.” Says the first one. The genie grants her wish, but the river current is too powerful and she drifts away to her death.
“I want a motorboat.” Announces the second blonde. However, it had no fuel. Off she goes to die.
“I want black hair.” Says the third one, and then she crosses the bridge.

 

I’m going to steal a news van.
It’s the perfect crime. How will they ever report it?

 

Why was everyone confused when a crab walked straight into the bar?
Because crabs only walk sideways.

 

How to install a southern home security system

Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men’s work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.
Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
Leave a note on the door that reads:

Bubba,

Me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don’t mess with the pitbulls, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked ’em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back.

-Cooter

 

I absolutely love the earth’s rotation…
it really makes my day.

 

My friend, Boo, died on July 4th.

Sam, affectionately nicknamed “Boo”, died in a motorcycle incident this week. It was July 4th, and there was some drinking involved, hence the crash.

Just goes to show you guys, Boos and motorcycles don’t mix.

 

A hamburger walks into a bar
The bartender stares him down, and says “We don’t serve food here!

 

Why did the octopus cross the reef?
To get to the other tide.

 

What type of currency do people use in space?
Starbucks.

 

After all these years of marriage, my wife is still hot
However now it comes in flashes.

Using a Manifest to Recreate your Linux System Selectively

Last week, I had finally had enough of not being able to hibernate my computer.  There was enough “chaff’ and weird things happening.

I did realize that I could create a list of everything I had, and then get Linux to import that list and reinstall all my programs.

That would be my Manifest.

I did it knowing that I could be reintroducing the problem that I created with the old system.

I was right.  So I did it over, selectively.

And it worked.  Hibernate and video crashes were problems, and after 17 consecutive hibernate cycles over two days of active use, I’d say I am done.

This was a whole lot simpler.  You see, this scary Manifest thing is nothing more than a text file that is generated within “Synaptic” that contains all the markings of the programs that I installed over the 7 years that I had that Linux install.

I went through that file and deleted everything that I did not expressly know what that particular program was, or anything I knew I did not want.

Easy except the file was in chronological order or … well, lets just pretend it was and leave it at that.  Basically it can be sorted in alphabetical program order simply.

One line in Terminal, just like everything in Linux, would solve it.

Assuming the Manifest is called /home/bill/Desktop/Manifest.txt

In Terminal, issue this command string on one line:

cat /home/bill/Desktop/Manifest.txt | sort > /home/bill/Desktop/SortedManifest.txt

Now you’re in alpha order, and it makes it easier.

I did delete anything that started “lib” as well as KDE, gnome, and mate since I strongly prefer XFCE to all of those.  My choice, no big deal

I simply edited the file in Mousepad, and deleted all things I did not want.

If you want the long form description of all of this, Last Week’s Post is at this link.  However the short form is here:

1) on original install create a Manifest within Synaptic Package Manager.

a) open synaptic

b) Select File, Save Markings As

c) navigate to the place you want to store this file, and give it a name.

d) Tick the box “Save full state, not only changes”

e) Click Save.

2) Verify that your manifest is on removeable media.

3)  Remove any unwanted programs from the Manifest

4) save your important files from the operating system on removable media
/etc/samba/smb.conf,

/etc/apt/sources.list,

the Manifest file

5) Install a fresh copy of your Debian Based operating system on the destination computer.

Debian, *Ubuntu, Linux Mint, whatever…

6) Get the destination computer “up to date” and stable.

7) compare and manually update your /etc/apt/sources.list file from the original computer

copy the installed version to a save file

I copied my own from the original computer in its place and updated

then you will need to update the PGP keys for one or more added such as http://www.deb-multimedia.com

8) install the manifest by

a) open synaptic

b) Select File, Read Markings

c) find and open the manifest.txt file

d) click open

e) verify needed markings have been imported into Synaptic, and click Apply.

f) there will be additional libraries incorporated into your install list due to any new dependencies.

8) you’re done.  Verify everything is OK.  Live with it for a while.

You will want to add in programs like libdvdcss to allow DVDs to play, Samba to share files, but these things will need to be done individually.

9) File Sharing.  I used the Debian Wiki entry at https://wiki.debian.org/SambaServerSimple

a) apt install samba samba-client

b) edit /etc/samba/smb.conf  – or put the one in from the old computer assuming you had it working.

c) add your samba users:  smbpasswd -a USERNAME

replace USERNAME with the correct name, and it will ask you for the password

d) restart Samba:

    # /etc/init.d/samba restart
    or, if you are using systemd
    # /usr/sbin/service smbd restart

The Zombie Bunny Of Doom

The Zombie Bunny of Doom!

I walked out into my yard to find my dog tearing up the lawn with a bunny in its mouth. This was a very unusual sight because my dog always chased bunnies but never caught them. I took a closer look and realized in horror that the bunny belonged to my neighbors.

My family had had some “issues” with these people in the past, and I did not want to deal with another confrontation. I knew what I had to do, and it was not going to be pleasant.

I forced my dog to drop the bunny, which by now was covered in doggy slobber, mud, and dried blood. Using a pair of kitchen tongs, I threw it into the shower. I let water run over it until the water was a pure white, and I got my mom’s hair dryer and fluffed it up until this bunny looked good.

Once my neighbors left to get the mail, I saw my opportunity. I hopped their fence and set up the fluffy, dead bunny in its cage looking better than it ever had been. When I heard my neighbors coming, I scrambled back over the fence.

Not two seconds later, I heard a blood curdling scream from the neighbors’ house. Acting like a good neighbor, I rushed to the fence and said, “What happened, what happened?”

The neighbor looks at me, her face ghost-white, and says, “Two weeks ago, the bunny died, and he’s back!!!”