Why did the man steal the wig? He didn’t want toupee!

I can’t believe I got terminated from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

That’s not too bad. My friend and I stole a calender and we each got six months!

You could just have bought a yearly supply at the dollar store

They told me I will get my promotion on the 30th of February.

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one – and let the other one off.

 

A curious child asked his mother…

“Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

 

A duck waddles into a store, asks for some snails.

The woman behind the counter asks, “Wait, ducks don’t carry cash, do they?”
The duck replies, “No, but you can put them on my bill.”

 

Some people really don’t understand what it means. to live simply.
I don’t get it. It’s not that complicated.

 

What Fruit Has The Hardest Time Finding Love? Cantaloupe
But nobody wants to date a lemon
And peaches are the pits .
So when life gives you lemons, don’t marry them

 

Guy 1: I just joined a salon quartet
Guy 2: What’s a salon quartet?
Guy 1: It’s like a barbershop quartet, except we can charge a lot more

 

Two muffins are put in an oven.
The first muffin says, “Man, are you hot or is it just me?”
The second muffin replies, “This isn’t the time for flirting, Dave.”

 

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when…

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!”
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.

A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” she said, “but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations.”
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, “What do you mean, two hundred dollars?”

 

What did the Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac person do all night?
He had laid there wondering if there really was a dog

 

(I know one person in particular who will like this one)
Why do farmers play smooth jazz for their corn?
It’s easy on the ears

 

Two wind turbines are in a field when one turns to the other:
He says: “What’s your favourite type of music” The second one says: “Actually I’m a huge metal fan

 

I’ve written a song about a tortilla.
Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

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