What do you call a grizzly bear without teeth? A gummy bear!

A Lady goes to buy her grandson a fishing rod.

She goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.

Lemon Curd in the Microwave in Under Three Minutes

I never really intended to write a food blog but my curiosity gets the best of me.   I never knew a Kitchen Hack I didn’t like.

On the other hand, if I search for this particular food, I find the Microwave version first.  I guess I’ve just been hiding away from the world too long!

Lemon Curd is an English confection that the closest thing we have in America is the filling for a Lemon Meringue Pie.

But it’s much more creamy and silky than that.

It also takes about 1/2 hour of standing by a stove babying it and making sure it does not boil on a medium to low heat.

This cooks in the microwave in under 3 minutes.

Yes.  It took me 2:45 to get it done.

The hardest part is making absolutely certain that your thermometer is reasonably accurate.  Mine was not, and read 10F high, so the Lemon Curd came out a little loose.

Oh, and I made mine in a recycle-able plastic Cottage Cheese container, then poured it into a jelly sized Mason Jar for storage.

Use within a couple weeks – that’s why I cut down the recipe in 1/2.

This all hit the web a couple weeks back as a Kitchen Hack, I tried it, and yeah, it works.  It turns a fiddly recipe into something anyone can make in under 10 minutes if you’re quick about it.

On a Bagel, English Muffin, or Home Made Crumpet, this stuff can’t be beat especially if you have cream cheese to go with it all.    I use this Lemon Curd for Lemon Tarts as well.  If you have a ready made pie shell, just dump the Lemon Curd in, and top with some whipped cream or perhaps prepare a meringue for it.

Oh and of the Variations I have tried – Key Lime or Grapefruit are my personal favorites.

Ingredients for this are 1/2 of my original recipe but I will repeat them here, adjusted for size.

  • 1 1/2 Lemons, Zested and Juiced (About a quarter cup juice)
  • 3/4 cup (170g) granulated Sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1/2 stick unsalted butter (2 Ounces, 60g)  – Room Temperature and cut into small pieces

Process

  • To a microwave safe bowl, add all your ingredients.
  • Stir the ingredients until smooth or run them through a blender.
  • Place Microwave Safe bowl in microwave and cook on High for 30 seconds.
  • Stir ingredients thoroughly to prevent hot spots.
  • Repeat the microwave and stir cycle until the temperature at least reaches 185F (85C).
  • The Lemon Curd will begin to noticeably thicken when you reach temperature.
  • Again, Do not allow to boil but make sure you hit that magic temperature of 185F/85C.
  • Pour the finished product into jars and refrigerate or run through strainer to capture any lemon zest or egg that might cause lumps.

Picture from wikipedia shows how it will look close up and personal!

Lemon Curd courtesy of wikipedia.com

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

Since we’re on the subject of Kangaroos, here’s a story about an Aussie in London.

 

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job

The manager asked ‘Do you have any sales experience?’
The young man answered ‘Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..’
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, ‘OK, so how many sales did you make today?’

The Aussie said ‘One!’
The manager groaned and continued, ‘Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?’

‘£124,237.64p.’
The manager choked and exclaimed, ‘£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?’

‘Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.’
‘Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.’
‘Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.’

The manager, incredulous, said, ‘You mean to tell me…a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4×4?’

‘No, no, no… he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said… ‘Well, since your weekend’s buggered, you might as well go fishing…’

What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear

… and how did that bear get in the jungle in the first place.

Anyway, I think in the case of this story, you have to classify this as Men Can Be So Dumb…

 

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches…

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years!

So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow,
they’re gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same sandwich, and jumps to his death.
The second one opens his lunchbox, same story, jumps.
And the third one opens his, sees another same sandwich as yesterday, and jumps off to his demise.

At their funeral, the first construction worker’s wife cries, and through her tears says
“He should have told me, I would have made him a different sandwich”.

The second wife totally devastated whimpers
“He never complained about his sandwich, I should have known…”, and continues crying.
And the third one cries “Oh what an idiot I married, he made his own sandwiches”

How to Break Your Dog Using Generic Store-Brand Cereal

I’m on a quest.

You see, every time I go to the market, I buy a different brand of Generic Cereal.   The stuff that looks like if you planted it in the backyard, you would get a bagel growing.  Bagel Seeds.

I mean, Cheerios look like bagel seeds, so you end up getting … well never mind, that simile is stretched to its breaking point.

However you could do worse.  One Gram Of Sugar, It’s Not A Lot.  Per serving that is.  I’m taller than average, so I have one and a half grams in my own Moose Sized Servings.

However, Rack, The McNab SuperDog (TM) knows though that I can be a soft touch.

He follows me around the kitchen and watches.  Since the world is not sized for my own Six-Foot-Four-Inch-One-Hundred-Ninety-Three-Centimeter, 220-Pound-One-Hundred-Kilo frame, I drop things.  Constantly.  Reach into the ice bin in the fridge and I get my five cubes for coffee and drop one.

That hardened into a ritual where he hears the freezer door open, listen for the rattle of my right hand grabbing those cubes, and he gets up and pads into there and waits.

Which is to say I get twin laser beams of brown eyes staring a hole through me.

First mug of coffee ONLY.  I merely say when I hear him get up, “Nope”, and he sits down when I go in for the second mug of coffee.

Being a dog of a lifetime. he currently speaks English well enough that I am learning Spanish to avoid him knowing when I am doing something.  Yeah right, he has figured out that he can also go into the kitchen when I am getting a snack.  Bilingual dog in the making.  What’s next, sign language?

Like those Bagel Seeds.   Generic, of course.

The Generic ones come in various kinds.  The best tasting ones are the ones with mostly oats, and wheat instead of only oats.  The “real” cheerios are Gluten Free and taste like cardboard, only cardboard.  Ok, not quite so bad, they taste like Only Oats which can be fine in making oatmeal with milk and a blob of lemon curd on top and …

But the Generic-with-wheat fake-Cheerios that I like taste sweeter.  No more added sugar, I hope, but I’ll eat them out of hand standing in the middle of the kitchen dropping them on my damn boot as they roll under the refrigerator.

Being a dog, he’s also part vacuum cleaner.  He’ll trot in there and vacuum up the things.

Being me, I upgraded him.  Once.

I took a handful of the bagel seeds and put them in his bowl.   Add milk.  Just a splash.

Now, my dog, is broke.   This dog who has the genetics of being the smartest creature in the pasture has learned that I have the power of milk.

Yes, you guessed it.  He won’t eat them if I don’t put the milk over them and merely gives me That Stare.

“Where’s my milk?!?!?!”

Indeed.  “I didn’t even give myself any milk!”

I ignored him and put the cereal away.  He walked to his hiding corner next to my big green chair and waited.

When I finally sat down he decided it was not going to happen, fifteen minutes later, and had his treat without milk.

I have GOT to stop feeding this dog people food!

It’s bad enough that he knows that the rawhides are stored within reach of my desk.

He’ll do the same thing.  Walk to my left elbow.  Wag his tail for attention.  Stare holes in me, wait for me to ask “What?  Show me!”.  Pad over to the rawhide bag and then lasers.

A beggar of my own creation!

 

Why was the fishing show so successful? They had a great cast

Proper Etiquettes

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?” Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

 

I want to tell you a joke about procrastination. . . tomorrow.

A family is driving in their car on a holiday.

A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.

Frog is grateful, thanks the man for saving his life, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

The man says, “please make my dog win the next dog race.”

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

The man says, “Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area.”

Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog looks at the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”