What does a selfish cow say? Meeeeeeeeee

Actually, that topic reminds me of a neighbor. Having a conversation with her meant you were nodding yes while she told you all about her life and her dog and her trials and tribulations. And here I thought Psychologists got paid $100 an hour, “Mrs. Me”?

Anyway…

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

Our neighbor’s cardiologist is married to an anesthesiologist. She must be a total knock out!

John was unable to choose between 2 girls, so he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I’m devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her…
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can’t miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

 

Two new parents

Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.

The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

 

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford.

He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?”
“Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call.
I need my garden plowed.”

Walking The Dog and Eating Venus

I’ve always tried to live a little “off peak”.

Restaurants are a perfect example.  When I lived in Philadelphia, and worked in Center City, I knew that if I hit a restaurant at 12 Noon Exactly, I’d be there with dozens of other office workers all jockeying for that table and that choice burger and fries.

Rarely a burger, I prefer ethnic foods at any rate.

It even effects when I walk the dog.  Rack, The McNab SuperDog (TM) has a habit of greeting his friends, vigorously.

I don’t mean a simple tail wag, but a full on, jumping shoulder high off the ground, wagging,

whining mess.  Then he sits down, dusting the pavement, and waiting to be told that he can visit.

I can tell who he considers his friends because if he passes you with a mellow attitude, he’s either just seen you or he’s cool on you.

So since I am up before the chickens, we walk before dawn.

I see some amazing sunrises as a result.  The quiet of the morning before you have had your shower, and I’m out walking in large lazy circles around my town is a nice cool time.  Me, Rack, a few joggers, and the parrots in the trees waking up.

The evenings can be just as perfect.  Being smack dab in the middle of the 120 mile long by 15 mile wide suburban sprawl that is South Florida, there are not many things in the skies to watch.

The sun goes down, fading from gold to blue, blue to black, and the few stars come out.

The first thing I do when leaving the house is to look up at the skies.  It’s a method of weather prediction, and a good way to make sure you don’t smell like Wet Dog.  If it is summer, it is hot.  Winter is cool.  It never freezes, and if it was comfortable yesterday, it will be comfortable today in this Tropics Adjacent area.

It’s July.  It is hot.  It will remain so until October.  We hit 99F/39C last week which is the hottest it has ever been that I have seen since moving here.

I once was sitting on the Art Museum Wall in Philadelphia listening to the news station there and heard them report that temperature.  I stood up, and got on my inline skates for another 9 miles shrugging that it’s more comfortable to move at a slow pace than sit down on a hot granite wall

in boxer shorts.

In comparison, England complains when it hits 76F, 24C.  I cool my house DOWN to that and if I skip breakfast, I’m cold by lunch and complaining about it.

So looking at the skies, that night it was perfectly clear.  No clouds at all.  There’s usually one errant cloud somewhere looking like cotton candy but not that night.  Heading out East towards the beach, I looked over my left shoulder and saw what I thought was an airplane heading into Fort Lauderdale Airport.  The landing paths are East West here, and they tend to float just to the North of downtown.

But, it didn’t move.

Mind you, I can spot Mars just about any given night, but this was white.  It stared at me like it was about to be eaten by a crescent moon.

We walked around town with a shrug, and I borrowed a nearby mailbox.  Sitting a camera on it, I grabbed a picture wondering what it was.  That Star being eaten by the Moon turned out to be Venus, setting over South Florida.

So when you take your dog out for a walk around town, look over your shoulder.  You never know if that airplane turns out to be a hungry satellite eating a planet.

 

What do you call a substance which fails to reduce friction? lubrican’t

Some rules to life:

Always prepare when you have work to do, and always have proper protection.

This guy didn’t and you can see what it got him!

A boy walks up to a pirate

A boy walks up to a pirate and curious about his missing leg, arm, and eye, asks about them.
“Why are your arm and leg missing?” the boy asks.

“Well, I was attacked by a gator while burying me treasure. Now I got me a wooden peg and hook for me hand”

“Then what happened to your eye?”
“Stupid seagull pooped in it.”

“A bird pooping in your eye made it fall right out?” The boy asks, surprised.
“No, lad. That was the first day I had my hook!”

What did the gold miner shout to the thief as he ran away…Au you got my gold.

Yeah, it’s an old chestnut, but a great story.

Just remember, the lottery is a tax on people who can not do math!

Dear god, please let me win the lottery

A man is broke and has lost all of his money due to medical bills. His wife is ready to take the kids and leave him. He is about to lose his house and all of his possessions. Out of desperation, he prays to god: “Dear Lord, please let me win the lottery, I’m about to lose my house!!!”. The lottery comes and goes, and the man doesn’t win, and the bank forecloses on his house.

So next week comes along and he prays to god again “Dear Lord, please, I need to win the lottery. I am homeless and if I don’t win, my wife and kids are going to leave me!”. Again, the lottery goes by and he doesn’t win. His wife leaves and takes the kids with her.

Finally, the man, completely filled with despair, says to god “Dear god, this is it. I have lost my house, my family, everything! If I don’t win the lottery this week then I am going to kill myself”.

Suddenly, a huge booming light flashes in the sky and the man hears a loud voice from the sky say “Okay buddy, you gotta help me out here and buy a freaking ticket!”

Making A Pallet into Planter Boxes Freestyle

I guess you could say that this all started with Hurricane Irma.

We made it through fine.  The folks elsewhere had much more to deal with than we did here, because, we had been planning for it since we moved here in 2006.

However, we did learn in the two weeks power was out that we needed to upgrade our generator.

That generator has arrived and came on a pallet.

If you ever got something that came on a pallet, you also know that the pallets tend to stick around for a while.  If you don’t use the wood up, you have to chop it up and find a way to toss it out.

Being the creative type, I also know that the pallets are a great source of wood for projects.  Some are quite elaborate, some simple.

This Project Can Be Completed In An Hour.

Ok, so Caveat – you need tools.  I used a battery powered Sawsall and a battery powered screwdriver.

I did say we were prepared. Those tools were rescued from people who don’t realize that you can both replace the battery pack and you can retro fit the packs with fresh batteries.  So thanks to whoever it was that left them outside with a sign saying “Free to a good home” because yeah, I can fix that.

That pallet pictured is marked off where I cut the thing apart.  With 12 cuts into the wood itself, plus some extra cuts between the slats to remove them from the base, the whole thing was in pieces in about 15 minutes.

Then I took a few pictures to show my handywork.  The thing is that with the right tools, this is trivial.  The Sawsall is like an electrically powered hack saw that is a must have for a homeowner.  I used mine the other day to take down 7 palm trees in the yard, and while there are at least a dozen more that need to go, the tool is great for the job.

I’m still on the “first charge” of the battery pack after downing the trees and cutting up this pallet.

You will notice that I am not giving dimensions to this project, either.  Pallet wood is never very good.  Mine was brittle, and the pieces were there to hold a generator steady, not to be pretty for use in furniture or planter boxes.  The cuts have to be made as a Judgement Call.  You have to figure out for yourself where the cuts go.  You also have to determine for yourself whether you want to use a somewhat dangerous tool to cut through the nails that hold it all together – Standard Internet Warning Applies – Do This At Your Own Risk and Take Precautions to Keep Yourself Safe.

Or get Mommy or Daddy to do it.  I’m not taking responsibility for any damage or injury, you’re an adult, figure out the tool use.

Ok, so I sound like your big brother.  I am someone’s big brother, and my kid sister will tell you that I have my own way of teaching.

Boy did I open myself up there….

So once the rough cuts are done, you need pieces to reassemble these boxes into the end

result.  The pallets are made with a semi-solid deck on one side, and three support beams in the bottom.  Those three support beams are where the cuts happen.  They are also going to be the easiest place to make your cuts since you already have four out of six sides of a box assembled for you.

Take some of the extra wood from the scattered pieces, and nail them in place.  The scattered pieces were in differing levels of usability – some were split before I got to them, others were quite solid and could be screwed into the thing to serve as a base.

I used the electric screwdriver and some “Drywall Screws” and it was done in short order.  Be sure to use enough screws to hold the boxes together.  I used two on each end of the plank, and two in the middle.

From what I can see, the only thing that will take these apart will be time, water, and termites.  They’re sturdy enough to hold my weight, although you may not have that luck depending on wood, weight, and other variables.  In fact, forget I said it.  They don’t have to be tested that thoroughly, don’t go standing on it.

(Standard internet warning applies – blahblahblah don’t hurt yourself blahblahblah)

At any rate, the only other oddball thing I have been considering was to line these with some landscaper’s cloth to hold soil in place while the boxes are hung on my fence in the yard.  That is not strictly necessary since I’m also considering using one or more of these to hold orchids.

You can also paint them if you desire, but I’m leaving them “wood” colored because my fence is rather “wood” colored as well.

But yes, I got these boxes done in under an hour.  Electric tools help.  Using a rip saw and #2 Phillips Screwdriver by hand would make this a rather painful process.   As is my right thumb got a blister from the Sawsall vibrations and I felt it the next day.

Just be careful.  I’d like you to visit again some day without thinking this fool gave me an idea that I did and I broke a nail or something else doing.

 

Hey, tools can be fun, but they can be dangerous.

During an Italian meal… You pasta sauce around the table.

Wholesale supermarket

So, the other day my wife texted me, said we were having salad for dinner, and asked me to grab a head of lettuce on my way home from work.

I said OK and decide to try the new discount supermarket that opened right off the highway.

When I get in, it’s clear that this place specializes in wholesale: there are giant boxes of things everywhere.

I didn’t need more than a head of lettuce though, so I grab one out of a box and head up to the front.

The cashier looks at the lettuce, looks at me, and says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t sell you that.”

“Why not?”

“Well, sir, we only sell the entire box. You can go back and get the entire box and buy that or you need to return the lettuce.”

“That’s ridiculous!” I say, “There must be over a hundred heads in each of those boxes.”

“That’s right, sir. There’s one hundred and forty-four.”

“You mean you have to buy one hundred and forty-four heads of lettuce?? That’s absurd! Who would need that much!” I was so upset at that point that I just left the lettuce with the cashier. I looked her straight in the eye and said, “This is the worst supermarket I’ve ever seen.”

She shakes her head and answers, “You have us all wrong. We’re not a supermarket, we’re a gross-ery store.”