How do you round up 500 old cows? Put up a bingo sign.

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training…

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him.

The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it’s a rifle.

So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, “Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang.”

The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him.

The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, “Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab.”

Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle.

Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach.

Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do.

As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, “Bangidy, bang, bang, bang.”

To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he
aims his stick at another and yells, “Bangidy, bang, bang, bang.”

And that enemy falls over dead!

Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling “Bangidy, bang, bang, bang.”

Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him.

Sam points his stick and yells, “Stabidy, stab, stab, stab.” The
other guy drops and writhes in pain.

All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path.

Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, “Bangidy,
bang, bang, bang.” But the enemy soldier just keeps coming.

Sam tries again, “Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!” Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, “Stabidy, stab, stab, stab.”

But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him.

As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, “Tankidy, tank, tank, tank.”

What do you call a bike trail for crazy people? A cycle path

My base route in Philadelphia for workouts was a 9 mile loop from Falls Bridge to the Art Museum and back. It is an absolutely beautiful place to spend time walking, talking to people, seeing the sites.

I used to chuckle at and cheer on the tourists running up the Art Museum Steps to do the Rocky Run and jump up and down at the top. Yes, they did that every day!

A visit is highly recommended if you are in town and don’t want to do touristy things.

I would get on my skates, do three plus laps of the park, and see all sorts of things there.

One afternoon, I saw a police car sitting on Kelly Drive just south of Falls Bridge talking to some older guys who had just hauled in a Catfish. The fish was at least six feet long. If you told me it was longer I would have believed you.

Kind of a shock as I didn’t realize there was anything actually living in the Schuylkill River around the year 2000.

I definitely miss Fairmount Park. “If I hit the lottery”, I’m buying a summer house just off that park so I can skate there again.

But … At any rate, this was in my mind when I found this story.

Old man fishing truth stretching
Two old men were sitting around the coffee shop one morning sharing fishing tales as they sipped their coffee.

One man man was notorious for stretching the truth on his catches. He always had to top everyone’s stories.

The other old man was telling about him catching a 60lb catfish and how it took him 2 hours fighting it and it suddenly snapped off at the bank only to escape after all the struggle of landing it.
The other old man chimes in and said “yeahhhh well I was fishing the other morning and I felt a heavy bite so I slowly reeled and set the hook set so hard it nearly snapped my rod!”

The first guy rolls his eyes and replies “ oh sure here we go again”.

He resumes his story and said he fought the beast for 4 hours dragging it up from the bottom until he finally saw something surface.
He pulled and pulled and ripped it on the bank of the shore.
He couldn’t believe what it was. He said ”It was a lantern!”.

The other old man didn’t seem that impressed and said “ok so you snagged an old rusty lantern off the bottom? Big deal?”

The old man replies “ yeah but the weirdest thing was it was still lit!”

Got a Dog? You Are Being Watched. Got a Herding Dog? Better Respect The Process.

Every so often, you hear this story.   For me it was the other day on BBC, this is a similar story if you want video.  In fact, the story is so common that if you do a search on “Breast Cancer Dog”, you will find many videos and stories on this subject

The story went that there was a woman who has a dog.  A great dog, a Rescue Dog, friendly, they bonded deeply, and they integrated each other deeply into each other’s lives.

So what she described is what you normally call a Shadow Dog.  They follow you every where.

In my case, Rack is a Shadow Dog, but being a McNab, he does it differently.  He placeshimself strategically so that he can see where I am and what I am doing, no matter who else is in the house.

Get the picture?   Good, here’s where it gets intriguing.

This lady noticed a difference in her dog’s moods.  The dog became less bouncy.  Less energetic.  More reserved.

Of course, dogs have moods just like you or I, and the longer I have my own boy here, the more often I realize that he does things for a reason.

That “reason” is what was causing the mood swings.   She was getting ready to take the dog into the vet to see if there was anything at all wrong with the dog when she noticed something odd.

We’re all used to having our dogs sniff around.  Mine took an interest in a bit of road rash I have on my left arm that took a little too long to heal.  He sniffed that spot every time he came over for a visit during a perimeter search in the house.  So I paid more attention to it, washed it out more often and more thoroughly than usual.  When it healed, he lost interest.

Here is the parallel.  The lady’s dog sniffed her chest more than normal, and realized that the dog was sniffing one specific breast.  Since she was in the UK she was able to get the care she needed, and found out that there was breast cancer developing in that breast.

The dog saved her life, and this is one of many cases where that story works out for the best.

Really, I have said it before many times and I shall say it again “Trust In Dog”.

I have a routine.  It’s very fixed in the way things are done.   I suppose I live an ordered and orderly life, although if you saw my kitchen you would disagree.

Things happen the same way daily because I have figured out that best process and the best order.  You would expect that of someone like me, a Project Manager.   We do that, we plan, we watch processes for the best outcome and tweak them and tune them like a fine piece of machinery.

However, my own ordered life is noticed by Rack down to the last detail.

He knows not to ask for an ice cube after the first one is given in the morning.  We walk, come home, I feed him and then he goes to his bed tucked away in a corner.   I then putter in the kitchen making up a mug of French Press coffee and drop five, not four or six, ice cubes in the press to bring it to a perfect temperature.

Rack knows that when I go into the freezer to come but only when called.  He gets his prize, I get my coffee, and since it is usually well before sunrise, I settle in to sip coffee and work on learning Spanish, getting caught up, and getting started.

At 7:30AM every day, whether it is raining or not, the irrigation system comes on.  It is on a timer and must run to water the orchids and fruit trees in pots.  Regardless of weather since some of these pots require a specific watering schedule, I have to go outside.

By this time, He’s either needing to visit the large palm tree out back or wants to just get out for a break and a romp.  I’m not completely sure which, or both.

When I am ready, I put my keyboard away, and immediately I hear Rack doing his “Downward Dog” yoga stretch, and then a furious trot behind me to the back door.

Every blessed day.

Without fail.

RunRunRunSkid.

“Ok Rack, I am coming.”

Rinsing out that French Press mug, I get to the door.  Rack invites himself outside, first.  I dump the grounds in the garden and go about my Yard Inspection.

It is every day.

Every.

Even during Irma’s aftermath, I maintained that schedule, although since the power was out or running on a generator, I used that time to scoop debris out of the pool or just do gardening.

But Rack was there.  Watching over what I was doing and insisting on being there.

When he has had enough of marking the perimeter outside, He comes back and tries to nudge me back indoors.

It’s that process thing.  One step after another, respect the process.  In order.

Now if he starts sniffing any specific part of your body, pay attention.

What do you need for a movie about broken bones? An awesome cast

Three short and sweet.  It sounds like my coffee with three pink packets plus cream.

 

When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring….

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said ‘Mom’.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How did she know I was up to no good?

 

 

What should I do?

A guy goes running into his doctor’s office.

“Doctor! Doctor! Help me! I can’t control my bladder. I pee all the time, everywhere I go. What should I do?”

“Well, the first thing to do is … get off my rug!”

 
A man goes to see a fortune teller.

She begins “your name is Steve”, “wrong”.
“Your favourite colour is green”, “wrong”.
“You have a dead uncle who passed away 2 years ago”, “wrong”.
“Your wife’s name is Carol”, “wrong”.
“You have 2 children named John and Christian”, “wrong”.
“You are a painte…”, “wrong”.

Getting flustered the woman asks “What in bloody hell do you do then?”
“I investigate fraud”.

What do monkey police do to monkeys who drink and drive? They put them behind monkey bars.

Monkeys?  Everyone likes monkeys, right?  Cute little antics, almost human-like on a good day?

Have more monkeys!

A hat maker was trying to sell his hats on a hot summers day.

After having no luck for 4 hours under the sun, he decided to take a short rest underneath a gigantic tree. He set his briefcase of hats down, took one out to cover his face, and laid down on the grass. With the shade from his hat and the warmth of the ground beneath him, he felt drowsy and quickly fell asleep. When he woke up an hour later, he was startled to find that his briefcase was open, and his hats were missing.

He then heard a curious sound above him. only to notice that the tree was filled with chatty monkeys all wearing his hats! He quickly tried offering them sticks or dropped fruits in exchange for his hats, but the monkeys seemed to only make fun of him. Furious, he threw a stick at one of the monkeys, which resulted in a shower of thrown sticks back at him. Ducking for cover, he backed off to another nearby tree where he thew his hat down in frustration. To his amazement, the monkeys, seemingly copying him, threw their hats down as well! He quickly picked up his hats and ran away.

The hat maker went on to have a very successful business, getting married and having many children and eventually grandchildren. He passed on his knowledge of the trade to his oldest son before retiring, who upheld the family business and eventually passed it on to his oldest son as was tradition.

A few generations passed, and the new owner and grandson of the hat maker was selling hats on a hot day, when he too decided to take a short rest underneath a very similar tree.

One thing lead to another, and he found himself waking up to his hats having been stolen by monkeys! However, he remembered the old story his grandfather had told him about outwitting some monkeys, and threw his hat down. A single monkey climbed down the tree and took the hat before making a rude gesture and scurrying back up. Stumped and enraged, he screamed at the monkey.

The monkey replied: “Hey idiot, you’re not the only one with a grandfather”.

Rum Raisins – How to make them for baking

This isn’t so much of a recipe as it could be called a kitchen hack.

There isn’t a picture this time because it looked like pebbles in some murky brown water, but you’ll get the idea. Really it is that simple. You just have to let things soak and sit for a day.
It’s so easy that it’s one of those things you do while waiting for the kettle to boil.
Rum Raisin
Get a 2 cup or 1/2 liter container – or larger. Feel free to double this recipe with a larger container if needed. You want extra “room” so you can shake the mixture every so often.

Raisins, your choice – 1/2 cup or 4 ounces or 225 ml

Rum, your choice – 1/2 cup or 4 ounces or 225 ml
This will scale up or scale down based on your needs. The trick is to make sure that the raisins are all covered by rum.
When you go to use the rum raisins, strain them with a sieve or mesh. But reserve the extra rum because the now-brown rum tastes awesome straight up or on ice.
… or on ice cream.

To use the raisins in Tapioca Pudding or Oatmeal Raisin cookies, use the strained raisins as you would with any other wet raisins. They will change the taste of your baked goods, and in a normal sized serving of Tapioca, you will get between 1/2 to one ounce of rum.
If you’re a tea totaller or “On Recovery”, substitute water or grape juice.
This also works with any dried fruit within reason. I’m thinking dried Mangoes next time I go to the shops, or perhaps Apricots.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice!

With all due respect…

 

I believe that it is technically a Helium Gas Mine. The helium collects at the top of a pocket or a cave underground. Water seeks its own level, just like helium does.

 

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost deep in the jungle when they encounter a tribe of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops three small seeds into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up all three seeds without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, “Now you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams “Tria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. “What did you say” asked the chief. “Tria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

“Holy shit” said Bob “What did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

“Well” said Frank, “my Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seeds try Tria-Gan.”