What do you get if you cross Titanic with Sixth Sense? Icy dead people!

Wow, that’s a weird one, but since I laughed when I saw it, I may as well share my wierdness.
After all, that is what a Blog is all about.

Sharing is caring!

And since I am letting my freak flag fly, here’s one for you from the front porch.
A young boys logic

An old man is sitting on his porch just enjoying the summer morning air.
As he is sitting in his rocking chair he sees a young boy walking up the sidewalk pulling his little red wagon, in which is a roll of duck tape.
The old man calls out “young man, where are you heading with that duck tape?”
The young boy replays (with a tone suggesting the answer should be obvious) “I’m headed to catch some ducks… Would you like to join me?”
The old man chuckles a bit to himself at the young boys logic and says “No thank you young man, you enjoy yourself.”

With that the little boy continues on his way.

The old man stays in his rocking chair because it’s an exceptionally nice morning and after about an hour, here comes the little boy headed the other way with his wagon.
The old man takes notice to the boy and in the wagon there are several ducks struggling to free themselves from a wad of duck tape.

This image causes the old man to call out… “young man, where did you get them ducks at?”
To which the young boy repays “I just used my duck tape” and continues on his way.

The next morning, the old man is in his rocking chair again, and again here comes the boy.
He is pulling his red wagon only this time there is chicken wire in the back.

The old man calls out “boy, were are you going with that chicken wire?”
To which the boy replies “I’m headed to catch some chickens… want to join me?”
Again the old man declines and the boy continues on his way.

Again, about an hour later, here comes the boy, red wagon filled with chickens struggling in chicken wire.
The old man calls out “how ever did you get those chickens?”
To which the boy repays “with the chicken wire!” And continues walking.

The next morning the old man is on his porch waiting to see if the young boy will pass by again.
Up the sidewalk come the young boy with his wagon and the old man suddenly jumps to his feet…” young man is that pussy willow in the back of your wagon?”
“Yes” replays the boy.
“Let me grab my coat” exclaims the old man!

Advertisements

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the ‘p’ is silent.

Usually, it’s the longer ones that I like the most, but this one… it’s short and sweet.

 

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school.

Fred is all excited: “Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!” “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.

A middle-aged lady opens the door.

Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”

The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that crapped in your trombone is here!”

Taking a Break From Windsurfing on Eight Wheels

I have a couple very hard and fast rules.

Never in the rain.

Never in the damp.

Never if the wind was more than a 20 MPH gust.

Call that last one 30 KPH for the metrically endowed.

I had a routine that I fell into back in the days when inline skating was hot.

Which was to say that everyone, their grandmother, and their dog was on some sort of wheeled contrivance at the time.  Yes, the wonderful time that was the 1990s.

While many of us found ourselves on inline skates, others looked upon it and laughed.

I used it as a sport.  Big time for me.  Most of my dry and calm weekends were spent with my cruising skates on.  I’d be wearing a groove in the trails in and around the fabled city of Philadelphia and all the way out to west of Valley Forge.

I say groove because it was about 30 miles per workout.  Lord, Europeans, I can’t Math… 1.6 Times 30, er… I make that 48 K’s give or take a meter.

Peak was 54 miles in a single morning, 200 miles in a week.

But Geography is your friend sometimes.

The trail, Schuylkill River Rails to Trails trail, or similar was built on an old railroad line.  That means that the road was flat with a one degree rise or less for the most part and along the river.  Oriented on a Northwest to Southeast direction it also was in a valley.  That focused the wind down along the river.  It was always windier in the valley than it was just outside of it and if the wind was right, you could skate out fighting the winds and use that same wind home to Windsurf back.

I did that often.  I fell into the habit of bringing along two liters of water, about 400 calories of snacks, and looking forward to that mid workout rest in Oaks, PA right over the Perkiomen Creek.  It was a hangout there and you’d meet up with us regulars.  Bikers would continue out to the Reading (PA) trail, or stop with us and chat for a while.

This was where I had met up on the way back with a Deer that stopped me dead in the

middle of the trail.  Just West of Valley Forge in a beautiful forested area before you hit the big power lines, it spotted me, I spotted him.  He was just off the trail, moved to the middle of it, and approached.

Yes, a Deer.   Came to visit me.  Looking in those big brown eyes, I said hello, and asked “what would you like to do?  Feel like a bit of a run?”.

It did.  With that wind at my back, a clean trail, I started off.   The buck joined me and we trotted along for about a solid mile, er, K and a half or so, toward the water stop at Valley Forge.  He veered off and watched me go on my way.

The rest of that ride was very gently downhill and very gently breezy.  I windsurfed back to the parking lot just within the city of Philadelphia where the trail turned to gravel towards Manayunk and Center City.

Freaky huh?

While it has to be one of those “things were just right” occasions in Pennsylvania for me to be able to windsurf, especially with a torso tall tawny buck trotting along for the ride, here in South Florida it is much more commonplace.

The trail at the Pompano Airpark is laid out in a slightly more than a mile per side square.  We predictably get a wind off the ocean here.  East To West.  That means that you windsurf one side of that square, are cooled on two sides, and get to battle the winds on the fourth.

I’ve been known to peak out at about a 20MPH (30Ks) on my skates, especially with the winds at my back.  It’s a broad back, I have to have a broad chair, and my favorite Poang Chair is as wide as I am at the shoulders.

Got the picture?

The trail is best done heading West on the southern side of that square to give you a boost from the breezes on the first leg to give you a good Warm Up Mile.  This particular day, winds just below my own speed limit, I managed to stand bolt upright instead of the more normal racing skate crouch to avoid the wind.

I captured that wind and flew down the trail.   Really all I had to do was get going and it was a free ride toward that western edge and the 90 degree turn that I had to brake to get around.

Falling on skates is not fun, I’ve done it too many times.

Luckily the wind was just a bit more North of West that day, and I got a boost out heading northbound on that second leg.

Sitting on the bench I had just enough of a runner’s high to smile at what I had just done.  It was a second hop actually, this was my second time around the square, and come April, that second mile on the park would be closed for repaving.

Looking back, south, at the scene it was what I consider heaven.

You see anywhere I would travel to since I started skating in 1992, I would plan to take the inline skates with me.  Most of these trails are about a car lane wide, split down the middle.  Nondescript grey asphalt, and a great place to get a runner’s high.

Hence the smile.

Not a bad place to sit in the sun and enjoy a half liter of water before getting up to finish the last lap.

Getting my heart rate down from cruising at 173 BPM, to about 140, I stood up and thought I could refill the water at the three and a half mile water stop before heading home.

A good day on skates is better than just about anything else I can think of.   No wonder why people are coming back into the sport.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

It’s amusing to look at my stats on this blog. It’s never going to light the world on fire, but I will say that these dumps of jokes on the weekends tend to get read heavily after the first day.

I started putting these up on weekends when I was still writing every single day.  I’ve kept the practice up, and I have people sending me jokes and one liners.  If it makes me smile or laugh, I save them and put them here.
Wednesdays, I do some original writing but between you and me, I do feel somewhat tapped out.
However, for today, I’m going to do some one liners. The file I keep here on my desktop is getting a bit full of them.
I heard the Dalai Lama has a gambling problem – he just loves Tibet.

Dreaming in color is just a pigment of your imagination.

French People are so hardcore. They eat pain for breakfast.

I couldn’t afford new glasses so I bought a monocle – now I’ve got 1920 vision.

Back when I worked in mortuary sales I got the top burner award.

Two priests argued over who would serve communion. It was quite an altarcation.

The farmer brought a bucket of milk to church so it could be pastorized.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop?

I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack. I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

The two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it was too late to cancel my order. That sail has shipped.

Just saw an excellent play about fishing…. it had a good cast.

I tried calling the tinnitus helpline. There was no answer. It just kept ringing.

What do you call an intelligent idiot? An oxymoron

A redneck twofer? Yeah that’s what I have for you here!
A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, “What you gonna do with that? There ain’t no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”
He says, “I won it and I’m a gonna keep it.”
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is?
She says, “He’s out there in his bass boat”, pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.

He yells out to him, “What are you doin?”
His brother replies, “I’m fishin’. What does it look like I’m a doin’?”

His brother yells, “It’s people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin’ everybody think we’re stupid.
If I could swim, I’d come out there and whip your ass!”

 
Rednecks in NYC

A redneck and his son visit New York City for the first time. They walk into a hotel and see an elevator.

“What’s that thing, pa?” the redneck kid asks.

“I got no idea junior” the redneck dad says.

Just then, the doors open and an elderly woman steps in. The doors close. A few second later the doors open again and a beautiful young blonde steps out.

“Damn,” the redneck dad says. “I still got no idea what that thing is but you shove your ma in there right now!”

The Yogurt Recipe That Brings My Dog To The Kitchen

First, the recipe.

Materials:

Seed Yogurt: Go to the store, buy yourself a small container of plain unsweetened and unflavored yogurt that you enjoy.  There are multiple types, each culture has a different flavor.  But make certain that it says “Active Cultures” or what ever your nation says for active or live bacteria in this yogurt.   I personally use a “Greek Yogurt” and what I make with it tastes just about like what came out of the Seed Yogurt Cup.

Even better, if you have a neighbor that has a yogurt that they have been making out of their own cultures, get a couple tablespoons of that.  It’s bound to be better than anything commercial.

Jar for your yogurt:  Get an appropriate jar with a sealable lid.  Approximately a quart/liter in size.  Sterilize the jar – wash and make sure it is as clean as you can get.  You don’t want this stuff to spoil.  I use a Mason Jar with a wide mouth and a large plastic lid.  This jar must fit in your microwave.

Milk.  I use 2%.  Whole will taste better but will give more calories.  Skim Milk will taste “milder”.  The Calorie Count will be the same as that of the milk that goes into it.  It’s up to you.

Process:

Add milk to your jar until it is about 3/4 filled.  750mL or 3 cups.  Or so – it does not have to be exact.  My Mason Jars have vertical lines on the side that I fill to the top of, below the narrowing for the neck.   You just want it to have some room for bubbles to form if it goes to boil in the microwave.

Heat the milk slowly to at least 180F/82C.  This can be done in a sauce pan if you do not have a microwave.  I heat the milk in the Mason Jar, in the microwave at High or Full Power for 4 minutes, then give it 30 second bursts until it begins to bubble.  This will kill off anything that will make things spoil.

Pour the milk into the Mason Jar.

Move the Mason Jar to a warm spot in the kitchen, on the counter where it won’t be disturbed..

Allow the milk to cool for about two hours in the Mason Jar.

When the milk is below 105F/40C, add two tablespoons of the plain yogurt that you got for this purpose.

This is your Seed Yogurt.

Finish the rest of the seed yogurt, I suggest with either honey or a good jam.  This is your treat for the job.

Stir the seed yogurt vigorously into the milk.

Cover the Mason Jar with your lid, and allow it to sit at least one day.

Check the Mason Jar periodically.  It will be done when the yogurt begins to gel when you tip the container to the side.

Refrigerate and use within about a week.

Remember – since you already made the stuff here, you can take a spoon or three of your current batch and use for seed yogurt for the next batch.  The taste will change over time, certain bacterias will express themselves stronger or weaker within the food.  If you don’t like that, go get more seed yogurt at the stores.

So… about my dog?

Rack, the McNab SuperDog sits on his mat in the corner next to my recliner.  It’s off in the distance so he can’t see what is going on in the kitchen from that spot.

There’s just enough noise in the house that I personally would not be paying that close attention to what goes on in the kitchen, but I would be wrong to ignore that completely.  Ceiling fans and clocks are all making a constant racket.

In fact, just putting on noise canceling headphones is a nice change of pace from hearing all that din.

Rack does not need that.

There are certain noises that get him up from the corner and to the kitchen.  If I grab ice cubes, he comes in asking for one.  Luckily he is not brave enough to take liberty to press on the ice dispenser on the refrigerator.

He will get one when I make my first mug of coffee, but only the first one.  The second one he stays put and ignores whatever else is going on.

Or so you think.

Certain kitchen noises may make him pay attention like crumpling a chip bag or rattling the doors on things in there but this is one thing that sends him running to the kitchen.

I store the Mason Jar with the plastic top and the wide mouth on the “Breakfast Shelf” in the fridge.  I’m tall, 193CM/6’4″ and it’s at chest height.

Nudging the jelly, yeast, and cottage cheese aside, I grab that yogurt jar.  If he’s in the room, he expects some.

But I tend to play tricks on my dog as it keeps his mind going.

Waiting for him to be in the corner, out of site, I get the Yogurt Jar out of the fridge.  Since I move things in and out frequently, he hasn’t figured out that specific jar’s noise.

Quietly stepping out, I see he’s not watching and blissfully sleeping.

Turn the lid just a quarter turn and he leaps off his bed and runs to the kitchen sliding into my right leg with a skid.

Mind you he’s not a Labrador Retriever but this is the closest to the Lab Feeding Frenzy that I get with my own McNab Dog.

He then gets his 1/2 cup of yogurt in his bowl.

It’s gone so far that I can’t use the word Yogurt in the house without having 46 pounds of black dog with white tips and highlights glued to my leg.

So yes, if you want the Yogurt for your recipes that will make the dogs come running, this is how you make the stuff.  The only time I buy yogurt is for seed if the original spoils.

What do you call a hen looking at lettuce? Chicken sees her salad!

Today, we’re having a chicken dinner. Every part of that bird will be used. Once the meal is done, chicken noodle soup will be made, so basically we’ll have food for at least two weeks.

By the end of this, I’m going to be quite tired of chicken soup.

 

 

Paul Revere’s Chicken

Paul Revere has a chicken named Gallo. When the American Revolution was well underway, he spent several nights training the chicken secretly in his barn. When he finally felt Gallo was ready, he brought it with him to the Sons of Liberty. At first, they laughed.

“Well, now, laugh if you want, but this here is a highly trained chicken, and Gallo here will help us win the war!”

They laughed some more. One of the men spoke up, “What kind of name is Gallo, anyways?”

“Italian” said Paul Revere. A man from Italy traded it for some silver work I did for him.” He set the chicken down. “But as I said, this bird here is *highly trained!”

Another man spoke up. “Trained for what? To lay an egg in the king?” Again more laughter.

“No!” Revere was growing impatient. “Gallo here is trained to sniff out British sympathizers!”

“Lies!” Several men called out.

“It’s true, I tell you! Just wait until you see my Italian Chicken catch a Tory!”