Why do the shoes always lose?! Because of defeat!

Sunday Morning. Banging my head against Spanish tests on line. It gets frustrating if the “construct” isn’t explained easily enough that you can grasp it.

You know. It’s not Why Can’t Johnny Learn, but more like Why Can’t The Teachers Make Themselves Understood.

So that may be a bit harsh, but I needed a break. Screaming at the computer does not help…

But laughing at it does.

 

 
A priest, pastor, and clergyman are sitting in a boat, fishing.

Around 7p.m. , it starts to get dark and the three have to get to shore.
Unfortunately , they hit a rock while rowing back and the boat springs a leak.
The 3 begin sinking.

The clergyman and priest begin freaking out, but then the pastor says, “guys, relax! We have faith in Jesus, remember?
If we pray to Jesus with true faith that Jesus will protect us, we can walk on water!”

The pastor prays, and then gets out of the boat.
The priest and clergyman watch in awe as he walks across the water and safely reaches the shore.

The priest says, “If God protected him, He will protect me, too!”.
He prays, and proceeds to exit the boat and walk safely across the water to join the pastor on the shore.

The clergyman says, “Well, if they can do it, I can do it too!”.
So he prays, and gets out of the boat, only to begin sinking.

As the priest and pastor watch the clergyman’s head become surrounded by water, they look at each other and the pastor asks a single question.

“Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?”

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A family member told me that my sausage puns are dreadful but I’ve told wurst.

See here’s the thing. That phrase You Are What You Eat is becoming more and more proven as we go on. Food here in the US is generally free of strange accidental things like bugs and dirt, but unfortunately is chock full of sugar and artificial chemicals.

So either make your own from safe ingredients, or suffer the consequences.

Just like this person here.

 

 

My friend has intestinal problems.

However, he’s found that eating certain kinds of food helps. Normally, he keeps them all to himself, but the other day he got really sick and had nothing to eat, so I offered to pick him up some groceries.

“Sure thing… Could you get some apples, beans, and alphabet soup?”

Now, apples and beans I’d heard help with his particular set of problems, but the soup was news to me. I didn’t comment on it at time, though, since I figured he probably just wanted something quick to eat that wouldn’t hurt his intestines.

So I go to the store, pick up these groceries, and drive them straight to his house. I go in to set them down, and he immediately asks for some of the soup. I figure the poor guy must be starving, so I go ahead and heat some up and bring it to him.

Soon as I do, be chugs it down and immediately runs off to the bathroom. When he comes back, he tells me he’s feeling much better.

“Great news, but how did that work?”

“Ah, turns out I just needed a good vowel movement.”

The Square Pot, Or How Eric’s Planter is Becoming A Herb Farm

A while back, a local friend, Eric, gave me a bunch of planters.

He was moving from his apartment only a few blocks away to another one a little further out.  That old place had a patio area where he could have his planters, and raised an interesting collection of flowers and milkweed.

I also got most of his milkweed and it’s out in my backyard under various cover so that some gets eaten to sticks by hungry Monarch Butterflies, but not all of it.

He did have this one nicer planter.  It is a square on top, almost a cube.  He wanted it back once he landed and since I have the room, I was going to hang onto it for him when he came calling for it.

I did wait a while, but he never asked for it back after settling in.

Typical to my own quirky behavior, if I have a spare planter, it will get used.

I moved it out to my front porch and clipped a few cuttings off my Ruellia.  I have rather a lot of Ruellia, and it does spread somewhat, so there’s a small background noise of me cutting plants and debating Throw Or Cut.

This was one of those days.  Smiling I said “Lets make a planter for Eric”.

Ruellia Cuttings will mope and look dead or dying for a month but almost always snap back alive with generous watering.  Just snip the cutting below a knuckle where the leaves come out and you’re golden.  The Ruellia was only planted on one half of the planter and I was going to put something else in there.

Basil.  I have a lot of the stuff, and as a result I also have a lot of seeds.  Two weeks later the Basil has started to sprout.

Mind you, I wandered out there looking over the pot a morning later and was having breakfast.  Some Canteloupe with seeds fell out of the bowl and landed in a corner.  Weirdly, the Canteloupe sprouted.

I really have no idea if I will manage to get anything out of the Canteloupe but this weird little garden will be in that spot for a while.   If the vines do grow up and out of the pot, I can let them grow into my garden in front of it.

This all comes from the theory of when something nice happens, even for a small while, do something nice in return.

The other day I contacted Eric and told him this story and he generously told me to keep it as he doesn’t have space.

It’s taken root here I guess, purple flowers blooming every single day and the Basil that was meant to go into someone else’s tomato sauce will go into mine.

Who doesn’t like Fresh Basil!?

So Thanks, Eric, I’m out to put more cuttings in that pot.

I got a new dry erase board at work. It’s remarkable!

You really do have to be careful when you speak.

While I try, I have managed to confuse myself in two languages.

This is one of those stories.

 

Two students are late for school, so their teacher sends them to the principal’s office.

The first boy enters and sits down. The principal asks him why he was late, to which the boy responds, “I was throwing sticks in the lake.” The principal, new at the school, thinks to himself, “Boy, this school sure is strict – that’s not really worth an offense worth going to the principal’s office over. Heck, I loved doing things like that when I was a kid!” Pretending to be dead serious so that the boy might shape up a little, he slowly says, “Well, knock it off and get to class on time from now on. You won’t get off as easy if I see you back in here after this.” The boy furiously nods his head and practically sprints out of the office.

As soon as the door closes, the other boy comes in after him and sits down in front of the principal’s desk. The principal asks him why he’s late, and he gives the exact same response – he was throwing sticks in the lake. A bit annoyed now, but understanding that the boys were just enjoying themselves together, and reminiscing on his own youth, the principal tells him, “I’ll let you off the hook this time, but go to class and come to school on time. You’re here to learn – don’t squander your opportunities by goofing off.” The student, now red in the face, gives a faint “Yes” and leaves the office. Satisfied, the principal smiles, leans back in his chair, and thinks to himself, “These kids aren’t so bad. I think I’ll like it here.”

No sooner than the instant he finishes that thought, the door swings open for a third time, and a boy who looks to be about as old as the other two slowly walks into the office, soaking wet, completely disheveled and tracking mud everywhere he steps. He gets to the chair the other students sat at before him, angrily grumbles to himself, and sits down in a huff, furiously staring at the tiled floor. The principal, a bit fed up at this point, but still not wanting to be overly harsh, jokingly says, “Let me guess: throwing sticks in the lake with your friends, and you bit off a little more than you could chew?”

The boy, seething, snaps, “No – I’m Sticks.”

A toothpick saw a hedgehog. “Oh wow, a bus.” It says.

See, when you need help, sometimes you just get someone to show up just at the nick of time.
So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home.
We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.

So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose.

The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.

By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door.
He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.

I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate.
He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle.
He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand.
He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it.
Saved my life at least.
Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.

So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this. I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over.

Only Nate doesn’t wait for us.

He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.

And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.

Meet Mothra, My Mystery Moth

I keep telling those folks Up North that Florida has weird wildlife.

Ball Pythons and other snakes in the Everglades.

Iguanas grazing in my backyard.

Those damn Muscovy Ducks all over the place.

This is much more benign.

I’ve grown accustomed to seeing large flocks of birds around town.  Green parrots shrieking at Dawn and Sunset call to flock.  Flocks of white Snowy Egrets hunting for grubs in the yards around here and sometimes standing on the roof of a car from time to time.

So when I see large things flapping around my front yard, I tend to only give them passing notice.

It rained for a couple days straight this week.  The first sunny day we have Zebra Mosquitoes that can carry you off.  The second one it’s the dance of the Dragonflies that dine on those evil creatures.  All the while it’s Zebra and Swallowtail Butterflies and my Monarch Butterflies dining on the flowers.

This was a bit of a shock.

Moths in my mind are wee little coin sized creatures.   They silently fly around eating things that they can get at but are never too numerous.  It isn’t a case of running for the hills, it’s more like, “Oh. There’s a Moth.”

I thought there was yet-another bird confused and fluttering on the front porch.

Nope.  I finally looked up from my Big Green Chair where I was practicing my Spanish and taking tests and I saw this total Unit of a Moth.

I mean huge.

As in the size of your hand.  Flip your hand over and look at the palm.  Then have your fingers touch each other at the outstretched flat tips.

Six inches, 15 CM of absolute moth.

I have never seen a beast like this.

I allowed its privacy while it could probably see me.

Buenos tardes, senor, como estas?

Good afternoon Mr Moth.

Or Mrs, I don’t know how to tell.

I did get curious, so next trip off my perch, I walked out front with the camera and did the tourist thing.

It visited me for a day and a half and one moment it was gone.  Flapped its bird sized wings and flew off into the Florida Sunset.

Sipping my Iced Tea.  “Weird freaky wildlife we’ve got here.  Most of it is introduced.  That’s a story for another day.”

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own ? Because it’s two tired.

After a burglary a store owner calls the police. After they arrive one officer takes the owner aside to ask about what happened:

“How tall was the perp'”, the officer asked. “He was about six foot”, the owner replied.

“Did he have any distinguishing characteristics?” “Well, he did have a large mole on his cheek.”

“Interesting. What was he wearing?” “He was wearing a suit.”

“A suit, you say? What was his demeanor like?”, the officer continued. “I can’t really say.”

Suddenly the officer got out his ticket book. “I hate to do this, but I’m going to have to write you a ticket.”

“Why?” The store owner looked at him in shock.

“Well, it’s the missed demeanor of course.”

 

And two Boomerang one liners since I don’t know what to do with them!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
One day I forgot how to throw a boomerang but then it hit me!