Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster? Because they’re a little shellfish.

Once Upon a Time I worked in a small insurance company in Jenkintown PA. My direct boss told me this joke, which was really quite odd. He was an older, probably old before his time, humorless man who was extremely religious and extremely uptight.

Aren’t they all?

So, there I was standing in an over-lit computer room hearing this man tell me this joke over the fans and the printers.

I guess he wasn’t really all that uptight.

 

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” and I felt really special.

Then, she asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” and I replied ”Okay!”

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling,, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked!!!

 
Only because this fits well with the next one it’s Two-Fer Time!

 
Husband stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced

“From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want!

Afterwards you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied,”The funeral director would be my first guess”

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