Have you heard of the movie constipation? Oh wait it never came out!

Wandering around town, it seems that one of the things I find all the time are pennies. Nobody seems to want them. You find little cairns of these slugs sitting on parking meters, under meters, in the parking lots, and other spots.
I’m starting to see pictures of people using them as washers because they’re cheaper to use than getting into the car and driving to the hardware store and actually buying a box of the right sized washers for your construction project.
Inflation caused that. It used to be that Penny Candy would cost a penny and you’d get two or three bits for that copper cent. Then they changed the chemical makeup of the coins so they went from a brass that rang when you dropped it to these Copper Coated Zinc slugs that make a sour thunk on the table when you empty your pockets after a walk around town.

 

Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran’s home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a hand with a shiny penny in it. He asked if I could see a snake. I said no. He said it was a Copperhead.

He added another penny and asked if I could see a fruit. I could not, and he said it was a Pear.

He added a third penny and asked if I could see a car. I stare at the three pennies to no avail. I could not. He said it was a Lincoln. (D’oh!)

He adds a fourth penny and asks if I can see a naked lady. Now I’m trying to work it out in my head, trying to figure any puns or word play looking at the four pennies. After a moment, I admit my defeat and tell hem I could not see a naked lady.

He grins and tells me, “and for four pennies, you’re not going to.”

If I had a dollar for every joke i told wrong… To get the other side.

South Florida is an interesting place. It’s a place that teaches you to dig deeper than the surface. It definitely changes as you live here longer and really learn about things here.

I guess that can be anywhere that you move to, away from where you grew up. After all, my little pond near the house in Cherry Hill NJ had a car tire sized Snapping Turtle pulled out of it by my neighbor Johnny and I caught snakes bare handed in Mrs Alderfer’s Shrub once.

If you do dig, for example here in my back yard, you will hit ground water at around ten feet.

I may be the highest property on my block.

Yes, we all do know our elevation down here.

When you’re a tourist driving around town, too slowly in the fast lane and too fast in the slow lane, you will see a lot of really beautiful lakes and rivers. The Canals that drained The Swamps look inviting, but we see a lot of things in those canals that don’t really belong.

Like Tourists and their cars from taking that curve just a wee bit too fast.

It’s a bit like Hippy Star Trek. Paradise, yes, but it has some very dangerous aspects to it.

Swimming pools are better. It is a rare day we don’t have a Rip Tide warning on the beach, but my 32 Foot by 16 Foot pool never has one.

Stay out of the lakes and canals unless you can go very fast.

It’s not important that you are faster than the Piranhas, just that you are faster than the next guy.

This next little joke explains it pretty well.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,

“There wouldn’t by chance be any alligators in these waters?!”“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!”

Feeling relieved, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway toward shore he asked the old man, “Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, anyway?”

“We didn’t do anything,” the old man said. “The sharks got ’em.”

Morning Dew on Betty’s Vinca

I’m constantly clearing out my garden.

Down here if you are eating anything with seeds and some of it falls on the ground, you will have plants.

I need to remember that with some tomatoes and melons, preferably in the back on the drip feed irrigation chains.

There are a lot of pots on those chains, and they’re all watered in a measured way.  The orchids don’t hold water in their pots so they drip down into pots that are strategically placed.  I have two layers of plant pots in most places, sometimes three.  It all depends on what is back there.

The thing is that I have some plants that are just growing everywhere and getting leggy.

They would be Betty’s Vinca.

Betty was my Aunt.  She was a powerful woman, but in the best of all possible ways.  A person you wanted on your side.  She gave of her self readily, and was well loved by her family.

She had two places, one on Long Island, and the other North of me in Century Village.  Yes, it’s a bit of a stereotype, but sometimes stereotypes are there for a reason.

In front of her condo she had some flowers that she was quite proud of.   Proud as she was, she liked to share.  She insisted that I have some cuttings on my last visit with her and they made it to my yard.

The point with Vinca is that they are somewhat invasive.  Constantly blooming plants, they tend to spread if you don’t watch them.  I like them because it gives me a smile to think of Betty and how proud she was of her little garden and those flowers in them.

On the other hand, all of mine got very leggy so they needed to be cut back and replanted.

In a bit I’ll have pot after pot of these plants all over my back yard.  All blooming in the

morning dew, they’ll be there.  Spreading.

But if you are lucky, and the conditions are just right, these simple blooms are just beautiful.  In the golden hour, misted by the dew or my irrigation misters, they will do their best to shine.

I hope so, since they’ve now spread into my neighbor’s garden from the back of the yard to the front.

If he likes it, I have some mint that I need to repot.  We all know how that stuff spreads.

I’m bad at 2 things: Baking and making puns but I’ll try my best to make you loaf.

Lately there have been a couple quickies, shorter jokes that are too short to stand on their own, but too long for the topic, I’ve put them here.

 

(Since I am working on my Spanish right now…)

Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He walked onto the stage, addressed the audience, and told them that he could disappear.
Though the audience doubted him, he started counting; Uno…Dos…And he disappeared without a tres!

 

What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seat belts.

 
“Private Foley!!”
– “Sir yes Sir!”
“I didn’t see you at the camouflage exercise, Private!”
– “Thank you Sir!”

 

A raincoat was having an argument with a poncho about which was the more useful piece of clothing.
The raincoat made the point that he kept the user dry, while the poncho spoke of his warmth and comfort.

The raincoat then suggested a contest to prove which piece of clothing was superior.
“I’m afraid I would have to ask permission to participate in such a contest,” said the poncho.

“Permission?” the raincoat scoffed, “Who do you need permission from?”
The poncho replied, “Well, I’ll have to speak to the Head Poncho, of course.”

 
Once upon a time 2 kids were playing hide and seek

Their names were Shut Up, and Trouble. It was Trouble’s turn to seek, so Shut Up went and ran into his neighbor’s yard. His neighbor went onto his front lawn, upon seeing Shut Up he asked “what’s your name, and why are you on my property?” to which Shut Up calmly replied, “Shut Up”

Neighbor: what did you say to me?
Shut Up: I said Shut Up

Neighbor: Son tell me your name right now! or I will go get your parents!
Shut Up: *slowly* S H U T U P

Neighbor: ALLRIGHT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR TROUBLE BOY?
Shut Up: No Trouble’s looking for me.

I don’t have a “dad bod.”… I have a father figure.

While I don’t live in a city where the parking is outrageous, they do tend to nickle and dime you in South Florida.

If you want to go anywhere these days, including some shopping malls, there are meters waiting for you.

I fail to see this as an improvement on life and avoid meters where possible.

On the other hand, having lived in big cities before, I do enjoy this woman’s creativity in this story.

 

 

A young aristocratic woman pulls up to a large New York bank in her Rolls Royce.

She parks in front of the bank and goes inside where she is greeted by a banker.

“Hi, Sir. I would like to take out a loan using my Rolls Royce as collateral” the woman says to the banker.

“Yes ma’am. How much money will you need to borrow?” he asks.

“$500.00 please” says the woman.

“Ma’am, that car is easily worth $200,000! Are you certain you only want $500?”.

She reassures him that is all she needs and she will be back in 30 days to pay the loan balance plus interest in full.

The banker can’t believe it, but he writes up the paperwork, has her sign and gives the woman her money. He then orders security to move the car down to the vault where it can be safely stored as collateral. He laughs with his co-worker about how much of a idiot this woman is!

30 days later the woman returns to the bank with $534.00, the amount of the loan plus one month interest, just as she promised.

As the banker is waiting on the car to be brought up, he can’t help but ask the woman why she used her $200,000 car on a $500 loan.

She replied “I didn’t need the $500 but I was leaving the country for a month and needed a secure place to store my car. $34 is WAY cheaper than anywhere else in New York.”

Belling The Cat or How A Jingle Bell Helps A Mobility Scooter be More Mobile

I came to the conclusion that I had to bell the cat.   Santa needed to be invited to town in September.

We all have our moments, but this maxim that I have was illustrated to me perfectly clearly, when I took a friend to a supermarket.

You see that friend broke his foot.  He’s recovering from an emergency freak accident where the bone broke for no apparent reason.

Since he was in London, he got much better care than he would have gotten here in the US where even the doctors were amazed at the quality of care of the NHS.

I am thinking that had it happened in Philly, NYC, or LA he may have had a chance of a similar level of care, but at this point we’d be talking about selling his house to pay for it.

Thanks to the NHS (National Health Service) in the UK, he came home with a pair of shiny crutches, a cast on his leg, and a really fascinating collection of screws and stays to stabilize his bones.

We don’t know why nor will we ever know why it happened.

One thing he did not get was a scooter.  NHS does not supply them nor did his US Insurance since Insurance is not here to serve you so much as to try to keep as much of your money as possible while giving you the absolute minimum of care.

 

However, he did not have to pay a dime on the NHS.  At. All.

I just may move to Vermont or Southern California when I truly retire so I can have a walk across the border for my future meds in Canada or Mexico, but that’s a different story.

We have all seen these contraptions where you kneel on it and glide along to where you are going.

I’m afraid of that damn thing, he’s faster than I am while walking.

But he is also just this side of silent on it.

Since as my maxim goes, Other People Don’t Believe Society’s Rules Apply To Them, I went along as Security.  Being as tall as I am, people may not notice him but they surely won’t miss me and I can run interference.

As it was we both got crowded out of places we wanted to go.  My heart goes out to the wheelchair bound and the blind.  If we had trouble with all of this, I can only imagine what they go through.

So I had a brainstorm.  I belled the cat.

Not literally, don’t get your animal rights in a twist.

I put a jingle bell on the front of his scooter.

While going through his paces, now you can tell he’s coming.  He jingles.

Yes, I finally found a use for those over large jingle bells I found one holiday season and set aside.  It’s September and I have no pressing need for a golf ball sized bell, let alone two.

Taking a small piece of Copper Wire, I tied the things to his basket.

Yes, they have baskets, that is where you put your crap when you get out of the easy chair and scoot to the kitchen to do dishes, get your snacks, or use El Baño to get rid of same snacks.

It was helpful.  When he went to his next appointment, the bells were cheerily announcing his presence at a subliminal level and he had an easier time of it.

Next time if it happens, I swear I’m going to a toy store and getting a squeaky horn and some tassels.  The horn will shock people awake from their phones.

The Tassels is just because.  May as well have a sense of humor with it.   The horn should be as outrageous a color as possible since if you’re going to look silly, Own It!

A lawyer walks into a bar. He should have ducked.

There are a few professions that get no respect.  Lawyers are one.

Even Shakespeare got into the game, however that specific quote didn’t really mean what we think it did.  “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers” is actually said by a criminal in how to improve a country.

In other words, how to make a place better is to remove all the laws.

Or as it was once explained to me, If you want Anarchy just get rid of the Lawyers.

Since it’s a Sunday Morning that’s a little deep so I’ll just lob these two lawyer related jokes over the fence for your enjoyment, neighbor.

 
An engineer dies and goes to hell.

When he gets down there and starts going through his punishment he get really tired of the constantly bad living conditions, so he starts working.

He makes an industrial air conditioner and gets the temperature under control.

He makes some industrial mining machines and clears the forced labor punishments.

He overhauls the living situations with an entire city of high rise apartments.

Eventually God looks down and notices that he’ll is no longer, well, hell. He calls the devil up to explain what’s going on so the devil tells him, “I got an engineer, it’s awesome!”

God exclaims “An engineer!? I’m sorry that was a mistake you need to send him to heaven where he belongs.”

The devil laughs and tells him no.

God says “don’t make me sue you over this.”

The devil starts cackling and asks “Where are YOU going to get a lawyer!”

God cooly replies “All the good ones argued their way out of hell.”

Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”