How do intruders get inside your home? In through the window!

This first of three I quote all the time.

Usually while smiling at the person I am talking to.

You will see why very shortly!

 
Two physicists go hiking

A theoretical physicist and an applied physicist go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Suddenly they spot a black bear running towards them. The applied physicist starts taking off his boots.

The theoretical physicist says, “It’s not possible to outrun a bear.”

The applied physicist says, “I don’t. I just have to outrun you.”
My nephew took a career placement test at school.

It told him he was going to be a pirate when he grew up. My sister was furious. She matched to the school and demanded to speak to his teacher.

“Why does this test say that my son is supposed to be a pirate?! Is this some kind of joke?”

The teacher calmly pulled out the boy’s report card.

“No ma’am, it’s not a mistake. As you can see here, your son has an affinity for High C’s.”

 

I once dated a masseuse…

On the first date she massaged my shoulders.

On the second date she massaged my feet.

On the third date she gave me a full body massage.

But, in the end it never worked out.

She kept giving me mixed massages

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