Wanna hear a roof joke? Alright, the first one’s on the house.

Gardening.
The easiest rule of thumb is to plant what your neighbors have in their yards. Since you want something to look distinctive, and not copy cat, go a block away and see if you can figure out what they have.
Then when you get home, and have all your precious cuttings in hand, make sure that they aren’t invasive. I found out that some of the plants that propagate so well are deemed invasive by the different groups here in South Florida.
Won’t stop me though, I have pots of the stuff in my backyard that are “shovel ready” to go in the yard.
Ooops.

 

Or you could easily take this old gentleman’s idea to heart and plant a forest instead.

 

There was an old man who lived by a forest

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

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I don’t hate lazy people anymore. I found someone else who does it for me.

First, I give you one kind of Lazy.

 

A young married couple have moved into an apartment and want to re-paper the dining room.

They decide to call on a neighbor with a dining room of the same size and ask him how much rolls of wallpaper he bought when he did his dining room.

“Seven,” he says.

Heeding his words, they buy seven rolls of expensive wallpaper and get to work. When they get to the end of the fourth roll, the dining room is finished.

Annoyed, they confront the neighbor and tell him, “We followed your advice, but we ended up with three extra rolls!”

The neighbor shrugs and says, “Well. So that happened to you too.”
And since this is Sunday, I give a final kind of lazy!

 

The county’s road maintenance staff got a new trainee.

The trainee is tasked to paint the lines of a reconstructed highway before it is to be re-opened for public traffic.

On Day 1 the trainee painted 5 miles.
On Day 2 the trainee painted 2.6 miles.
On Day 3 the trainee painted 0.9 miles.
On Day 4 the trainee gets then questioned by the boss.

Boss: “On your first day, you have painted a great length of the road. But the following days it got significantly less than before. Are you slacking?”

Trainee: “No, sir! The distance to the bucket gets longer!”

Would you like to hear a construction joke? Well I’m still working on it.

This one threw me, but considering that I come from a computing background, I got it.

Then I remembered my programmers and yeah I can see it!

 

Three townsfolk were sentenced to death by guillotine.
The King must witness every execution.

First up was the town’s Priest.
Sentenced for baptizing the newborn babies a bit too long.
Executioner puts the bag over his head, priest kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.
The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half way.
The King was in shock. “There has to be some devine reason you have not died. You may go now.”

Next was the town Drunk.
Sentenced for too many nights running around naked whilst urinating on others property.
Executioner puts the bag over his head, he kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.
The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half way.
The King was amazed. “I don’t know why the gods have decided to keep you alive… go on now and drink the finest whiskey you can find.”

Finally was the town Engineer. Sentenced for releasing the castle prisoners while demonstrating the flaws in the wall structure.
Executioner puts the bag over his head, he kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.
The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half way.
The King was starting to get a little irritated that no heads were rolling off that day.
“Well, Engineer, it must be your lucky day too.” He says as the executioner pulls the bag off the Engineers head.

Before the King could get another word in, the Engineer looks up and says, “Hey! There’s your problem!”

Cliffhanger puns are extremely frustrating. They just

Since my friends have discovered that I like Dad Jokes and Punny One Liners, I am being sent a bunch of them. I’ve got a file sitting on the desktop of my Debian Linux Desktop Computer called “Thirteen Bad Jokes.txt” that is getting quite full of them.

Here are thirteen more of them for your… enjoyment?

 

My son has adorable little baby hands… I don’t know what he did with the rest of the body.

My tuktuk got stuck earlier in the mud – False advertising should be called a stuckstuck.

Did you hear about the big fight at the seafood restaurant? There was battered fish everywhere.

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with …so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

I have got a black belt in origami. I made it myself.

A lady walks into the library, asking for books on paranoia. The librarian whispers, “they’re right behind you”.

How many lawyers does it take to fill up an ambulance? I don’t know, nobody’s ever tried to save one.

My daughter asked for a Cinderella Themed Party. So I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Whenever I travel I like to open a window. The airline strongly disagrees.

My wife and I have three beautiful children and three out of five isn’t bad.

Talk to your lock calmly if you get locked out because communication is key.

Since when do we have a alarm system? You are standing on the cat…

How do you make any salad a Caesar Salad … Stab it 23 times (Et Tu Brute?)

They launched a ride share app for witches… It’s called BroomService.

There’s an app for everything these days… you can use that one this month.

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die”. She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow”.

 

 

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby… Little Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began to cry.
The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

She quickly responded ‘He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!’

 

 

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS” into the name of “an important human body part which is most useful when erect.”

Those who answered “spine” are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

Have you heard of the movie constipation? Oh wait it never came out!

Wandering around town, it seems that one of the things I find all the time are pennies. Nobody seems to want them. You find little cairns of these slugs sitting on parking meters, under meters, in the parking lots, and other spots.
I’m starting to see pictures of people using them as washers because they’re cheaper to use than getting into the car and driving to the hardware store and actually buying a box of the right sized washers for your construction project.
Inflation caused that. It used to be that Penny Candy would cost a penny and you’d get two or three bits for that copper cent. Then they changed the chemical makeup of the coins so they went from a brass that rang when you dropped it to these Copper Coated Zinc slugs that make a sour thunk on the table when you empty your pockets after a walk around town.

 

Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran’s home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a hand with a shiny penny in it. He asked if I could see a snake. I said no. He said it was a Copperhead.

He added another penny and asked if I could see a fruit. I could not, and he said it was a Pear.

He added a third penny and asked if I could see a car. I stare at the three pennies to no avail. I could not. He said it was a Lincoln. (D’oh!)

He adds a fourth penny and asks if I can see a naked lady. Now I’m trying to work it out in my head, trying to figure any puns or word play looking at the four pennies. After a moment, I admit my defeat and tell hem I could not see a naked lady.

He grins and tells me, “and for four pennies, you’re not going to.”

If I had a dollar for every joke i told wrong… To get the other side.

South Florida is an interesting place. It’s a place that teaches you to dig deeper than the surface. It definitely changes as you live here longer and really learn about things here.

I guess that can be anywhere that you move to, away from where you grew up. After all, my little pond near the house in Cherry Hill NJ had a car tire sized Snapping Turtle pulled out of it by my neighbor Johnny and I caught snakes bare handed in Mrs Alderfer’s Shrub once.

If you do dig, for example here in my back yard, you will hit ground water at around ten feet.

I may be the highest property on my block.

Yes, we all do know our elevation down here.

When you’re a tourist driving around town, too slowly in the fast lane and too fast in the slow lane, you will see a lot of really beautiful lakes and rivers. The Canals that drained The Swamps look inviting, but we see a lot of things in those canals that don’t really belong.

Like Tourists and their cars from taking that curve just a wee bit too fast.

It’s a bit like Hippy Star Trek. Paradise, yes, but it has some very dangerous aspects to it.

Swimming pools are better. It is a rare day we don’t have a Rip Tide warning on the beach, but my 32 Foot by 16 Foot pool never has one.

Stay out of the lakes and canals unless you can go very fast.

It’s not important that you are faster than the Piranhas, just that you are faster than the next guy.

This next little joke explains it pretty well.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,

“There wouldn’t by chance be any alligators in these waters?!”“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!”

Feeling relieved, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway toward shore he asked the old man, “Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, anyway?”

“We didn’t do anything,” the old man said. “The sharks got ’em.”