Why are horses lousy dancers? Because they have two left feet!

 

A man goes into a jewelry store on his lunch hour to buy his mistress a necklace.
After looking at a few, he decides on a very expensive diamond pendant.

“Is this for your wife?” the clerk asks as she wraps it in the finest paper.
The man turns to see his wife entering the store, out on her daily errands, and replies to the clerk, “It is now.”

 

I want to invest in massage parlors
I’ve heard that their turnover rate is pretty high.

Nah, bakeries are on the rise.
Selling, like, hotcakes. And their turnover rate can be even higher.
I mean, there’s a lot of dough in it.
I’m just rolling with what the stocks tell me.
I had all these puns just baking in my head.
Now I can have pizza mind.

 

A farmer sees a boy walking down his drive with something in his hand

The farmer says “boy what you got in your hand”?
boy says Chicken wire, I’m Gnna catch me some chickens……
farmer says “you can’t catch chickens with that chicken wire….

the boy comes walking back after a bit…
has 6 chickens in the chicken wire…

Next day..farmer sees the boy…”boy what you got in your hands”?
Boy says “Duct Tape” Gonna go catch me some ducks….
farmer says “boy you can’t catch no ducks with that”….
the boy comes walking back after a bit….has 8 ducks wrapped in the duct tape…

Next day…farmer sees the boy…”boy what you got in your hands”? Boy says “Pussy Willows”….farmer says “hold on, let me get my hat”

The kid comes back later with about a dozen cats and one very disappointed old man.

 

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant…

They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering “That poor old couple — all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they’re just fine — they’re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”

The old woman answers… “THE TEETH.”

 

I was at the mall yesterday and there was a girl with a really tight t-shirt that said: “Guess”.

I’m thinking that “Implants” was the wrong thing to say…

 

 

A student walks into a bar

He sulks into the nearest stool. The bartender comes over and asks “What’s wrong, did you fail a test?”

The Student looks up at him and says “Yeah, I want to be a lawyer, but I went straight from my BAR exam to here because I knew I failed and I feel like drinking my problems away.”

The bartender felt sorry for the kid, but refused to serve him, saying “I don’t serve people when I know they’re bar hopping.”

 

 

What do dolphins bake with? All porpoise flour.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’

The man quickly replies ‘You go up there and tell that bastard off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’

 

A priest is drowning in the middle of the ocean. His faith in God is extensive, so he prays for God to save him. Not long after, a man in a fishing boat plines up to him and tells the priest to get in his boat. The priest says, “No! I’m waiting for God to save me!” and the boatman drives off.

Suddenly, the priest notices an entire cruise ship he never saw before! They lower someone down in a lifeboat and throw out a lifeline. The priest rejects it, saying “No! I prayed to God to save me!” The boats float away, and they’re gone before the priest even realizes it.

After a while, the priest notices a helicopter coming towards him! It has a crucifix on its side and, when it’s above him, drops a rope for him to climb. One of his priest brothers and a woman he’s never seen before with golden hair look down and yell at him to climb up. He says, “No, brother! I’m waiting for God to save me!” before the priest notices, the helicopter is gone and he drowns.

Once in Heaven, the priest walks up to God as says, “You, damnit! Why didn’t you save me?!”

God says, “Really? I sent two boats and a helicopter!”

 

Forrest Gump and his girlfriend goes to a bar…And Forrest asks his girl what she would like to drink?

She answers: Rum Forrest Rum.

 

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are Birth Control pills?”

“Yes. They help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep.”

The elderly woman reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes dear, I know that. But, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

 

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

 

Two retired gentlemen meet while sunning themselves on the beach

They get to talking about themselves.

One says, “I was in the retail business. I started out with a tiny clothing shop, and through a lifetime of long hours and hard work, built my way up to a nice department store. Things got tough when the chain stores started moving in. Then, tragedy. A fire wiped me out. Luckily, the insurance was enough to cover my losses and then some. Rather than start over, I decided to retire to Florida a little earlier than I planned.”

The other guy said, “My story is much the same. I was in manufacturing, and built my way up from a tiny shop in my garage to a big factory. I too find myself here as the result of disaster. There was a massive flood that destroyed my inventory and equipment. I couldn’t face starting from scratch, and when the insurance offered a generous settlement I took it and started my new life here.”

The first guy leans in and whispers, “How do you start a flood?”

 

A recent warning to Drivers in England.

Drivers be aware. The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A421, near the Northampton roundabout recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “bike”

 

There’s this guy who goes and buys a loaf of bread right? And at the shop the employee asks the guy if he wants a bag or not.

The guy thinks a little while…and then says yes please, baguette.

 

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

A Short Collection of Science Jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?” “For you, sir, no charge!”

What’s 2 times 2? Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!” Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!” Engineer: “4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”

Three logicians walk into a bar. “You all want a beer?” the bartender asks. “I don’t know,” says the first logician. “I don’t know either,” says the second logician. Says the third logician, “If that’s the case, then we all want a beer.”

Atom 1: “I think I lost one of my electrons somewhere.” Atom 2: “Are you sure?” Atom 1: ”Yes, I’m positive!”

A neutrino walks through a bar.

A photon checks into a hotel. “Do you need help with your luggage?” the clerk asks. “No thanks, I’m travelling light.”

A mathematician walks into a bar. “I’ll have a pint, and then half a pint and then a quarter of a pint and then an eighth of a pint-” The bartender, who is also a mathematician, interrupts him, “Two pints, coming right up!”

 

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician travel together by train. Right after entering Scotland they see a black sheep standing on top of a hill.

“Look at that,” says the biologist. “Apparently the sheep in Scotland are black.”

“Nonsense!” says the physicist. “All we can say for sure is that there is one sheep in Scotland that’s black.”

“I am afraid you are both wrong,” the mathematician explains. “The only thing that is certain is that there is a sheep in Scotland, which is black on at least one side.”

 

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from from incomplete data.

What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe? Zero, all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.

Why were the Romans so bad at algebra? They always ended up with X equals 10.

“I never get any good data. Sometimes I think the particle accelerator hates me.” “Never anthropomorphize machines. They hate that.”

So The Beatles Go To America For The First Time

They go to a currency exchange place by the airport and the ask for (along with a decent sum of cash) some of each type of coin so that they could be familiarized with the currency.

They’re rich enough that they don’t have to skimp out on the number of coins they get, so the cashier gives them four rolls of each type of coin–pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. Sure, maybe it was overkill, but they were in America, where bigger meant better, so they didn’t mind.

The Beatles were not a particularly rich sort before their big break, so it may not be surprising that they went from withdrawing no money at the bank to withdrawing a lot of it, leaving no middle room to go there asking for coins. It was, in fact, the first time any of them had seen a coin roll.

“Look at this!” said Paul, “That’s a bloody line of quarters! A quarter line! And all the other coins are in lines too!”

The cashier tried to explain coin rolls, but the Beatles were already so overjoyed with this discovery that they didn’t hear and kept on calling them coin lines.

They walk out and get in a car with a driver that was waiting for them–Ringo in the front, George in the back left, Paul in the back right, and John in the middle.

They put the money in the middle of the car, in the little bit of space between driver and passenger seat. There’s no pocket there, as the car is from the sixties, but it shouldn’t really matter–after all, they’re worth a lot more than their money is.

They drive out of the airport when, all of a sudden, a car traveling in the opposite direction identifies them and tries to swerve in front of them to stop the car. The Beatles speed up to counter, and they end up colliding head-on.

Majestically, three of the Beatles are unscathed as well as the driver. But the fourth–John, who was sitting directly behind the money, took the full brunt of the blow. The quarters, nickels, and dimes drove into his chest before bouncing back down to the floor of the car, but the penny rolls were launched in such a trajectory that they lodged themselves into various facial features.

When the initial shock died down, Ringo asked, “John, are you okay?” But John couldn’t hear or see him–those appendages were blocked off.

“Aaa-argh!” shouted Lennon, “Penny lines are in my ears and in my eyes!”

A Farmer Meets With The Banker Annually

The Farmer has to meet with the banker, talk about the crops for the year, talk about grain prices, and try to forecast the year’s output to plan out expenses for the year.

When the banker arrives at the farm he notices a very tame and friendly pig, running around as if nothing’s wrong, had a wooden leg. If you didn’t know any better you would think the pig was a dog, would help the old farmer out of his truck, hold the spring gate open for him, just a wonderful pig.

As the farmer explains his planting strategy, watering plans, etc, the banker gets ever more curious about the pig and it’s wooden leg, and decides to asks about the pig.

The farmer explains, “This pig?! Oh, this is a wonderful pig, early this spring, the chickens were awoken by a fox in the middle of the night, and the pig stormed in there and chased off the fox, such a wonderful pig.”

Mid-way through the season, the banker’s curiosity gets the best of him and decides to do a wellness check on the farmer and as he pulled up, noticed the pig had two wooden legs.

The farmer instantly explains about forecasts and how he wouldn’t have any trouble paying his loan in full, but the banker isn’t interested, and asks again about the pig.

“Oh this pig?!”, exclaims the farmer, “such a wonderful pig. Just last week, it saved my life. I fell in the kitchen, and he ran 5 miles to the neighbors to get help, just such a wonderful pig”.

Normally, the bank only meets with the farmer annually, but had to know the story with the pig and two wooden legs, he makes up another story to check in on the farmer after harvest time. Upon arrival, notices the same pig, this time with three wooden legs.

He meets the farmer at the gate with his pet pig, and the farmer is confused why the banker is there. The debts are paid up, but the Banker explains, “Sorry to drop in on you, but before I forget, why does your pet pig have three wooden legs?”

The farmer asks, “If you had such a wonderful pig, would you eat him all at once?”

What App Do Ghosts Use to Listen to Music? Spookify

The phone rings at FBI headquarters

“Hello?”
“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”
“This will be noted.”
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
“Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yeah they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

 

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?!”
It replied, “It is and don’t call me Shirley!”
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

 

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving…
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

 

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

 

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three.

One to climb the ladder.
One to shake the ladder.
And one to sue the ladder company.

 

A man walks into a bar and ask for the most expensive drink, after doing that he starts shadow boxing.

The barman looks at him confused and serves him his drink
After the man finishes his drink he ask another one and starts shadow boxing again.

The man finishes the drink and asks for another one and starts shadow boxing again,

The barman, curious asks the man “When is the big fight?”

The man says: Whenever you want because i don’t have any money

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!” Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

 

A science teacher tells his class
A science teacher tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.”
A blonde student responds, “Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”

 

A teacher sent kids home with an assignment to find something that teaches a life lesson.

The next day Mary goes first and says “our chickens laid eight eggs so I thought we’d have 8 chicks, but only 5 hatched”

Teacher asks “what was the lesson?”
Mary says “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”.

Then it’s Bobby’s turn “my uncle was a Marine pilot in Vietnam. He was shot down and as he parachuted down he takes his ‘inventory’. He has a gun with 7 shots, a fifth of whiskey, and a knife. There are 100 men waiting for him on the ground. He drinks the whiskey on the way down and when he lands he kills 7 with the gun and the rest with his knife.”
Horrified the teacher asks “what’s the lesson here!?”

Bobby replies “don’t mess with my uncle when he’s drunk”

 

 

3 old guys were talking about their health problems

Old guy 1: I’m 75 and every morning at 7 i wake up but i just can’t pee. I’m too old and something is restricting it i don’t know.
Old guy 2: Ohh thats nothing, I’m 85 and everytime I wake up at 8 I just can’t poo. I feel so bloated all day.
Old guy 3: I’m 96. I don’t know about you, but at 7 i pee , at 8 i poo and at 9 I wake up

 

Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained.
“I’m looking for the seal.”

 

Border officer: Do you have anything to declare?

Traveller: Only an undying love of travel puns.
Border officer: …You just crossed a line, kid.

 

The housemaid has some bad and good news.

A housemaid calls her boss and says “I’ve got some good and bad news”
“Well give me the bad news first”
“Your dog died”
“My dog died! When did that happen?”
“After the horse kicked it”
“Well why in the world did the horse kick it?”
“Because the stables were on fire”
“The stables were on fire! I just feckin built them!”
“Well the flames managed to spread from the house somehow…”
“The house! The house caught fire? How the hell did that happen?”
“A candle fell off of your dad’s coffin”
“My dad died? When did THAT happen?”
“Soon after your mothers funeral I believe”
“My mother died too? How has such tragedy struck me on my holiday to Spain? Well damn you woman! What’s the good news?”
“Well, the heat from the flames brought the dandelions up high before the spring!”

 

A woman found a little boy crying on the street.
She asked him: “Why are you crying, boy?”
He answered: “A classmate of mine threw my sandwich away!”
“On purpose?” The woman asked.
“No,” he responded, “on the ground!”

 

What Is The Height Of Misunderstanding?
A Man Marrying His Own Secretary Thinking That She Will Still Follow His Orders As Before.

 

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares.