I have an eclipse joke but it gets kind of dark.

Since it is sunday I thought I might give you a St Peter At The Gate Joke.  Yes, you will get the format, but the twist is at the end.

 Of course Sundays tend to be twisted so there you go!

 A young engaged couple were very much looking forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fifty years?”

They explained what they thought had happened, the horror of the oncoming truck on the wrong side of the road. They had been so looking forward to their wedding, to their new home and to married life together. “Would it still be possible,” they asked, “for us still to get married in heaven?”

St Peter was stumped. “Marriage is usually ‘till death us do part’, he explained. Once couples arrive here, they usually don’t want to remain married, but just good friends. There isn’t really marriage in heaven.”

“But we were so looking forward to married life together. Can we not have that opportunity?” they asked.

“Well,” said St Peter, “I’ll have to go and ask the Boss and then find you a priest to perform your wedding. Can you just wait around a bit until I come back?”

So they hung around waiting. An hour went past. Another hour, Several hours. No sign of Peter. Other saints came to see to the queues forming and check in those qualifying. But no Peter. In earth time a day, then a week went past, Finally, after the terrestrial equivalent of a month St Peter returned. “Good news!” he said, “I’ve got permission and it’s all arranged for you!”

But the young couple had been reconsidering. Marriage on earth is usually for 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, at a limit 70 years. To actually remain married for all eternity might be just too long. They might tire of each other. So they both explained this to St Peter and then asked him:

“If we do get married, would it also be possible to get divorced in heaven?”

“Look here,” said Peter, by now exasperated, “It’s taken me a month to find a priest in heaven. How the blazes do you think I’m ever going to find a lawyer?
A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.

Warden: well that’s just a crock of lies!!

Man: here, I’ll show you… (releases the fish into the lake).

Warden: well this I gotta see!! (5 minutes later…)

Warden: well??

Man: what?

Warden: the fish!! Where’s your pet fish??

Man: what fish??

My neighbor and I are having a land dispute. Well, it’s actually more of a ground beef.

 I am afraid that these two here… well they passed the laugh out loud test.  I guess it is because I didn’t finish my coffee who knows!

A rich couple was going out for the evening.

The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife did not have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.

‟Throckmorton. Take off my dress.” He did so, carefully.

‟Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter.” He silently obeyed her.

‟Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties.” The tension mounted as he complied.

Finally, she looked at him and said, ‟Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you are fired.”

And now, for a second one!

I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone….

“$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat”

I thought, “how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren’t even getting paid.”

He continued, “The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That’s fine.”

I thought, “Wow this guy is loaded… Lucky wife, driving around in a new $125k car in a new $1000 sweater. There is NO WAY he can afford that on our salary.”

The conversation continued, “The house you like came on the market? Well how much is it? 800,000? See if they will accept $775,000”

We were all confused and in disbelief as he ended the call.

He turned and faced the rest of the crew and said, “If anyone sees the boss, tell him I found his phone, his wife called, and I QUIT!”

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

This is about the Daddiest Dad Joke I could find about a cemetery.  And yeah I have told an abbreviated version of it many times.

While we are on the subject, whose idea was it to make the word Abbreviated so blasted long?

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. 

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. 

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

I have an eclipse joke but it gets kind of dark.

This one is a bit short so I gave you a Two-Fer.  The first one is just so wonderfully dumb that you can tell it anywhere.   The other one is here because I am thinking we really do need to go to the market this weekend!

3 guys in a desert…

One day traveling thru Death Valley, I saw 3 guys stranded in the heat: Joe, Moe, Doh. I noticed Joe was holding a bucket filled with water, Moe a bag full of cash, and Doh with just a car door. I stopped and asked Joe, why are you carrying water?

Joe: “If I get hot, I can drink this water.” Makes sense, so I asked Moe why are you carrying bag full of money?

Moe: “If I get hot, maybe I can buy some water from Joe.” Also makes sense, then I asked Doh, why are you carrying just a car door?

Doh: “Well, if I get hot, I’ll just roll down the window.”

And… since that was a short joke…

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.

I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised

 This seems to be a good example of Boomer Humor.  The “Younger” people out there seem to simply not understand why “Tha Boomerz” find this marriage tension style of humor funny.

For the most part I agree with them, however this is at once Boomer Humor and also funny enough to get me to laugh while I was drinking coffee this morning.

Besides, it is a well told story, and those are always fun to read.

See if you agree, I have to get a towel for my keyboard.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

“Not so good,” says Harry.

“Why, what happened?” James queries.

“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.

“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”

“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.

“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”

James nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”

This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. “Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”

James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. “Could have been worse,” he says. “Could have happened to me.”

Why did the boy throw butter at the window? To see the butter fly.

In my backyard I have pots of plants, everywhere. Some of them have Milkweed. It never really gets very big or very lush because the Butterflies use it for a diner. That’s great since that’s what it’s there for. Even if there are just sticks left, the monarchs like it.

My Wife found out that our Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian…….

The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog’s Ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the Dog could then hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Veet” hair remover and rub it in the Dog’s Ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some “Veet” hair remover.

At the register, the Pharmacist told her,

“If you’re going to use this under your Arms, don’t use Deodorant for a few days.”

*Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The Pharmacist said,

“If you’re using it on your Legs, don’t use Body Lotion for a couple of days.”

Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my Legs either”.

If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The Pharmacist said,

“Well, stay off your Bicycle for at least a Week”.

I thought I spotted a leopard once. It turns out there born like that.

You know, it’s funny. Having gone to a Catholic High School I definitely did see how some of the priests and nuns were much better than others. Absolute obedience was not on order there, and anyone who does believe in that needs to have their minds opened, but there were some better than others.

So Sr. Stan, this one is for you, definitely one of the “good ones”.

A nun comes to visit

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers, and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
“And do you men know Jesus Christ?”

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?”
One of the steelworkers yelled down, “Why?”
The worker yelled back, “Cause his wife’s here with his lunch.”

To whoever stole my anti depressants. I hope you’re happy.

I have done many long trips. I actually really miss loading up the Jeep, driving hours and getting somewhere eventually. Once you get away from the city, instead of finding it boring, I really do get into that groove of being alone with my thoughts, my radio, and watching those others on the road.

I have always found that truckers will appreciate your taking a bit of extra care while you’re on Their Roads since basically you’re in their office. I mean if someone came in and pushed all your papers on the floor, you would be annoyed too.

This takes things to another level.

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. He notices the man to be very scared.

The truck driver removes a piece of chalk a knife from his truck, draws a circle on the road and tells the frightened car driver to stand in the circle.

He screams at the man “You will be sorry for your life if you come out of the circle” and then proceeds to cut up the nice leather seats in the car. Thinking he had done enough he turns around to find the man smiling.

Even more angry he returns to his truck and gets a baseball bat out and smashes all the windows and lights. When he looks again the man is giggling.

Starting to rage now, the trucker drops the bat and slashes all his tyres to which the man bursts out laughing.

Well, the trucker finally loses it, gets a can of gasoline from the truck, pours it all over the brand new sports car and sets it on fire.

When he turns around to see man’s reaction, he is nearly falling over with fits of laughter.

Mystified, the trucker asks ” what the hell is so funny ???”

The man replies, ” while you weren’t looking, i stepped out of the circle four times !!”

National Sarcasm Society: Like we need your support…

Ok, so I am definitely late on this one, but since I discovered it, and you probably have not taken your decorations down yet, here you go!

On the night of Christmas Eve, Santa was having a really hard time.

He was furious because nothing was going right.

A couple of elves had crashed his sleigh, the reindeers were covered in eggnog, and Mrs. Claus was being a ho ho ho.

Then, to top it all off, Santa had sent little angel hours ago to find a tree and he was still gone.

“Gah, the bastard still isn’t back yet!”

But then, a miracle happened! At the stroke of midnight, the angel comes back with the tree.

“Hey fat man! Where do you want me to put this tree,” asks the little angel.

At this moment, Santa had a brilliant idea.

So, boys and girls, that’s how the tradition of putting angels on top of trees came to be.

I just bought some synonym rolls. They taste just like the ones Grammar used to make.

Having just had a friend wish me seasonings greetings I could not resist. I do hope his day isn’t too salty!

How Drunk Are You?

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him.
As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”