During an Italian meal… You pasta sauce around the table.

Wholesale supermarket

So, the other day my wife texted me, said we were having salad for dinner, and asked me to grab a head of lettuce on my way home from work.

I said OK and decide to try the new discount supermarket that opened right off the highway.

When I get in, it’s clear that this place specializes in wholesale: there are giant boxes of things everywhere.

I didn’t need more than a head of lettuce though, so I grab one out of a box and head up to the front.

The cashier looks at the lettuce, looks at me, and says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t sell you that.”

“Why not?”

“Well, sir, we only sell the entire box. You can go back and get the entire box and buy that or you need to return the lettuce.”

“That’s ridiculous!” I say, “There must be over a hundred heads in each of those boxes.”

“That’s right, sir. There’s one hundred and forty-four.”

“You mean you have to buy one hundred and forty-four heads of lettuce?? That’s absurd! Who would need that much!” I was so upset at that point that I just left the lettuce with the cashier. I looked her straight in the eye and said, “This is the worst supermarket I’ve ever seen.”

She shakes her head and answers, “You have us all wrong. We’re not a supermarket, we’re a gross-ery store.”

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Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.

That title is a one liner I found somewhere but it reminds me of a business meeting I had with a client in NYC.

This rather intelligent woman I worked with had a comment that everyone took as a mental lapse, but weirdly it has stuck with me over the years. So I will share this ear-worm of a story with you.  Maybe you can figure out that mental process.

We were sitting at a window with a great view of the bridges leading over to Brooklyn when she piped up about her meal.

“You know!  I can tell these are Sea Scallops!

These are from the sea and the sea is big!

The Bay Scallops are from the bay and the bay is small!”

The table looked around at each other for a solid Ten Count and then the conversation just started over.  She never really followed it up with any further explanation, just sat there and looked proud of it.

As silly as that sounds, yes, that is how I remember sizes of Scallops – not that I tend to get them since they’re so expensive.

Sweet lady, I guess you had to be there!

 

 

Three tortoises go on a picnic…

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. “Ok Les Give me the bottle opener.”
“I didn’t bring it,” says Les. “I thought you packed it.”
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, “Did you bring the bottle opener??”

Naturally Alan didn’t bring it. So they’re stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn’t back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn’t back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can’t take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts……..
“I KNEW IT!……I’M NOT GOING!”

Have you heard about the submarine industry? It’s really taking a dive..

English can be a very imprecise language.  When talking with someone, if you describe an object, you can specify exactly what you are talking about by using very descriptive words like its name and colors and position, or it is equally as valid to use a word like “That”.

If you use “That” frequently in such a situation… I hate you.

 

A factory burned in a fire

One of the survivors, a worker from the factory, goes home to his wife “Honey, there was a fire, the factory burned down and many of my coworkers died”
“That’s horrible!” She replied

“Tragic… The company is insuring the families of the deceased with hundreds of thousands of dollars”
“How did you survive?” The wife asked.

“I stepped outside for a smoke when it caught fire” said the husband, to which the wife replied “This is why I’ve told you a million times to quit smoking!”

I saw a new color in a dream last night. It was a pigment of my imagination.

Ok, maybe I should have added this one to the bottom of yesterday’s post. Judging from the international response I got…

There are a lot of you out there that like my disturbed jokes!

 

A couple that has been married for 20 years…

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every morning, the husband would wake up and blast out the biggest, loudest fart in bed. The wife was quite disgusted with the practice and repeatedly asked him to stop, but he just chuckled. She told him “One of these days you are going to fart your guts out”.

The practice continued, unabated. Finally the wife decided to play a trick. While at the butcher she picked up some chicken entrails. The next morning she awoke early and carefully put the entrails into her husband’s boxers while he slept. Then she went to the kitchen to wait.

Sure enough, a few minutes later there was a trumpet blast from her husband’s ass. She chuckled to herself and waited, sipping her coffee, for him to come out.

It took quite some time, but when he came to the kitchen he was looking a bit ashen. She waited and he told her…

“Well, you were right. This morning I did fart my guts out. But, by the grace of god and with these two fingers, I pushed them all back in.”

What do you call a grizzly bear without teeth? A gummy bear!

A Lady goes to buy her grandson a fishing rod.

She goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

Since we’re on the subject of Kangaroos, here’s a story about an Aussie in London.

 

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job

The manager asked ‘Do you have any sales experience?’
The young man answered ‘Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..’
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, ‘OK, so how many sales did you make today?’

The Aussie said ‘One!’
The manager groaned and continued, ‘Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?’

‘£124,237.64p.’
The manager choked and exclaimed, ‘£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?’

‘Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.’
‘Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.’
‘Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.’

The manager, incredulous, said, ‘You mean to tell me…a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4×4?’

‘No, no, no… he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said… ‘Well, since your weekend’s buggered, you might as well go fishing…’

What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear

… and how did that bear get in the jungle in the first place.

Anyway, I think in the case of this story, you have to classify this as Men Can Be So Dumb…

 

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches…

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years!

So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow,
they’re gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same sandwich, and jumps to his death.
The second one opens his lunchbox, same story, jumps.
And the third one opens his, sees another same sandwich as yesterday, and jumps off to his demise.

At their funeral, the first construction worker’s wife cries, and through her tears says
“He should have told me, I would have made him a different sandwich”.

The second wife totally devastated whimpers
“He never complained about his sandwich, I should have known…”, and continues crying.
And the third one cries “Oh what an idiot I married, he made his own sandwiches”