Yo mama so dumb, She asked me the number of ‘911’

If you have ever read instructions and thought “Instructions unclear, installed third eye” this one is for you.

 

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” says the doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to “spend time” with her.  (Use your imagination, I cleaned it up)

Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

“Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house

Advertisements

A Dad is washing a car with his son. The son asks: ‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

This is definitely a Dad Joke.  I’ve heard it told a couple times, and while I groan, I always have enjoyed it.

How much do you know about Gandhi?

He would go on hunger strikes, so he was a pretty skinny guy to begin with. But one time, he walked all the way from the interior of India to the coast to pick up salt from the seaside.

He was protesting something to do with British taxes, I can’t remember the details, but he did the whole trip barefoot, and by the end of the trip his callouses on his feet were so thick he could practically walk on hot coals.

He hardly ate or slept on his March to the sea, he power walked the whole thing.

The thing about doing strenuous exercise without much food is, your body starts breaking down other fuel, like muscles and connective tissues, and your breath gets this sickly sweet smell to it, like rotting fruit.

So, you could say Gandhi was a

Super calloused Fragile mystic Hexed by halitosis

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of 100 dollar bills? Awreatha Franklin!

I love Aretha’s music so any chance to say it I’m all for… but being Sunday, that’s not why you are here, is it?  Bad jokes anyone?

Oh and a little back story here.  Key West is at the end of the Florida Keys.  Coming back to the mainland it is 120 miles of beautiful turquoise waters, tiny little islands full of houses built on stilts, and places to stay.  Miami is 160 miles from Key West, and I am 190 from Key West.

If I remember right.  It’s a long drive.  Four hours…

Last Wishes

Doug Smith lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife rolls her eyes and replies, “The ‘fool’ had a paper route”

How do both Santa and Ebeneezer Scrooge keep their hair so lustrous? With Ho Ho Bah!

When four of Santa’s elves got sick and the trainee elves didn’t produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…

I’ve been watching a cat documentary today. It’s on paws.

An Excellent Vintage.

A drunk walk into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.

“I’m not selling you that,” says the druggist. “You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!”

“Not true!” insists the drunk. “I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Here.” The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.

The drunk stares at it. “Got one that’s been refrigerated?

 

Ok, so these blond jokes are just as dumb as they try to make someone out to be with that color hair, but, I couldn’t resist…

 

Blonde walks into a library and says “I’ll have a cheeseburger, fries, and medium Coke.”

Librarian: “But ma’am, this is a library!”

Blonde: Oh I’m sorry… (whispers) “I’ll have a cheeseburger, fries and medium Coke”

Calculators are reliable. You can always count on them.

Here are a couple of short-mid sized jokes for you to try on for size.  They made me smile, so maybe you will too.

 

The Mystery Kitchen Utensil

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

 

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

Why I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

 

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

 

My wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low…

She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, “Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!”

I looked at her and winked, “Inflation.”

My neighbors are listening to good music whether they like it or not.

Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout.

Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck.
As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out.

He asks “why does that Pig only have three legs?”
She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out.

He said “but why does the Pig only have three legs?”
She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him.

Again he asked “why does the Pig only have three legs?”
After all the Pig did for us, it didn’t seem right to eat him all at once.