The inventor of sliced bread is likely the one that cut the cheese.

Here in South Florida, we take Hurricane Season very seriously.  It starts tomorrow, so we will all be trying to shop, hopefully with our masks, to make sure that we have enough Room Temperature Stable Food and Water in the house in case of a disaster for two weeks.

Every year I go shopping, and treat myself to a case of Special Hurricane Water.  Last year it was a case of Corona Extra. I wonder what that will be this year?

 

Two Nuns

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.  One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.  She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said,

‘This is for washing our hair.’  Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

‘The curlers are on me.’

Yo mama is so old that when I told her to act her age…she died.

Just because I am feeling generous, here is a two-fer for a Sunday Morning.

 

Even robots need a day off.

When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops.

In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc.

We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day.

Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill.

Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”.

So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler’s day off.

 

And if you don’t share my love for that movie in the punch line above, here’s another one for a Sunday Morning.

 

The last time I heard one like this it was about a fish, but …

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, “Goddamn it all to hell!”

St. Peter hears him and asks God, “Aren’t you going to do anything about that?”

God says, “Yep.”

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle’s shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole.

Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history.

St. Peter, astonished says, “You call that punishment?”

God replies, “Yep. There was nobody around to see it.”

You know the great thing about someone snoring like a chainsaw? Chainsaws have a choke button.

One of my rules of life is don’t get bored, get creative.

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the fame and regard and constant hard work he was subject too, he still had a dream of his own. He wanted a self portrait, one that showed him at his finest, one that truly captured who he was. It had to be unlike anything that had ever been made. But every time he tried to begin, he could not decide how he wanted to go about it.

Many years went by, and his reputation continued to grow. He had made sculptures for royalty as well as the noble and was becoming quite wealthy. But there was still that unfinished block of marble that he could not start on, his lifelong dream of a self portrait. It was there in the back of his shop to witness his sculptures grow more and more intricate, but the marble itself remained untouched.

More years went by and the sculptor was now quite old. One day, he announced that he would be no longer making sculptures for the public. He closed his doors forever. This came as a huge shock to everyone, and they could only wonder why the great sculptor stopped working on what he did best.

The sculptor knew. He wanted to dedicate the rest of his life to this self portrait. After all these years of waiting, he finally picked up the chisel and began. He poured his soul into the project over the next years, and it was physically and emotionally draining. But still he worked, from dawn to dusk, to achieve his goal. And the day came. The last bit of polishing was done. The sculptor stepped back to admire his handiwork, and his breath was taken away. It was unlike anything he had ever seen, and it captured all of the things he wanted it to, and then some. It almost had a glow about it, and it was the first of its kind.

The sculptor was beside himself.

If you like one liners, today is your day!

Here’s a long list of puns I’ve been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says, “This job isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.”

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.

The broom swept the nation away.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

When does a Joke become a Dad Joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

I keep hearing about these “Quarantine Haircuts” you folks are getting. Been cutting my own since 2003, and had a barber ask me to cut his so it can’t be half bad.

However a Barbershop is a very different story.

 

A man pokes his head into a barbershop and asks how long the wait is for a haircut
The barber tells him, “We’re backed up. It’s going to be about three hours.”

The man says, “All right, I’ll come back later then,” but he doesn’t show up until days later, when he pokes his head in and asks again how long the wait is for a haircut.

The barber says it going to be around an hour, to which the man replies, “Okay, I just got to go take care of something.” But he doesn’t return that day either.

When the man showed up again, the barber was certain the man would stick around, since the shop was empty. “There’s one person a head of you. We should be able to get you done in less than twenty minutes.” The man says that sounds good and he’ll be back then.

The barber in disbelief tells one of his patrons, “I’ll give you you’re next two cuts free if you find out where that fella is going. He keeps showing up and asking how long to get a haircut, then leaving without ever showing back up to get it.”

The patron takes him up on his offer.

The barber eagerly asks, “So where’s he going?”

The man tells him, “He’s going to your house to see your wife.”

House Cleaning or The Attack Of The One Liners

I have jokes sent to me frequently.

I look for humor everywhere I go.

If it is suitable for all audiences, I save it on a text file on my Linux computer for later use.

So I get a lot of the stuff, and they do add up.

After all, the file was originally called “Thirteen Bad Jokes.txt”

Since I have quite a few One Liners, today I’m going to shorten my file here and disgorge thirteen of them for our hopefully mutual amusement.

 

I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Ocean walks in to a bar. Bartender says “why so blue?”

Think. This is what you can do when you can’t Thwim.

I really hate stereotyping. The novel my stereo typed was garbage.

The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP

We need to thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds for saving mankind. Without him it would be curtains for us all.

Breaking News: A programmer has been accused of writing unreadable code. He has declined to comment.

Wanna see something cute and wholesome? Don’t look in the mirror then.

A doe walks out of the woods looking bewildered. “I’m never doing that for two bucks again.”

I told my friend a joke about chairs. It didn’t sit with them too well.

My girlfriend is a keeper. She works at the zoo.

What’s green and not heavy? Light green!

I have a hen who can count her own eggs. She’s a mathemachicken.

A Spanish magician said he would disappear on the count of 3 … “Uno” “Dos” And poof! He disappeared without a “tres”

Couldn’t resist that one, especially after working on my Spanish since Dawn.

O La Madrugada, si tu prefieres.

 
Colonel comes up to the guard post and asks if anything happened during the last shift

“Nothing much sir” says the private on duty “just the spade handle got broken”

“And what were you doing with the spade that it broke, private?”
“Just burying the guard dog, sir”

“What happened to the guard dog, private?”
“It was run over by the firetruck.”

“What bloody firetruck?”
“The one putting out the fire in the armory, sir.”

Colonel, now visibly shaking in anger, shouts: “There was a fire in the armory? Why the hell are you only telling me now?”

“Well had I told you straight away you would just get a heart attack like the Major did, sir.”