There Once Was A Man Named Juan

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan’s pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he decided to give it a shot. At this school, anyone who wants to run for principal has to give a speech to the school’s board outlining why they believe they should be the principal, so Juan gets up before the school board and simply says “I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog” and because everybody loved him he got the position of principal

A few months had passed before the town’s mayor decided to resign, and because everybody in town loved Juan they encouraged him to run for mayor. So he gets up in front of the townspeople and says “I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog.”, the speech was met with a huge cheer and Juan became the mayor.

Juan had been mayor for a few years before his townspeople decided to encourage him to run to be the next President, so he decides “why not” and enters the presidential race. Juan made it all the way to the presidential debates, where he simply said “I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog”, and because every American loved him he was sworn into presidency.

A few months later, Juan was incredibly drunk in the oval office. His wife walked into the office to check on him and in his drunkness, Juan pulled a gun on his wife and shot her. Juan’s kids ran to the oval office to see if everything was okay and Juan being the drunk man he was shot them both dead, and a few minutes later the dog walks into the room and was met by a bullet to the face.

Whilst Juan was drunk, he still knew that he had just committed multiple offences and made a run for it, out of the white house and onto the streets. A few nights passed and Juan decided he needed to catch up on his sleep, so he went into a back alley looking for a dumpster to sleep in and he found one. He opened the lid of the dumpster and was greeted by a homeless man, Juan panics and says “Sorry sir, I mean no harm”, the homeless man recognised Juan and said “hang on, aren’t you Juan, the guy who shot his wife, kids and dog?”. “Yes I am, but I mean no harm, I just need a place to sleep” replied Juan, however, the homeless man didn’t take a word of it and pulled out a golf gun.

What’s a golf gun? I don’t know, but it definitely shot a hole in Juan.

Smuggling Done Right

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to the two sacks the man had on his shoulders.

“What’s in the bags?” asked the guard.

“Sand ,” said the cyclist.

“Get them off;we’ll take a look ,”said the guard.

The cyclist did as he was told,emptied the bags ,and proving they contained nothing but sand , reloaded the bags , put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

A week later, the same thing happened.

Again the guard demanded to see the two bags , which contained nothing but sand.

This went on every week for seven months, until one day the cyclist with the bags failed to appear.

A few days later the guard just so happened to meet the cyclist downtown.

“Say dude, you sure had us crazy,” said the guard.” We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word but you got to tell me what it is you were smuggling ?”

“Bicycles”, said the cyclist!

My Wife Ruth Left Me. Now I Am Ruthless!

 

Did you hear about the clowns that got a divorce?
They had a long custardy battle.

 

A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
Bartender says, “Where in the world did you get that?”
Frog spoke up, “Would you believe it started out as a wart on my butt!!”

 

Whats wrong with the Bar on the Moon?
It doesn’t have any atmosphere, the prices are astronomical, and the setup was pretty cheesy.

 

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he’s in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

 

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me (ouch)

 

My friend asked my daughter, “How old is your father?”
“As old as me.” she replied.
He laughed and asked, “How can that be?!”
She said, “Well, he didn’t become a father until I was born.”

 

A clown held the door open for me today
I thought it was a nice jester

 

Three tomatoes are walking down the street.
Mama tomato, Papa tomato and Baby tomato.
Baby tomato starts lagging behind and Papa tomato gets really angry.
He walks back to Baby tomato, squishes him and says: “Ketchup!”

 

What does a hot super model have in common with this joke?
You don’t get it.

 

The great thing about democracy…
….is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid

 

True Happiness

An Englishman, an Italian, and a Russian are discussing life. The Englishman says, “True happiness is when you have beautiful summer day and you are having a picnic with a beautiful woman who loves you.”

The Italian says, “No, no. True happiness is when you spend a night of passion with a beautiful woman and it is so good that you realize when you are done the sun is already up and you have made love all night.”

The Russian says, “You are both wrong. True happiness is when you are asleep at 3AM. You hear a knock on the door and a man says, ‘Ivan Ivonovitch. Is secret police! Come out at once!’ and you reply ‘Ivan Ivonovitch lives next door.'”

 

Why didn’t the teacher break wind in front of other people?
Because he was a private tooter

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash…

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost. “It’s all free,” Peter replied. “We are in heaven, after all.”

Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.

Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: “How much are the green fees?”
“It’s free!” came the reply.

Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world’s different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.

“How much do we have to pay for two?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand, yet?!” Peter replied, exasperated. “It’s all free, you’re in heaven!”

“Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won’t have too many calories, will it?” the old man asked, looking quite worried.
“That’s the best part of heaven,” Saint Peter said, excitedly. “You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won’t gain a single gram!”

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife. “This is all your fault!” he screamed! “If it weren’t for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Thirteen Tries at Humor. Did I Get Any Chuckles? Good, I Win!

I got pulled over by a policeman…
He came to the window and said papers…
I said ‘scissors, I win!’ and drove off!
He must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been chasing me for ages!

 

Restaurant Order

A resident in a hotel breakfast room called the waiter to his table.

“I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so overcooked, it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm.”

“That’s a complicated order, Sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult to prepare.”

The guest replied, “Oh? But that’s what I got yesterday!!”

 

A barber gives a haircut to a florist one day. The florist goes to pay and the barber says “This one is on me, pay it forward.”
The next day, the barber finds a dozen roses on his doorstep.

Pleased, the barber gives a baker a haircut and tells him the same thing, pay it forward.
The next day he finds a dozen doughnuts on his doorstep.

The barber decided to keep it up and when a lawyer comes in for a haircut he tells him no charge, pay it forward.
The next day he finds a dozen lawyers on his doorstep waiting for a haircut.

 

As a kid, I used to stick my tongue out to flirt with girls. My parents disapproved.
As an adult, the girl’s parents disapprove.

 

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.

 

I just cancelled my gym membership
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

 

A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama.
Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.
Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says “Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?”
She smiles and says, “Yale.”
He says, “YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

 

A man does and goes to heaven

He meets god and asks him “What is the meaning of life?”
“Well, if I told you, it’ll ruin the joke”

 

A woman lying on her death bed wanted all to know she was a virgin….

She asked that her headstone would forever read: ‘Born a virgin, lived a virgin and died a virgin’.
When the stonemason was making her headstone, he ran out of space so just carved: ‘Returned unopened’.

 

A Job selection interview

Job Interviewer: So, what makes you qualified? What jobs have you worked in the past?
Me: I have worked for a multi billionaire company that sends fresh foods to the local community.

JI: Really? That sounds extremely rewarding! What company is it?
Me: Dominos.

 

What do you call someone who only likes people with 10 toes?
Lack toes intolerant.

 

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Especially when you aim for his head.

 

Man answers the phone: “Hello sir, this is a short survey. What is your name?
“Adam”

And your wife’s?
“Eve”

Ha! That’s funny..does the snake lives there too?
“Yes one moment. Honey, get your mom please…”

Child’s Play

I got a good solid laugh out of this one, in fact I could have seen myself doing this as a wee brat.  Enjoy!
Child’s play

When one of his employees didn’t show up to work one day without phoning in, his boss called his home phone number, and was greeted with a child’s whispered “Hello?”

The boss asked “Is your Daddy home?” to which the small voice replied “Yes”.
The man asked “Can I please speak to him?”, but to his surprise, the small voice whispered “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked “What about your Mommy, is she there?”
“Yes”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “no”.

Growing a bit concerned, the boss asked “Is there anyone there besides you?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”?
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked “Why are they there?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
“They’re looking for me!”

How About Some Short Jokes, Folks?

A customer walks up to the fish counter in a supermarket where a red-headed gentleman is serving
He asks him, “got any flat fish mate?”
The fishmonger replies, “na, we run out this morning”
“I should have guessed” replied the customer, “ginger’s got no sole”

A man goes to a halloween party in nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.
His friends see him and ask,”Hey man, what are you meant to be?”
He replies, “I’m a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh, that’s just Michelle.”

Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

My girlfriend caught the bride’s bouquet
I don’t know how are we going to date if she’ll get married…

Why did the robot see a psychiatrist?
Because he had metal health problems…

I was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay..
So I just submitted a picture instead.

Why do old hippies drink Honest Tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

How does a one celled organizim say goodbye to it’s friends?
“adios amoebas!”

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

Officer: “….How high are you?”
Stoner: “No officer….it’s hi how are you!”

The electron asked the photon “Did you pack your bags?”
The photon said, “No, I’m traveling light”.

What do you call a magic dog?
A “Labracadabrador”

What do Germans water their gardens with?
Lederhosen