I was washing a car with a friend until he said “Can you use a sponge?”

This deal with the jokes on the weekend… At least this joke. It had me laugh out loud, over the noise of the dishwasher.

I’ve always liked jokes and comedy. It was a bone of contention with my mother since in those days we had one big TV and smaller ones in the Bedrooms. The thing was, it was always better to watch things on the big TV. So since she wanted to watch her cop dramas, we’d have to “discuss” things and share.

Remembering those evenings, I think I was being given the benefit of the share more nights than I wasn’t.
The police came to my door today and told me that they had to take my dog to court.

At first, I refused, but when they showed me the warrant, I was forced to let them take him.
I couldn’t believe it! My precious pit, going to court!

“How long is this going to take?” I asked.

The officer replied, “Well, if he’s a good boy, it shouldn’t take too long. But if he’d been a good boy in the first place, this conversation wouldn’t be happening.”

I was still confused. I watched the officer walk back to his car and get in before I found my voice again. I ran to the car and asked the cop, “But what did he do? Why is he being brought into court?”

He looked at me, an uncaring look on his face, as he said, “Unpaid barking tickets.”

I just crossbred a crocodile with a homing pigeon. I guess that will come back to bite me

I have always said “The basis for humor is a hard right turn off of the trail that logic has planned.”

There are whole series on American TV that lasted for years where the story line or the jokes were based on that.

Beverly Hillbillies is a perfect example of this. It lasted 9 years until the “Rural Purge” by CBS “kicked anything with a tree” off the air.

CBS Made a huge mistake, it’s still being run on syndication to this day, at least here in South Florida.

 
This little story is a perfect example of that kind of humor so hold onto your shrubbery.

The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

“Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to…..”

“Oh, there’s no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Jones cut in.

“You have?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

“That’s exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.

“You just leave everything to me,” he replied. “Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for George and me,” stated Mrs. Jones.

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Jones.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

“Don’t I know!” exclaimed Mrs. Jones.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area,” he proudly declared.

“Oh my word!” Mrs. Jones exclaimed.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with,” he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.

“She was difficult?” Mrs. Jones asked.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.

“Yes,” said the photographer. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

“You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?” Mrs. Jones asked.

“That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”

“Tripod?” asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action.”

“Madam, madam? Good Lord, she’s fainted!”

Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don’t work!

As someone who does “Board Level Repairs” on electronics, I know to always keep myself grounded, and always keep myself insulated from any risk of electric shock.

The other week when I was up in my attic installing a TV Antenna so I can get Over The Air TV without a cable, I was a bit uncomfortable. The place that I stuck my fat head into had conduits on two sides. Luckily it was all well insulated.

Then again there’s always an engineer around to give you plenty of unwanted advice.

 

An engineer who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set.

He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success.

He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing.

The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn’t think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it.

His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris.

It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.

Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that “It’s not vaultage that kills you, it’s the current!”

An old cannibal saying: “The more you eat, the lonelier you get.”

I can imagine being alone on an island. Even one with as many people around you as this town. On the other hand, having three people with you might be worse. Just think of it. Three people sitting there trying to keep each other company and probably getting tired of the same stories and so on.

But when a genie is involved, there’s always a chance for some silliness to ensue.

 
Three guys have been stranded on an island for several years.

One day, they come across a genie bottle. After rubbing it, a genie appears and says he only has three wishes to give, so each of the three guys will only get one wish.

The first guy says, “I really want to get back home, but when I get back home I want to have millions of dollars, live in a big mansion, and have a smoking hot wife.”

The Genie says, “Wish granted.” And poof, the first guy is instantly sent back home with his new wealth.

The second guy says, “I too really want to get back home, and when I get back home I also want to have millions of dollars, a large mansion, and a smoking hot wife.”

The Genie says, “Wish granted.” And poof, the second guy is instantly sent back home with his new wealth.

The third guy after seeing his two buddies disappear says to the genie, “Ah man, this island is going to get lonely being here all by myself. I wish my two friends were still here.”

Two antennas were married. The wedding was terrible but, the reception was great.

At home I have a ludicrous amount of projects. One of those is “cord cutting” – I’m planning on stopping cable soon, so that Antenna in the topic is screwed into a 2×4 up in my attic.

Yes, folding someone who is arguably the tallest person on the block into an “entry hatch” was comical.

Up there in that small space, I especially enjoyed having some electrical conduit less than a finger length from my own fat head. But I can watch TV out of West Palm Beach and Miami so it’s all worth all that engineering.

 

Which brings me to this story…
An engineer who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set.

He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success.

He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing.

The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn’t think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it.

His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris.

It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.

Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that “It’s not vaultage that kills you, it’s the current!”

I attached all my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time.

Today it’s a Two-Fer. I have two short stories that made me chuckle again today even though I read them when I formatted them in my little text file I keep here with Jokes.

And of course, I have to share.
It’ll grow on you.

One day a man was walking through the woods. He had spent the entire day working hard in order to earn enough money for his wife and children.
He was sore, tired, and most of all he was extremely hungry because he was so focused on working that he didn’t even eat lunch.

As the day drug on, he began to feel weak. So much, in fact that he lost all strength and fell to the ground.

It was then and there, beneath the leaves and grass, that this man found a mushroom, and to his delight it was edible!
This mushroom was so delicious and amazing, that it changed this man’s whole life. And do you know what that mushroom was?

The Morel of this story!

 

 

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

The boy keeps repeatedly saying,” If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf.…”
“If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick.
If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer.
If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.”

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, “What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?”

The boy responds, “Then I’d be a bus driver.”

Where did the mango go? I don’t know, the mango goes where the mangoes

Mmm Mangoes! As I looked over my shoulder and out back and looked at the tree that I ‘hacked back’ three weeks ago.

It did help. Now it’s growing crazy. Hopefully that will translate into more fruit, that’s a really sweet tree!

 

 

A young man decides to move out of the country.

He has a problem though, because his cat is left with no one to care for it, and his mother, old and frail, cannot even take care of herself.

He decides to leave it in the hands of his neighbor, an old woman. He thanks her for taking responsibility and leaves.

One week later he calls.

“Hi, how are you doing?” He asks.
“Fine thank you.” She responds.

“How’s the cat?”
“Oh, he fell off the roof and died.” She deadpans.

The man is extremely irritated, and says “Just like that? After I groomed him, fed him, and took care of him for 6 years? Now I call you and you tell me just like that?” She shrugs.

“At least make it slower, one day tell me he is on the roof, the next day tell me he fell off, the next day tell me his is injured, and the day after that that he is dead. Pacing woman!”

Sighing deeply, he asks slowly “how is my mother?”
“On the roof, she responds.”