An octogenarian couple were peddling their tandem bicycle. The perfect definition of fossil fuel.

As I go through things, I look to see if I can find something that genuinely makes me laugh.

Not too long, not too short, and not too lewd.

I have that “Has to be able to be told on TV rule” although really since TV is getting edgier by the day, it should be “Has to be able to be told in First Grade”.

This one here, is probably too long but it makes all the other bullet points.

Since I need another Coffee this Sunday morning, here it is.

 

How Time Flies

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

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Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

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Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.

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Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

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Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

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Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

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Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

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Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

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Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster? Because they’re a little shellfish.

Once Upon a Time I worked in a small insurance company in Jenkintown PA. My direct boss told me this joke, which was really quite odd. He was an older, probably old before his time, humorless man who was extremely religious and extremely uptight.

Aren’t they all?

So, there I was standing in an over-lit computer room hearing this man tell me this joke over the fans and the printers.

I guess he wasn’t really all that uptight.

 

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” and I felt really special.

Then, she asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” and I replied ”Okay!”

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling,, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked!!!

 
Only because this fits well with the next one it’s Two-Fer Time!

 
Husband stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced

“From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want!

Afterwards you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied,”The funeral director would be my first guess”

Why should you always hang out your laundry? Otherwise it’s launwet.

His Eminence

A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened the newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well, I’ll be hornswaggled,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry.

I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because his mom and dad were in a jam!

It was time for the annual bug convention

And all the bugs were getting together and having a good time. The bees were discussing pollinating flowers, the dung beetles were discussing how to properly move dung, the earth worms how to improve soil, etc.

Well, the lady bugs were having a good time when one of them noticed the house flies doing something odd. They would stand together in a group when one would fly off and return, causing the others to laugh and cheer. This confused the lady bug and so he asked the others what they were doing.

“Oh they do this every year. They’re timing how long it takes to fly from one end of the building to the other,” she said.

“But why are they laughing so much? What’s so great about that?” the other asked.

“Don’t you know?” the other ladybug began. “Flies time when they’re having fun.”

How About a Bunch of Fifteen One Liners?

Not that this blog is setting the world on fire, but I do have some friends that keep sending me one line jokes.

Those Dad Jokes that I use as titles for these weekend joke posts.

Suitable for all audiences.

I have a file on my desktop on my main Debian Linux Computer that I keep them and when I need one, cut, paste, publish.

I don’t really understand Number 6 but here you go!
“Get Thee to a Punnery”

  1. Review of the new Mary Poppins themed restaurant: Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.
  2. Never try to teach a pig to play basketball – he’ll just hog the ball.
  3. I swallowed a laxative with holy water – I’m about to start a religious movement.
  4. I once had a job at an eyeglass store but I quietly quit. I didn’t want to make a spectacle.
  5. I nearly bought a hill today, but it was a bit too steep.
  6. The frog’s DNA test revealed that he was a tad Polish.
  7. Some people think my puns are juvenile. I prefer to think of them as full groan.
  8. I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected”
  9. It was raining cats and dogs. There were poodles all over the road.
  10. The state police highway officer worked tirelessly in the heavy rain to assist a lady whose car was stuck in a ditch. He was a real trooper.
  11. What does a spy do in the rain? He goes undercover
  12. I once had a job prospecting for gold, but it didn’t pan out.
  13. I just got a new job at a guillotine factory… I’ll be headed there shortly.
  14. While was sitting on a bench I noticed a really foul odor – then I realized it was a pew.
  15. Athenians hate mornings because Dawn is tough on Greece.

What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music.

I can remember sitting in the big chair when I was a kid and watching all those old sit-coms from the decades before. There was a running gag in a lot of them about relationships that had me scratching my head.

This particular joke reminds me of one of those plots. Married couple, relationship has gone stale, and instead of talking they’re using a mediator to do what they should do themselves.

With a twist.

The moral of the story? Don’t watch old sit-coms.

 

 

After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze.

The therapist turns to the husband and says, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

Have you ever read something and had to read it twice before you got it?

Well this isn’t one of them. It’s just a bit strange.
A boy named Tommy Bought a horse…

from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”