A man goes into a jewelry store on his lunch hour to buy his mistress a necklace.
After looking at a few, he decides on a very expensive diamond pendant.
“Is this for your wife?” the clerk asks as she wraps it in the finest paper.
The man turns to see his wife entering the store, out on her daily errands, and replies to the clerk, “It is now.”
I want to invest in massage parlors
I’ve heard that their turnover rate is pretty high.
Nah, bakeries are on the rise.
Selling, like, hotcakes. And their turnover rate can be even higher.
I mean, there’s a lot of dough in it.
I’m just rolling with what the stocks tell me.
I had all these puns just baking in my head.
Now I can have pizza mind.
A farmer sees a boy walking down his drive with something in his hand
The farmer says “boy what you got in your hand”?
boy says Chicken wire, I’m Gnna catch me some chickens……
farmer says “you can’t catch chickens with that chicken wire….
the boy comes walking back after a bit…
has 6 chickens in the chicken wire…
Next day..farmer sees the boy…”boy what you got in your hands”?
Boy says “Duct Tape” Gonna go catch me some ducks….
farmer says “boy you can’t catch no ducks with that”….
the boy comes walking back after a bit….has 8 ducks wrapped in the duct tape…
Next day…farmer sees the boy…”boy what you got in your hands”? Boy says “Pussy Willows”….farmer says “hold on, let me get my hat”
The kid comes back later with about a dozen cats and one very disappointed old man.
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant…
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering “That poor old couple — all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they’re just fine — they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers… “THE TEETH.”
I was at the mall yesterday and there was a girl with a really tight t-shirt that said: “Guess”.
I’m thinking that “Implants” was the wrong thing to say…
A student walks into a bar
He sulks into the nearest stool. The bartender comes over and asks “What’s wrong, did you fail a test?”
The Student looks up at him and says “Yeah, I want to be a lawyer, but I went straight from my BAR exam to here because I knew I failed and I feel like drinking my problems away.”
The bartender felt sorry for the kid, but refused to serve him, saying “I don’t serve people when I know they’re bar hopping.”