Father O’Malley Answers The Phone

Father O’Malley Answers the phone…

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”
“It is.”
“This is the IRS. We’d like to ask you a question.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“Do you know a Mr. Michael O’Donohue?”

“I do.”
“Is he a member of your flock?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $20,000 to the church?”
“He will.”

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$5.37 – Humor

Lately Velma has been sharing quite a few jokes, some I can use here, others I pass along to selected friends.   You know, keeping it safe for work and all that.  I do have to wonder what my dear friend is trying to tell me though with all these old fogie jokes?  I’ll have to get my reading glasses out and see what she is saying here. 

$5.37

Age gracefully it’s the only acceptable way out…….. 
Can any of you identify with this?  CERTAINLY NOT ME ….
If you have seen it before, it is still good for a chuckle.

Stuff like this can happen to anyone with a few years on their bones.

$5.37! That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a  five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change  when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever  said to me. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68” he said cheerfully.  I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.  Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?” I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I  began to rationalize in my mind!   “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”  I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now? I checked my keys  and tried another. Still nothing.  That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.  Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my  life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.  I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,  and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”

All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.  Elmo had no clue. I  walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged  on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.  He offered these kind words:  “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”  All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.  The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other “old fogies” on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

Five Minute Management Course – Humor

Velma came through for us today with some management humor.  Yeah, you know those dry and sometimes humorless people with offices that have doors and usually a window?   Well here’s how they tend to view the world.  

Or so they say…

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the  Bahamas  , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch..’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say..

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull.
They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull S___ might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who messes on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of mess is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep mess, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Dear God: It’s me, the Dog

I was going through the jokes that people have sent me over the last few months and spotted this one right after I got the Sad Brown Eyes Look from Mrs Dog.   Awww Cuuute!

Thanks to Diane, I have a response.

Dear God: It’s me, the Dog

Dear God: Is it on purpose that our
names are spelled the same, only in reverse?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit
on your couch? Or will it be the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after
the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE
named for a Dog? How often do you
see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car
ride! Would it be so hard to rename
the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off
in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human
verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee
flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs,
less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Here is a list of just some of the things I must remember
to be a good Dog:

1. I will not eat the cat’s food before he eats
it or after he throws it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s
underwear when he’s on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone’s
crotch is an unacceptable way of saying ‘hello’.

8. I don’t need to suddenly stand
straight up when I’m under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house – not after.

10. I will not come in from outside,
and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living
room, and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’,
so when I play with him and he makes that noise,
it’s usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven,
may I have my testicles back?

How’s Your Day Going?

Have you ever had “One Of Those Days” where everything goes wrong?   In this case, maybe it’s everything going right.   Strangers can make your day! 

Thanks Velma!

How’s Your Day Going?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”, he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

Nag Nag Nag – Humor

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

When you stop laughing, send this to a friend!!!

One for Breast Cancer Awareness Month – Hanging by One Boob

Physical exams are not fun. Usually they manage to make us feel like a piece of meat no matter what is being poked and prodded, but they’re needed.

So next time, Ladies, when you go to the Gynecologist think of this particular story…

Hanging By One Boob

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, “Your Honor, I’m guilty but…..there were extenuating circumstances.”

The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.” I did too soooo…… I listened as the lady told her story.

“Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?”

I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.”
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?” Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.” Then she headed for the door.

“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “maintenance men Extraordinaire” found me…half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how’s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.”

“OK, you take care now” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….”

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said “Case Dismissed”.