How many birds does it take to change a light bulb? Toucan do it.

Ahhh…

age will get us all…. Momento Mori!

 

 

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard, when the boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole…

He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole!”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.

He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.

The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your Grandma.”

 

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If a three-legged cow is called lean beef, and a no-legged cow is called ground beef, what do you call a two-legged cow? Your mom

Many may need a map for this one. I got a laugh knowing the lay of the land somewhat.

 

The hare and the tortoise

The hare and the tortoise were having a rematch. This time, they decided to race through Europe, starting with London. The plan was to race to Dover, get the ferry across, and go along the French coast, across Belgium, Germany, and head north through Denmark.

The hare figured that his fur would keep him warm, so he decided to keep going north through Scandinavia, assuming it’d get too cold for the tortoise who would give up.

The tortoise had everything he needed stored in his shell, so he was prepared for the cold since the shell was his home.

They eventually get to Sweden, and the hare is struggling. He doesn’t want to risk falling asleep this time, so he decides to hitch hike in a lorry. The lorry is headed to the ferry port towards St Petersburg.

The next day on the ferry, the Hare receives a text message from the tortoise saying he’s won, and asking where the hare is. Confused as they still have the rest of Europe to cover, the hare asks for proof. The tortoise replies back with a picture of himself at Harparanda with the caption: “see? I’m at the Finnish line!”

Some guy just tried to make a chemistry joke. He got no reaction.

Unfaithful Husband

A wife was beginning to suspect that her husband had become unfaithful, coming home at odd hours of the night with the excuse that he was out playing cards with friends.

One night the couple had plans for a masquerade party, but as the husband was getting ready the wife mentioned that she was not feeling well and would stay home that night. The husband tried to convince her that she would feel better once she got there but, unable to change her mind, he ended up going by himself.

After about an hour the wife got her costume out and hailed a cab to the party. Her husband had never seen her outfit before so she had the unique opportunity to observe his behavior when she wasn’t around. Upon entering the party she saw him mingling with scantily clad women, flirting, and being friendlier than she was comfortable with. Rather than ousting him in the moment, she hung back to see if he would go any further.

After a while the dance floor began to fill up, and she watched as her husband approached several women and began dancing with them in a very vulgar manner, groping several and kissing a few. At this point the wife decided that she would catch him firsthand, and moved to his general vicinity.

As expected, her husband approached her from behind and began grinding and touching her in all ways imaginable. After several minutes she suggested that they go someplace more private, and led him to a pantry where he had is way with her. After he was finished, she told him she needed to freshen up in the bathroom and sneakily exited the party, heading home to prepare herself for the confrontation that would take place when he returned.

After a few hours her husband came home. As he approached their bed, she pretended to wake up. “How was your night?” she asked, ready to catch him in his lie.

“It was a great night,” replied the husband. “But I’m beat and need to get some rest.”

“Before you go to bed, may I ask if you did anything you shouldn’t have at the party?”

“The party was actually pretty boring by myself, so I ended up catching a bus to play cards with the guys soon after arriving. As luck would have it, my driver was just about to get off his shift so I lent him my costume and gave him the address!”

Do you know why I don’t eat at Applebees or Chilis? Because I’m old enough to microwave my own food.

Ahh, just love laughing at out of control situations like this… how about you?

 

 

Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

What does WebMD have in common with the rest of the internet? They think everything is cancer.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room said, “Yeah, right.”

 

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothing, just an allergy. This happens all the time,” the first cop says.

“But someone died,” the owner replies.

The second cop retorts “Yeah, it’s just another nut case.”

Friends help you move. Good friends help you move bodies. Really good friends help you clean your toilet.

Now, There’s a ridiculous title for a joke posting!

Once there was a set of triplets separated at birth

One was named Juan, another was named James, and the third was named Ahmal. They all grew up in their own paths, although there were some similarities where James was the odd one out despite not knowing it. Juan and Ahmal both grew up to be doctors, for instance, while James grew up to be a successful businessman. James was also the only one to not have children; Juan and Ahmal both had 3.

Well, at some point James found out he was a member of a set of triplets. He did some research, made some calls, and did DNA tests. He found out who his brothers were and decided to try and track them down with the help of an assistant who claimed to have known both brothers. James told the man he wanted to meet both brothers within a year, and the man, hesitatingly, obliged.

About 6 months into their journey, James was relieved to finally hear the words, “Well… Juan works at this hospital. Good luck.” He got out of the car and walked towards the hospital, a surreal experience. He goes in, asks to see Juan, and waits. After about 15 minutes, Juan comes out and the brothers reunite at last. They spend the afternoon together catching up, and at long last James lets him get back to work.

That night he goes out to the car. The assistant says, “Are you ready to go home now?” James is astonished. He reminds the man of his promise to let him meet both his brothers, not just one. The man sighs and says, “Come on, man… if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Ahmal.”

 

April Fools Day Dad Jokes!

The thing about April Fools Day is I have always called it Amateur Day. People smearing peanut butter on door knobs, pranks done left and right, and websites doing annoying things in the name of fun.

Well it’s also a Sunday and my own brand of bad jokes are expected. Oddly they get read as much the Wednesday posts that I try to keep fresh and relevant, and not repeat myself.

At least I try not to. Once in a while… after all there are only so many times I can refer to the same thing.

 

At any rate, here’s your Dad Jokes for the day. A couple for the road…

 

A frog wanted to know about his future and goes to meet an oracle. The oracle prophesied that in his future, he will be touched by a beautiful lady.

 

The frog grew curious and wanted to know when and where it would happen, to which the Oracle replied, ‘next year, in a Biology lab’!

 

 

Karen met a magician …..

 

Magician: “Think of a card, any card.”

Karen: “OK”

 

Magician: “Visualize it in your mind.”

Karen: “OK”

 

Magician: “Is it the King of Hearts?”

Karen: “No”

 

Magician: “Is it the Ace of diamonds?”

Karen: “No”

 

Magician: “What is it then?”

Karen: “My husbands Credit Card!!..

 

 

Two football players are practicing…

One asks the other: “Do you want the ball?”

The other one answers: “No thanks, I’ll pass.”

 

And finally for today …

 

My friend keeps trying to cheer me up.

He keeps saying “Cheer up, man! It could be worse! You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.