Two tomatoes were crossing a road when one of them suddenly got run over by a truck. Then the other tomato said: come on ketchup, lets go.

As I write this, I’m passing on breakfast to go out to lunch later with a very good friend, indeed. I guess I’m hungry, so here’s a food related joke.

 

 

Three chefs had operated a successful restaurant for many years thanks to the deeply popular specialty dishes that each of the chefs were known for.

The first chef was a master of searing beef and her exceptional skills landed her the nickname “T-Bone.”

Her sister preferred a lighter approach and was better known for working with flakey, white-fleshed fish: tilapia, cod, haddock. But her specialty, the pickerel, landed her a nickname of her own: Walleye, another name for the fish that had driven so many sales, especially during Lent.

The youngest chef was a bit more wild and experimental. He loved habaneros, Carolina reapers, anchos. If it was full of capsaichin, it ended up in his dish. He especially loved to add this young peoples’ gambit as a twist to classically “old people” foods, resulting in strange menu listings such as the Ghost Pepper Liver & Onions, the Habanero Bread Pudding, or the Chipotle Green Bean Casserole. Only the bravest diners found themselves ordering these spicy plates, but it added a challenging dimension to an otherwise standard-fare menu. His love for the heat earned him his simple nickname: Chili.

But there was a problem. A smarmy new French restaurant had opened down the street and they were recieving quite a bit of hype over their menu: duck breast with blueberry demi-glaze.
Slow-roasted pheasant. Smoked goose. These were fatty, rich delicassies that delighted the tastebuds and the three chefs had to do something lest they continue bleeding out sales.

So, they decided to add a new spin to the menu: black-throated loon that had been cooked long and slow in a slurry of red wine, vinegars, brines, and lemon juice.
Unfortunately, the new menu item did not go over well. Perhaps it was because the loon was not considered a food-animal by the general population or perhaps the flavors were just off.

To find answers, the young chefs sent out surveys to their customers. They got only one very short, straight-forward response from an old regular:

T-Bone, Walleye, & Chili: Don’t go braising waterfowls. Please stick to the livers and the steaks that you’re used to.

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My parents told me ANYONE could become president. I didn’t know it was a warning.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, ‘There’s no charge.’

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the mortician says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

Don’t live backwards. It’s evil.

Men Will Try Anything!

 

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. ‘I’m afraid not, sir,’ the clerk told him apologetically, ‘but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.’

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures, $20.00’. ‘Why not?’ thought the salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, ‘This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.’

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit….. which now had a button sewn neatly on the end!

Roses are gray, violets are gray, everything is gray. I’m a dog.

From my friend John H. on FB

Sounds like a RamblingMoose story …..

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

What do you call a disrespectful chicken? A rudester.

 

Diogenes’ thug Life

Plato was discoursing on his theory of ideas and, pointing to the cups on the table before him, said while there are many cups in the world, there is only one `idea’ of a cup, and this cupness precedes the existence of all particular cups.

“I can see the cups on the table,” said Diogenes, “but I can’t see the ‘cupness’”.

“That’s because you have the eyes to see the cup,” said Plato, “but”, tapping his head with his forefinger, “you don’t have the intellect with which to comprehend `cupness’.”

Diogenes walked up to the table, examined a cup and, looking inside, asked, “Is it empty?” Plato nodded. “Where is the ’emptiness’ which precedes this empty cup?” asked Diogenes.

Plato allowed himself a few moments to collect his thoughts, but Diogenes reached over and, tapping Plato’s head with his finger, said “I think you will find here is the ’emptiness’.

Did you hear the one about the speed bump and the cymbal? Ba-dum, tish.

Seems to me that both of these are old Borscht Belt jokes, but who am I to judge?

A midwife calls a doctor

“Doctor she’s been in labor for 36 hours we need to do a c section.” “Not so fast,” says the doctor “there’s one more thing to try”

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says “what do you call maids in space.”

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says “Vacuum cleaners”

Upon hearing this joke the woman cringes so hard that she expels the healthy crying baby.

Relieved the new mother says “Thank you doctor but that’s the worst joke I ever heard”

The doctor smiled and said “the punchline sucks but the delivery was perfect”

What vegetable is always burnt? Chard.

After having spent time emptying the dishwasher, making coffee, making dog food, of course I am thinking about making breakfast.

Just like this wonderful lady!

The Drunk Man comes home at 3am completely wasted.

Staggering into everything he knocks over the tv, breaks all of the china, and passes out on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up tucked into bed, with a rose and an I love you note beside the bed.

The man walks cautiously into the kitchen, where he smells bacon and eggs being cooked. He cautiously sits at the table and tells his wife good morning.

With a huge smile on her face she asks if he would like 2 pieces of bacon or 4 this morning.

The man says 4 please. But what happened last night?

The wife proceeded to tell him what happened…

Wife: Well you walked in drunk at 3am.. You broke our tv.. destroyed our china… and passed out on the floor.

Husband: Then why are you treating me so well this morning!?

Wife: Well, when I went to pull your pants off to bring you to bed.. You were kicking and screaming.. telling me NO NO, I’m married!

TV: $150 … China $450 … Saying the right thing at the right time… Priceless!