What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.

This “hole” one came out of left field. Or rather, it ended up that way because I wasn’t expecting the ending on it at all.

 
A man is walking in the forest and finds a GIANT hole in the ground…

Wanting to see how deep it is, he finds a small stone and throws it in

He listens for it to land but doesn’t hear anything…

“Geez that’s deep” he thinks, and begins looking for for an even bigger stone to try with

He finds a good sized boulder and tosses it in..

Once again, he doesn’t hear anything

Dumbstruck he looks around and finally he finds this huge log which he manages to lug over and push in

While he’s listening for it to land, all of the sudden, this goat comes running like a bat out of hell and runs right past him and jumps right in the hole!

Shaken, scared, and feeling like he’s in the Twilight Zone, the man runs out of the forest

As he’s walking out, he comes across a farmer..

“Hey, just so you know, there is an absolute abyss in those woods back there” the man tells the farmer

“Never mind that, have you seen a goat by chance?” the farmer asks

“Uhhh, yes, as a matter of fact I did. In fact this goat ran as fast as you would ever imagine and jumped right in that hole I was talking about!!”

“Nah, that couldn’t have been my goat”, says the farmer.

“My goat was tied to a log”

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What would a pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye matey!”.

Hey?  Wasn’t Talk Like A Pirate Day the other day?  Arrrr!

 

I own a series of vending macines

You know, in parks and stuff, you can get a coke, ginger ale, fanta, etc.

Business was going really well, so well I had to hire a guy to help. Right after I hired him though, sales plummeted.

Trying to figure out why, I went to a few of my machines. The snacks were fine, but the drinks had a weird noise coming from them, like a wailing, crying. It was disconcerting, and I didn’t blame people for not buying.

The next month was terrible. I spent thousands having techs look at the machines, switching out the cans, nothing worked. Sales plummeted more, and I didn’t have any answers.

At the end of my rope I decided to follow my new guy around as he restocked the machines. I found out every machine he would go to, he JAMMED as many cans and bottles as he could in, filling the machines to the brim. I finally found the problem.

When you squeeze coke, fanta and ginger ale in the machines so tight, of course they start crying-

They become soda pressed.

My friend: What Rhymes With Orange? Me: It Doesn’t.

I’m not certain whether I posted this one before so I added a short one at the bottom in case I did!

A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond…

…and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught.
The warden opens the fishermen’s cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish.
The warden tells the man he has too many fish and he is going to cite the fishermen.
The fishermen says “No, you see these are my pet fish. I didn’t catch them I called them to me”.
The warden doesn’t believe the guy, and so the fishermen tells the warden he will show him.
The guy dumps the cooler of fish in the water.

The warden waits a minute and says to the guy “ok now call the fish back”. … “What fish?”

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this, I’m a United States Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”

What do you call a failed astronaut? A cosmo-NOT!

The Red Indian chief just died right before the winter, after ruling for 40 years. His son became the new chief.

According to the tradition, to prove his worth as the leader, he has to correctly speculate how cold would be the winter this year.

With his guidance, people will gather right amount of wood for the whole winter season before it starts.

 

So, in the morning, without knowing what to say, the new chief told everybody that there would be somewhat moderate cold this year, so they don’t need a lot of wood.

Everyone from the village went to the forest to chop the trees and gather wood.

However, the new chief became really nervous about what he said. So he sneaked into the nearest town and bought a small radio to get the local weather forecast.

 

That night, tuning the radio, he heard that the weather guy is saying, this year the winter will be cold and asking everyone to get prepared for it.

Hearing this, the new chief decided to gather some more wood, just to be in the safe side.

 

The next day, he gathered everyone and told them to gather some more, as the winter would be colder than he anticipated earlier.

That night, he again turned on the radio and to his dismay, he found out that now the radio is saying this season will be much colder.

 

So, the next day he asked everyone to chop some more. Again, at night he found out with sheer frustration that the radio is saying, this year the temperature would reach the lowest among the last few years.

So, he told his people to get more wood. This time, he found that the radio is saying, this year the temperature would reach such low that it would break any previous record.

 

Hearing this, he went berserk and stormed to the radio office, and asked the weather guy, what is your problem? Why are you changing the forecast every single day?

The weather guy replied, okay, we actually guess the severity of the winter from the amount of wood the Red Indians gather. This year, they started nice and slow and we broadcasted that it would be a moderate winter, then they increased speed and we assumed it would be a little more cold; but now, now they are cutting down the whole forest!

What do you call a convoy of trucks hauling cheddar? A cheesy pickup line.

Ok, this one here… it is just an evil joke! I really do need to find some different ones.

 

A bus full of senators and deputies crashed and felled down a cliff.

A man happened to be walking by when the accident took place.

The man immediately started to bury all the senators and deputies involved in the accident.

A few minutes later, the police showed up on site.

Cop: What happened?! Where’s everyone?!

Man: I buried them.

Cop: What?! None of them survived?

Man: Well some of them said they were still alive and stuff like that but you know how politicians are, I didn’t believe them.

 

I can’t just let that one be the only joke today so here’s another evil one for you to cringe at!

 

Proposal

A married couple are out one night at a dance club.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”

3 geese hit their headwalk on a metal rod at the Fowl bar. The fourth one ducks.

Joe went on vacation to Cuba and asked his best friend to care of his mom and his cat.
After a week in Cuba, Joe gets a call from his friend.

Joe: Hey what’s up man, how’s everything back home?
Friend: Your cat died.

Joe: What?! You can’t just call me and tell me my cat died.
You could have made a first call and say: “Your cat is stuck in a tree and won’t come down.
Then a second call where you would say: “Your cat broke his foot while trying to come down.”
Finally, you could have made a third call and then said: “Your cat died.”
But on the first call, that’s just too blunt man. Anyways, how’s my mom?

Friend: Your mom is stuck in a tree and won’t come down.

 

On The Other Hand…

I lost my watch at a party once.
Saw a guy stepping on it while harassing a girl.
I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl.. not on my watch

My body-building Italian uncle died…. He pasta whey.

If you are a weightlifter of note… you’ll get that topic.  🙂

 

There was an old town with a haunted graveyard.

Every night at midnight, a coffin would rise out of the ground.

A man moves into the town and everyone warns him not to go through the graveyard at night.

One night he was on a jog late in the evening. It soon started to pour down rain. The man wanted to get home quickly so he cut through the graveyard, despite the warnings.

Soon he hears a loud THUD THUD sound. He turns around to see the coffin rise from the ground and slide toward him. He starts running away, still hearing the THUD THUD sounds.

He turns back to see it catching up with him. He reaches the town and tries desperately knocking on doors to have someone help him. THUD THUD the coffin gets even closer.

He runs to the drugstore and grabs a bottle of cough syrup. And that stopped the coffin