What’s the difference between a divorce and a tornado? Nothing. Someone’s losing a trailer.

Thump… Thump… Thump…

A man is walking home one foggy night, When behind him he hears:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along. He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Faster and faster he goes, until he finally reaches his house. Out of breath, he lets himself in and slams the door shut behind him, locking the deadbolt. He backs away from the door as he hears banging on the other side:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

CRASH!

The coffin bursts through the door, unhinging its lid. The lid swings wildly as it hops after him, and he screams and runs up the stairs.

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

He runs into the bathroom and shuts the door, cowering against the back wall. Again, it rams into the door, smashing it open. The man searches frantically for something to defend himself with. He sees a bottle of cough syrup on the counter and snatches it up.

Desperately, he throws it at the coffin, and…………The coffin stops.

What happens when you play a country song backwards? It gets even more annoying.

(Hmmm, this didn’t go out back in May here, but it did on the Blogger site at http://www.ramblingmoose.com  )

 

Back when the second Bush was president we were … treated to this sort of humor all the time. I do remember a rather “large” comic, Larry The Cable Guy saying something to the effect of “Lord, I do apologize for what I am about to do here” …

just before he was about to tell a joke like this…

And, that’s about all I remembered about Larry The Cable Guy.

… but I do have this one for you.

 
Three new corpses were delivered to the morgue one day, each with a great big smile on his face.
The mortician examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.

“First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.

Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on his face.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

The mortician says, “Ah, this is perhaps the most unlikely of all. Billy-bob, a redneck from Oklahoma, aged 25, struck by lightning”.

“Why’s he smiling, then?”

“He thought he was getting his picture taken”.

I had a great idea for a belt made completely out of watches. I gave up once I realized it would be a waist of time.

Border patrol stops a man on a bike
One day a bicycle rider stops at a border control.

On top of the man’s bike are two bags of powder like substances.

The border control Police demand that he open the bags so they can see what’s inside. When the man did cut the bags open, inside was nothing but sand.

The border control police work and confused but let the man go.

This continued for several weeks with each day, the man rides his bike through border control with two bags of sand which are checked every single time.

After seven weeks, one of the police officers walks up to the man. The police officer tells him “listen, every time we check your bags, there’s nothing in them. Now you seem like a pretty suspicious guy, so come on tell me what you were smuggling”.

The rider leans over…

“bikes”.

Who is married to Antarctica? Uncle-Arctica

So this one here? It’s a two fer.

As I like to try to find some connection, no matter how distant or thin that connection could be… this one reminds me of fathers.

Or at least older guys.

 

 

A man gets in the hotel elevator

He hears a voice say “going up” and looks around, weirded out that he can’t see anyone nearby who would have said that.
But when he chooses his floor, the voice says “door closing” and he realizes it was the elevator talking.

So, after his vacation has ended, he gets into the elevator with his suitcase.
When he pressed the ground floor button, the elevator says “goodbye son”.
The man says “how can I be your son? You’re just a machine.”
And the elevator says “I brought you up, didn’t I?”

—-
There was an eighty year old man who went to the doctor for his annual checkup, and when the doctor finished checking him over, he was amazed and said
“Sir, you have the body of a 40 year old, and the physique of a 20 year old; tell me, what’s your secret.”

The old man replies “Well I have a very good relationship with the lord, so much so, that when I go to the bathroom at night he turns the light on for me.”

Now the doctor was just as shocked as you, and as shocked as me, so he went into the waiting room to tell this mans wife the news.

“Ma’am your husband is in great shape; he has the body of a 40 year old and the physique of a 20 year old, and I asked him how he kept in such good shape and he told me that he has a very relationship with the Lord, so much so that when he goes to the bathroom He turns the light on for him. So I was wondering if you knew anything about that.

The wife replied, “Well that would explain whose been peeing in the refrigerator every night!”

Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard? The barber.

Hmmm… I seem to have forgotten to click the publish button here on the wordpress mirror of ramblingmoose.com . . . Sorry folks, here ya go!  Hope you enjoy!  Monday morning and I need more coffee (wanders off muttering at clouds like Abe Simpson…)

 

 

There’s a sign behind a bar in Alaska…
“Your tab paid if you drink a toe whisky, fight a bear and make love to a Lumber-Jane”

A guy has been drinking all day and realises his tab might be bigger than his wallet so he asks the bartender about the sign.

“Sure, you just drink a big glass of that whisky with the toe in it, giving the toe a nice kiss.

Then we got a bear that come round back and messes with the trash and you gotta send her packing. Finally, Mary-Jane is the girl with arms like Popeye. Seduce her and you tab is paid”

The guy agrees and gets poured the whisky with the toe. In two gulps he manages to drink it all, then fishes out the toe and gives it a kiss.

Dropping the toe back in the bottle, the bartender says “well that’s the first one done. Go see if that bear is around”

Wobbling outside, the man goes round to the trash bins and finds a huge grizzly sniffing around.

“I ain’t watching this” says the barman and heads back inside. Through the window there is the sound of growling, shouting, roaring, screaming, clawing and gnashing for about 30 minutes.

Finally the door opens and the man crawls in. “Alright, where’s this woman I’ve got to fight?”

What’s black and white and goes “oom! oom!”? A cow walking backwards.

I have a habit of playing a game with names. Not with people’s names, they tend to get attached to them. This is with dogs. If I hear a strange word, I consider how it would sound if I was trying to call my dog back to me.

It’s strange enough calling “Rack” back, but he seems to like to be called, regardless.

There was Ubu who used to sit on TV. Things like that.

Then there is this particular guy.

 
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night.
Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.

Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes.
After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.”
Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual.
He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it.

Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.”
The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?”
The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies.
The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?”
The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Some guys will stand 5’8” away from you and call it 6’.

Wow, A Joke in Metric and you don’t even need to know that a Meter is 10 Percent more than a Yard!

 

Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe and sits down and remarks, “Wow, that looked really fun! Can you tell me about your stunts?”

Yeah, of course!” The Frenchman replies. “It’s called bungee jumping- all you need is 10 meters of sturdy rope and you’re set. ”

The Moroccan is delighted to know that he doesn’t need any qualifications and goes to buy some a sturdy rope from a nearby store. After his purchase, he climbs to the top of a mosque, tethers the rope to a secure fastener and jumps. But instead of bouncing up and down, he hits the ground at full speed and dies instantly.

The Moroccan police launch an investigation and detain the Frenchman and the store clerk. The police ask the Frenchman what he taught the Moroccan and the Frenchman says that he was precise in his measurements and doesn’t know how he could have died. “I swear, I told him to get only 10 meters of rope!” he exclaims.

“Oh, Merde!” the clerk suddenly exclaims. “He did ask me for 8 meters of rope, but because I know his cousins, I gave him 5 extra meters for free!”

A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it but I think that’s a bit far fetched.

I guess I am feeling generous because here you have a triple play. Three short jokes.

Ba dum bum bum … er bum?

 

Heavy carry-on

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed.
“No more,” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”

 

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.”Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity.”

“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. “So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife.”

One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'”

 
Mr Carrot was out riding his motorcycle on a beautiful day.
Suddenly a car cuts in front of him and he goes flying off his bike. A few hours later Mrs Carrot gets a call from the hospital. “Mrs. Carrot, this is Dr. Carrot, and I’m calling you to let you know that your husband got into a terrible accident.”

“Oh my gosh, no! Is he ok?” she asks

“Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the good doctor says.

“What’s the good news?” she asks.

“He’ll live” the doctor replies.

“So, what’s the bad news” she inquired.

“Well, he wasn’t wearing a helmet and he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life”

I tried giving a giant a pedicure. It was no small feat.

Any time I find a good story I like it. The more Double Entendres, double meanings, I can find, the better.

 

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, “Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she’s in Grade 4”.

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless.

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: OH MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo!

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!”

An aspiring thief entered a play. He stole the spotlight.

I remember when I was very small there were a lot of programs on the TV about crime. I guess the lingering memories about the Mob Era in Chicago kept those pot boilers simmering along.

On the other hand, everybody loves laughing at someone who is a bit clueless.

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf and mute . When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”