The floor was so dusty that it seemed to be suffering from sweep deprivation.

This reminds me of that sketch The Head Detective on In Living Colour.

 

This kid was born with no neck and no body….

So, for his 21st birthday, his dad takes him to the local watering hole to celebrate.

“Give my son the best drink you can make”, said the dad.

So, the boy consumed the drink, and a neck started to grow under his chin.

The father was amazed, and ordered a second drink for his son. The son drank it, and shoulders started to grow.

The father continued to order that drink, and the son drank each of them, until the son had a normal body.

“Hey, lets get you one more. You might get a body part no one has ever had before.” So, the son downed one more.

POOF! The kid disappeared.

Crying, the father said to the bartender, “What was in that drink?”

The bartender replied, “I don’t know but he should have stopped while he was ahead.”

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I used to be addicted to eating refrigerated poultry….But I quit cold turkey.

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris…

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age.

Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hearing this, the Americans did some digging and found iron cables and came to the conclusion that they were the first to have telecommunication technology.

Undeterred, the Indians did they own digging under the ancient city of Varanasi but found nothing, they came to conclusion that ancient Indians had wireless technology way before anyone.

 
Not the best J-oak in the world, but it will do just Pine.
Two trees having a conversation in the forest.

One is a birch tree and the other a beech tree. They look down to see a sapling growing from the forest ground and wonder…is that a son of a birch or a son of a beech tree.

A woodpecker lands and the two trees decide to ask, is that a son of a birch or a son of a beech tree?

The woodpecker flys down to the sapling and has a taste, comes back up and says…..

That’s neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech. It’s the best piece of ash I’ve ever tasted.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed an article about peripheral vision.

There was a man named Odd.

He wasn’t sure why his parents had given him that name but it had caused him problems all his life and he never liked it.

As he grew older he grew to like his name even less and one day he was sitting talking with his wife and said “Honey you know that I have never liked being named Odd?”

“Yes”, she replied, “I’ve seen how you’ve hated your name over the years.”

“Well I want you to do me a favor.” he told her. “I’ve had to deal with this name all my life and out of respect for my parents I never changed it but I’ll be darned if I’m going to have this name when I die. When my day comes and you bury me just don’t put anything on my headstone. Leave it blank.”

His wife agreed and they went about their lives for several more years before the man finally passed away. The wife honored his request and had a blank headstone placed on his grave.

To this day people who visit the cemetery look over at the blank headstone and say “That’s Odd”.

Why don’t you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree? Because they’re really good at it.

New CEO

General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $600 a week. Why?” The CEO said, “Wait right here.”

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $2,400 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? Its not the end of the world.

This joke… well there just is no other way. You have to read it with Groundskeeper Willie’s accent from The Simpsons. Glaswegian if I place it quite right. Ach, mon!

A Scotsman decides to make a trip to America for the first time.

When he got there he wanted to do the most American thing he could think of so he went to a baseball game.

He had never seen the sport played before so didn’t really know the rules and was just copying what the crowd was doing.

A batter gets up to plate and hits a grounder right between 2nd and 3rd base and he takes off running.

The crowd yells for the batter to run so the scotsman gets up and yells, “Run ye bastard! Run!” and is met by the approval of the crowd around him.

The Scotsman kept it up and every time he saw a batter making a run to 1st he would get up and yell, “Run ye bastard! Run!”. then a batter comes to the plate and doesn’t swing at 4 wild pitches and starts walking to base.

The Scotsman gets up and tells, “Run ye bastard! run!” and is met by giggles from the crowd around him.

The person in the seat next to him notices his confusion and explains the situation, “He has four balls, he had to walk”.

The Scotsman gets back up and yells, “walk with pride boy! walk with pride!”

I recently went to a vegetarian restaurant and a woman said she recognized me. But I had never met herbivore.

Yep. This one threw me. It kind of came out of left field.

 

Can somebody please tell me how to calm someone down who’s had too much to drink?

At first I asked him if he finished the bottle, and he only got more pissed

I asked him if another one would make him happy, and he just kept screaming.

I jingled his keys in front of him and told him he wasn’t allowed to have them, and he practically ran out of oxygen from yelling.

I told him he should go to bed and he just stomped around trying to be intimidating.

And then the straw that broke the camels back, my wife came home and he tried to grab her breasts.

 

All of this over some stupid formula, nobody told me having a baby would be this tough.

And if life were just this simple, right?
My wife and I wear the same size shoes. We’re solemates.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD but in the correct alphabetical order

I may like this one simply because it’s using my name.

Ok, cute joke too.

 

Bill walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it comes driving by.

He gets into the taxi, and the driver says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Dave.”

“Who?”

“Dave Smith. He’s this guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.”

“There are always a few clouds over everyone,” says Bill.

“Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”

“He was something, huh?”

“He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood.”

“No wonder you remember him.”

“Well, I never actually met Dave.”

“Then how do you know so much about him?” asks Bill.

“I married his widow.”