How do you get your husband to stop looking at your emails? You rename it instructions!

Could not resist that title.
Gerald Posing wanted nothing more then to be a Deacon

It was perfect, right? He could have a family and do good deeds every day.
Posing rushed into seminary the second he got out of high school.
He studied and he studies, and he was top of his class in every subject.
He did not gloat, and he helped people in every way possible.
Sadly, on the day of his anointing, Posing died.

His friends were heartbroken, as were the professors of theology, so they went on his behalf to the pop, who gave Posing the title of honors deacon.
To this day, he is still Deacon Posing

 

 

A Georgia State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Atlanta to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn’t want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Byron got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”

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Why is ‘Dark’ spelled with a k and not a c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Time to tell a story of a far off planet some time in the future. Why in the future? Because we have no way to travel interstellar distances quickly.

After all, there is no intelligent life out there, and sometimes, I wonder if there is any here.

I guess I have to stop watching Science Fiction, huh?
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien’s are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, “where’s the pub?”

The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “just around the corner!”

The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It’s labelled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”

The bouncer replies, “the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”

So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.

“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” The astronaut says.

“I do.” The bartender gurgles back.

“Why is it called the Keyboard?” The man asks.

“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!”

The astronaut is on the edge of his seat…

“The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because… it’s a space bar.”

A cat walks into a bar… And out again, and in again, and out again, and in again

I’m a dog kind of guy, not that I hide that very well.

Thing is that allergies don’t let that change much.

Right now. My boy Rack is being quiet but he is finding his voice.

Of course, after seeing all the viral videos of the Shiba Inu in Japan that knows how to bark softly, I have to try to train him to do that.

A Warning Bark in a “small house” does not have to rattle the china. A simple “woof.” will suffice.

Yeah good luck with that, right? After all, how would you know what he’s barking at if you can’t hear him?

 
A guy posts a sign needing to hire someone that can type 60 wpm, use a computer and is bilingual

This dog walks in”Woof!”

The man says “What? You going to apply for this job?”

The dog says “Woof!” Walks to the sign, grabs it and puts it in the man’s lap.

The man says “Alright…but can you type 60 wpm?”

The dog “Woof!” Walks to the typewriter and commences to typing perfectly, 60 wpm with no errors. The man is impressed and says “There is no way you can operate a computer though.”

The dog “Woof! Woof!” Walks to the computer and operates it perfectly. The man then says “There is no way you are bilingual”

The dog immediately jumps up on the chair, sits on his haunches and goes “MEOW!”

The worst part about being really good at keeping secrets is that… Nobody knows.

We are kind of inundated with ducks here.

Overrun, overpopulated, and overtaxed.

They’re not native, and the naive around here keep feeding them.

Actually they’re feeding the predators by proxy.  A clutch hatches, and since they don’t go very far, you can count how many become a snack for foxes that have moved in as a result.

That is why I would be surprised to hear that one got successful enough to go car shopping.

 

 

A duck walks into a Mercedes dealership, and starts looking at cars.

A salesman approaches and says “can I help you sir”

The duck says “yes, I’m looking for a comfortable, yet fast car”

“Don’t worry” says the duck “I have a well-paid job, and I can afford a Mercedes”

After some time the duck chooses a car and they retire to the salesman’s office to make the purchase.

While the salesman completes the paperwork, the duck produces a large bag, and places it on the desk.

The salesman looks inside the bag, and sees it’s full of feathers.

“What’s this?” says the salesman.

The duck says…..

“It’s a down payment”

Cleavage is like the sun …You can look but don’t stare unless you’re wearing sunglasses

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “the suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the third guy replied.” He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

A Sunday Triple Play

Going through things here, I found three stories, all too short to stand on their own. So here you go, a Triple Play.

It’s easier this way, and besides, the Golden Orb is in the sky and I don’t think it’s going to last this weekend.

Quick, go out and look at the warmth and brightness it brings, safely.

 

 

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks again.

The vendor says “Whoa, man, where did that come from?”

The Buddhist replies “This is my inner piece”.

 

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, “Is the epistemological meta-narrative that you seem to espouse compatible with a teleological account of the universe?”

“That’s an extremely simple question,” he replied. “So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer it.”

 

A guy is showing his friend around his apartment

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.

“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.”
“How does it work?”

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake … it’s 3:30 in the god damn morning!”

I have the memory of a wooly mammoth. It’s like an elephant’s, but a little fuzzy

I keep a list of jokes on a text file on my Linux server’s desktop. I’m sitting here reading this and think… Hmmm, it’s raining, so perfect time for me to post this story.
Or not. You decide, I won’t judge.

 
A man comes to a priest for confession.
Priest: What’s on your mind?

Man: I have a confession.

Priest: Go on.

Man: A few days ago a girl friend of mine asked me to come help her with a plumbing issue. I agreed and came over to help her out. Once I was about to leave she looked outside and saw that it was raining. She convinced me to spend the night, and so we ended sleeping together.

The next day another girl friend of mine asked me to come over and help her with some yard work. Once we were done she noticed that it was raining and convinced me to spend the night. We also ended up sleeping together.

The day after that a guy fiend of mine asked me to come over and help him with some car issues he was having. It started raining and he convinced me to stay the night, so naturally we also slept together.

What should I do?

Priest: Get the hell out of here before it starts raining.