I’m addicted to break fluid. Don’t worry, I can stop at any time.

This kind of story. Well, of course it made me laugh, but a sly laugh. You see, it’s important to listen, no matter who or what you are or what you think you are.

After all someone may just be able to teach you something.
The DEA search an old man’s farm.

A DEA agent rolls up to a farm and speaks to the old farmer: “Sir we have received an anonymous tip off that you may be storing illegal drugs on your property. I have a warrant here to search your entire farm.”

The farmer replies: “This is outrageous! I’m just a poor old man trying to earn a living, I have nothing to do with drugs. Get off my property.”

At this the DEA agent becomes annoyed and pulls out the warrant: “Sir this warrant allows me search this entire property, if you attempt to hinder my investigation, you will be put under arrest.”

The farmer, accepting defeat, replies: “Ok fine, search all you want, I won’t get in your way. Oh, but whatever you do, don’t go into that far field over there.”

The DEA explodes with anger at this, gets right up in the farmer’s face waving his warrant: “I AM AN OFFICER OF THE LAW! THIS WARRANT GIVES ME THE POWER TO SEARCH EVERY INCH OF THIS FARM, AND THAT’S WHAT i’M GONNA DO. NOTHING CAN STOP ME!”

So the farmer gives up and lets the agent carry out his investigation. After some time the agent has searched almost all of the property and found nothing illegal. The only place left to search was the far field the farmer had warned him about. As the DEA agent is walking towards it, the old farmer chimes in again: “Officer I am only saying this for your own good, do not go into that field.”

The DEA agent explodes again: “I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN OLD MAN. I HAVE A WARRANT AND I WILL GO WHERE I WANT!”

The farmer is calm and just replies: “Ok, don’t say you weren’t warned.”

So the DEA agent climbs the fence into the field. He searches around and again finds nothing. Determined not to be defeated, the agent walks to the very far end of the field in hopes of finding something. Seconds later the farmer sees him running back towards him in a massive panic, and the farmer knew exactly why. His massive bull Bruce lived in that field, and he was a grumpy old bull. The DEA agent shouts at the farmer: “HELP! PLEASE HELP ME!”

The farmer shouts over to him: QUICKLY!, SHOW HIM YOUR WARRANT!”

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What is an attempted murder? A very small group of crows.

I have a well earned reputation of liking jokes that are harmless, silly, and full of puns.

This is one of those stories. Then again, it’s also a long one.
A farmer named Carl finds a baby giraffe

A farmer named Carl was driving down the road when he saw a box on the side of the road. Carl pulled over and was shocked to see that inside the box there was a baby giraffe. Carl leaned down and said “holy crap, how did you get here little buddy?”. To his astonishment, the giraffe looked up and said “howdy! my name is Jerry, I’m not sure how I got here”. Carl agreed that he would take Jerry home and try to figure out where he came from and give him a place to sleep for the night.

Carl and Jerry immediately took to each other. It was clear that Jerry has suffered some type of head injury and couldn’t remember anything before Carl picking him up. Over the next few weeks, Carl helped nurse Jerry back to health, and after some deliberation, decided that he would adopt Jerry the giraffe and let him live on his farm with the other animals.

Years went by and Carl and Jerry became the best of friends. On Jerry’s 8th birthday, Carl asked Jerry what he would want to do on his birthday. Jerry decided that he had always wanted to go to the movies. Every time they had thought about going before, they declined going because of, you know, Jerrys large neck blocking everyone’s view. Carl agreed that they would get there early so they could sit in the last row and not disturb any of the other movie goers.

Before going to the movie, Carl brought out a large sheet cake to celebrate Jerry’s birthday. Jerry, who was never allowed to have cake before, immediately ate the entire cake in three quick bites. Carl was bummed that he didn’t get any cake, but cut Jerry some slack because it was his birthday and he had never had cake before. At this point, Jerry had grown quite large and Carl also quickly realized that he should have gotten a bigger cake.

Off to the movies they went, Jerry sitting on a trailer towed behind Carl’s pickup truck. Jerry had to crouch over completely to get through the front door, but just barely made it into the theater lobby. Once in the theater, Jerry got a sudden head rush from all of the sugar in the birthday cake, and began to get dizzy. He spun around several times, and flopped over the popcorn counter nearly crushing the server and breaking the glass candy display in the process.

The manager of the theater came running out after hearing the commotion. The manager looked at Carl and pointing his finger directly at Jerry said, “Sir, does this animal belong to you?”

Carl responded: “Yes, sir. His name is Jerry and this is his first time at the movies”

The manager shook his head and looking over at Jerry said “you will have to pay for a new counter, and you can’t leave that lyin around here”.

Carl replied “Oh sir, that’s not a lyin, it’s a giraffe”

What kind of wine comes in a Box? Cardbordeaux

Yesterday was animals, and so is today. Dogs and Penguins!

Oh and it’s a two-fer since they’re both modestly sized.

 

A man visits the house of a new acquaintance.

In the gate to the yard there is a “Beware of Dog” sign and he starts hearing barks.
He gets in and locks the gate behind him while he hears the barks getting louder.
Looking all around him he can’t see a dog so he goes to the door while the barks seem to get closer.

At the last second he sees a tiny dog where he was just about to step.
Getting in the house he asks his friend “why do you have a “Beware of Dog” sign if the dog is so small”
“Do you know how many people stepped on him before I got the sign?”

 

 

 

So a guy stops at a stop sign and he sees a car full of penguins next to him.

He asks ‘What’s up with all the penguins?’

The other guy answers, ‘I don’t know. I stopped at a light and then all these penguins jumped in my car. I don’t know what to do with them.’

‘Maybe you should take them to the zoo.’

The other guy says ‘That’s a great idea!’ and drives off.

A week later the same guy pulled up to the same light and sees the guy from last week with his car full of penguins again.

‘I thought your were going to take the penguins to the zoo?’

‘I did, and we had a great time! This week were going to the beach!’

Why do you never see Elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

So walking through the neighborhood every day, I see a lot of dog walkers. Some are incredibly trained – badly. Including the Wanna-Be Dog Trainer at the end of the block whose dogs have a nasty habit of leaping the fence and coming after us.

On the other hand, I have met some incredibly well trained dogs. Rack has a way to go, he’s over eager to meet people but does not have a mean bone in his body.

I had a neighbor with a 160 pound Rottweiler that was named “D. O. G.” Yes, It’s said that “Dio-Gee”. He’s gone now but as a result I have good memories of the breed.

I bet these folks have the same thing to say about Rotties.

 

 

A robber crawls through the window of an empty house.

He begins stuffing jewelry into a pillow case, but is interrupted by a voice saying “Jesus is watching you.”

He is freaked out, of course, but decides that checking it out with a flashlight would attract people. He makes a vow that this will be his last job, and continues emptying the box.

“Jesus is watching you.” The voice came again, even louder this time.

The robber decides he’s has enough, and turns on his flashlight before sweeping it around the room. It eventually came across a beautiful parrot.

“Oi, were you the one talking?” The robber asks angrily.

“Yes. My name is Moses.” The parrot replies.

The robber begins to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. “What kind of people name their parrot Moses?”

“The same kind who name their rottweiler Jesus.”

How do you confuse an idiot? Purple!

A Sunday School Story for Sunday? Yes, sometimes I actually hit the right day for these things. I will say I consider myself fortunate to never have experienced that particular form of Indoctrination personally.
But it is a cute story nonetheless.
A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about.

He told his mother “Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can’t stop thinking about him.
She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.

The mother couldn’t understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her.

To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning.
Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s’ talking about! We learned the hymn ‘Gladly The Cross I’d Bear’”.

When Chemists die they Barium.

While this is a “Wife” joke, and there are far too many of them, I have always appreciated what I associate with Jewish Humor. There’s a certain cadence and rhythm to the joke and a certain understated playfulness in this one.

Or not. Maybe I’m wrong. Couldn’t hurt to tell a joke, right? Like the line about Chicken Soup for a cold: Doesn’t help, couldn’t hurt.

 

 

 

An elderly couple had traveled to Jerusalem.

During their travel to Jerusalem, the wife had suddenly died of heart attack.

The doctor told the husband, “It will cost roughly $100,000 for you to bring your wife back to your own country and hold a funeral there or $100 dollars to hold a funeral here in Jerusalem. Which one do you chose?”

The husband, after hours of thinking, replied to the doctor.

“I will bring her back to my county and bury her there.”

The doctor who is surprised at such choice despite the cost, asked the husband why.

The husband replied, “Some long haired dude died here long time ago and came back to life in 3 days, and I’m afraid of, that.”

Why do the shoes always lose?! Because of defeat!

Sunday Morning. Banging my head against Spanish tests on line. It gets frustrating if the “construct” isn’t explained easily enough that you can grasp it.

You know. It’s not Why Can’t Johnny Learn, but more like Why Can’t The Teachers Make Themselves Understood.

So that may be a bit harsh, but I needed a break. Screaming at the computer does not help…

But laughing at it does.

 

 
A priest, pastor, and clergyman are sitting in a boat, fishing.

Around 7p.m. , it starts to get dark and the three have to get to shore.
Unfortunately , they hit a rock while rowing back and the boat springs a leak.
The 3 begin sinking.

The clergyman and priest begin freaking out, but then the pastor says, “guys, relax! We have faith in Jesus, remember?
If we pray to Jesus with true faith that Jesus will protect us, we can walk on water!”

The pastor prays, and then gets out of the boat.
The priest and clergyman watch in awe as he walks across the water and safely reaches the shore.

The priest says, “If God protected him, He will protect me, too!”.
He prays, and proceeds to exit the boat and walk safely across the water to join the pastor on the shore.

The clergyman says, “Well, if they can do it, I can do it too!”.
So he prays, and gets out of the boat, only to begin sinking.

As the priest and pastor watch the clergyman’s head become surrounded by water, they look at each other and the pastor asks a single question.

“Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?”