Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

Longer Jokes have been a bit “thin on the ground” here lately. On the other hand, when I read the punch line on this one, I laughed loud enough to startle the dog and get the parrot chattering.

I think you’ll like it.

 

Big Jake

It’s a quiet day in the saloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, “Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin’ to town!”.

The bartender, who’s new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, “What’ happening?”.

“D-d-didn’t you hear, man? Big Jake’s comin’ to town!”

The bartender is confused, but rolls with it. But, since he doesn’t want people coming and looting the saloon, he decides to stick around.

Just then, the meanest, tallest, ugliest son-of-a-bitch the bartender’s ever seen bursts into the room. He slams the door so hard it falls clean off its hinges. He’s eight foot tall, and nearly as wide. Every inch of his face is either scarred or tattooed. His ears are pierced with two massive railroad spikes. He picks up a table and throws it straight down through the floor, just to show that he can.

He walks up to the bar and slams his fist down on it so hard that it splits clean in two. “HEY, BARKEEP!”, he yells. “GIMME THAT BOTTLE O’ WHISKEY!”

Shaking, the barkeeper hands the bottle over. In one massive gulp, he downs the entire bottle before smashing it over his own head. “NOW GIMME THAT BOTTLE O’ TEQUILLA!”

Again, the barkeeper hands over the bottle, which the stranger downs in a single gulp before breaking the bottle over his head. He scoops up some of the glass and eats it, just to show how tough he is.

Wanting to stay on his good side, the bartender asks him, “I-i-is there anything else I can get you, sir?”.

The stranger says “THANKS PARDNER, BUT I GOTS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, FAST! I HEARD THAT BIG JAKE’S COMIN’ TO TOWN!”

How do intruders get inside your home? In through the window!

This first of three I quote all the time.

Usually while smiling at the person I am talking to.

You will see why very shortly!

 
Two physicists go hiking

A theoretical physicist and an applied physicist go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Suddenly they spot a black bear running towards them. The applied physicist starts taking off his boots.

The theoretical physicist says, “It’s not possible to outrun a bear.”

The applied physicist says, “I don’t. I just have to outrun you.”
My nephew took a career placement test at school.

It told him he was going to be a pirate when he grew up. My sister was furious. She matched to the school and demanded to speak to his teacher.

“Why does this test say that my son is supposed to be a pirate?! Is this some kind of joke?”

The teacher calmly pulled out the boy’s report card.

“No ma’am, it’s not a mistake. As you can see here, your son has an affinity for High C’s.”

 

I once dated a masseuse…

On the first date she massaged my shoulders.

On the second date she massaged my feet.

On the third date she gave me a full body massage.

But, in the end it never worked out.

She kept giving me mixed massages

When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!

When I skate, I do so at a trail that circles an airport and a golf course. Both service activities that skew older. I feel like a youngster at my mid workout stop at the bench outside of the pro show at the golf course.

Those golfers are as bemused by me as I am by them. I roll up with my heart rate coming down from above 170BPM, drenched in sweat, dressed in shorts and t-shirt and protective pads. I park myself and slam down that bottle of water that tastes so very good and almost always, I end up with people who are engaged by this seven foot tall with skates and helmet person.

They always want to share their lives if for only a little bit, and it can be a rather nice turn of pace.

Then as my heart rate drops below 135 and it’s time to go and burn another thousand calories.

Some of the folks there are quite old, and it reminded me of this story when I read it.

 

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes away.

A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”

“Who is it ?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”

If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds!

At the end of the day, a Border Collie reported back to the rancher, “All 50 sheep accounted for, boss!”
“Wait, I only have 48 sheep!” he replied.
“I know,” said the dog, “but I rounded them up.”
I was sitting in a bar and some Comic Sans tried to hit on me.
I said, “Sorry, you’re not my type.”

 

I was eating lunch in the park when all of a sudden a crow landed in front of me and promptly keeled over on its side. I set my lunch down and leaned forward to see what the matter was.

In that moment, an owl swooped in, plucked my sandwich off the bench, and carried it up to the treetop above me. Imagine my further surprise when the crow sprang to its feet and fluttered up to join the owl in devouring my sandwich.

I think they were in caw-hoots.

 

A pilot and his co-pilot fly in an empty passenger plane.

Mid flight, the pilot decides to land the plane with the top of its head torwords the ground. The plane crashes, and everything goes boom. Neither of them survived.

In the after life, the co-pilot asks the pilot: “Why have you done this?”

The pilot answers: “I thought it would go Boeing.”

My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

To The guy who stole my antidepressants I hope you’re happy now!

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his couch while he looks for a job with a night shift opening.

But a week later, during his rounds on the coma ward, Dr. Johnson notices suspicious marks on several necks.

Ted confesses. “I just couldn’t resist.”

Dr. Johnson sighs. “I wanted to help you. I really did. I gave you food, and I even offered you a place to stay. But now, Ted—”

Dr Johnson shakes his head. “You’re beginning to try my patients.”

I got told to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Now I’m a mile away and I have their shoes.

Sorry grandpa

So you are lying on your death bed and you spell something, something nice so you roll right off the bed crawling and you sense it is on the table and you try to stand up and you see your daughters delicious homemade cookies so you try to grab it but your daughter slaps your hand and says “those are for the funeral”

 

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday he then chuckled and said maybe they’ll marry each other.

I’m like yeah cuz my son is going to marry someone twice his age

 

The other day, I read that people eat more bananas than monkeys.

No surprises there. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

 

Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian

 

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale.

They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.

“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

What starts with a T, ends with a T & has T inside? Teapot

Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.

In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

I had hopes of being a professional Bridge player, but I had no finesse so they shuffled me out the door.

Next, I became a personal trainer, but was asked to leave because I wasn’t working out.

I tried working in a muffler factory, but I found that too exhausting.

So, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but in the end I didn’t have the patients for it.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, I really did, but I just didn’t fit in.

As a professional fisherman, I couldn’t catch on and hence I couldn’t live on my net income.

So I tried computer software, but couldn’t get with the program.

I thought I might be one of those professional eaters—pies, hot dogs, and the like—but I didn’t have the stomach for it.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian—until I realized there was no future in it.

I was beginning to feel like my grandfather who was an executioner in the old West. He could never get the hang of it, so they cut him loose.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I eventually quit because it was always the same old grind.

So I tried retirement, and you know what? I’m perfect for the job.