DoNotCall.Gov and cellphone scam

This week I got three copies of a warning by folks who thought this should be on my blog.  The message says that if you don’t sign up for the National Do Not Call Registry before a deadline, your number will be sold to Telemarketers.

Thanks but the message is actually a scam.

Just surf www.donotcall.gov and add your phone number, cell or landline, and you will be blocked from legitimate telemarketers.   That is if such a thing as a legitimate telemarketer actually exists.

There are no deadlines.
The list will not drop you off after so many years.
Set it and forget it.

It won’t stop those politicians that think it is a good idea to annoy people by telling you how you absolutely have got to vote for them or puppies or kittens will frown at you.  It won’t stop people you do business with.  But the ones that follow the rules will stop calling you. 

Trust me on that one, it works.

Consider this, if you are marketing a product by annoying someone, why would you expect them to purchase it?  The first rule of marketing is Do Not Annoy Your Customers.

If you would like to read the message on Snopes, you can see it at this link.

Witticisms of Ignorance – Humor

Our Velma from Philly sent me this list of Witticisms.  I’m reading them as I’m formatting the list for the web and got a few chuckles out of it so I’m sure you will too.

Witticisms of Ignorance

Its not whether you win or lose,  but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk  if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth.. How about a fountain of “smart”?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.   The other two it’s an amusement park.

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don’t succeed skydiving is not for you..

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies…….Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name..

One good thing about Alzheimer’s is, you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama  state motto:  At least we’re not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

You know why a banana is like a politician?  When he first comes in he is green,
then he turns yellow and then he’s rotten.

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

I don’t know whether to thank Diane, Velma, Kevin, and the others that sent me this one.  I just tried it and eventually it’s right, it happened to me.   Disturbing but right.  So try it and see if you’re “Wired Funny” like I am.

I bet you are!

HOW  SMART  IS  YOUR  RIGHT  FOOT?

This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon.  This will boggle your mind and it will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can’t. It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

1). Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY….) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2). Now, while doing this, draw the number ‘6’ in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!!

And there’s nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

Send it to your friends to frustrate them too.

A Nun Was Sitting – Humor

Sorry about the Caps on this one.  It came to me from Velma in a rather nice font that won’t work on the web all in caps.  Translated onto here and it’s all big and SHOUTY and I’m just not going to type it all back in.

The story is cute none the less!

Thanks Velma!

Subject: A NUN WAS SITTING

A  NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY. SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.’

SHE  WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT  HER NICKEL  IN ; OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, ‘YOU  ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,  AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY .’

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ :’YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE..’

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, ‘I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.’ SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT  THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY’S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING  BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.? SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE  MACHINE, THINKING,’THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I’VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.’

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.’

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.’  BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, ‘THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I’VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.’

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE; PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.  IT READ, ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY’

The Haircut

Not so much Humor as this would be an allegory.   A Story designed to state a point.  Velma had sent me this particular one and I thought it was deep enough to hang onto.  Over the last few weeks, it seemed even more so.

Since I don’t have any more Halloween-y posts, I thought this would be a good day to post it.

The Haircut               

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

A list of Puns for Smart People

I knew someone once who said that puns were the lowest form of humor.  I wonder where he is now…
Thanks to Diane Cline for this list!

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu – The same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating – Always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion .

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted – Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Dog Logic

Today I have a number of quotes about dogs.  Just to add one of my own, the next one is on me

If you have ever wondered why you’re so loyal to your dog – just spend a full minute looking into their eyes.

Dog
Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that
he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world
like a puppy licking your face.

-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth
that loves you more than he loves himself.

-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person
than the average person.

-Andy Rooney

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like
never washed a dog.

– Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat,
you aren’t getting enough exercise

-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy
because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
that’s almost $21.00 in dog money.

-Joe Weinstein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life,
but they make our lives whole.

-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can’t count,
try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
and then give him only two of them.

-Phil Pastoret

My Last Trip To Costco

Thank Diane Cline for this one.  I was going through my joke emails that I’ve set aside for the blog, started reading it and laughed.   Since my supply of Purina One is getting low, I may do this next time at BJs Wholesale when I get more!

Now remember, Sharing is caring… Awwww!

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s butt and a car hit me.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.  Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends…it will be their laugh for the day!

Stress

This posting being run on Sunday, I thought I would give you a little tip on Stress Management.  Velma had sent this one to me a while back and I’ve finally gotten to it.

Don’t compare yourself to others you have no idea what their journey is all about!

Stress

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,
 Raised a glass of water and asked,
 “How heavy is this glass of water?”

 Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

 The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter.
 It depends on how long you try to hold it.
 If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem.
 If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm.
 If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance
 In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

He continued,
 “And that’s the way it is with stress management.
 If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,
 As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
 We won’t be able to carry on.”

 “As with the glass of water,
 You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
 When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.”

 “So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don’t carry it home You can pick it up tomorrow.”

“Whatever burdens you’re carrying now,
 Let them down for a moment if you can.
 So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don’t pick it up again until after you’ve rested a while.”

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Always keep your words soft and sweet,
 Just in case you have to eat them.

* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
 It was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

* You may be only one person in the world,
 But you may also be the world to one person.

Have an awesome week and know that someone has thought about you today . . . I did!!!!!

And Then God Created Virginia

I wasn’t so sure I liked this one until I got to the end.  The punchline is the best!

Thanks Kevin!

AND THEN GOD CREATED VIRGINIA
(Even non-Virginians should love this one.)

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, “Where have you been?” God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.” God smiled, “Right next to Virginia is Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”