DoNotCall.Gov and cellphone scam

This week I got three copies of a warning by folks who thought this should be on my blog.  The message says that if you don’t sign up for the National Do Not Call Registry before a deadline, your number will be sold to Telemarketers.

Thanks but the message is actually a scam.

Just surf www.donotcall.gov and add your phone number, cell or landline, and you will be blocked from legitimate telemarketers.   That is if such a thing as a legitimate telemarketer actually exists.

There are no deadlines.
The list will not drop you off after so many years.
Set it and forget it.

It won’t stop those politicians that think it is a good idea to annoy people by telling you how you absolutely have got to vote for them or puppies or kittens will frown at you.  It won’t stop people you do business with.  But the ones that follow the rules will stop calling you. 

Trust me on that one, it works.

Consider this, if you are marketing a product by annoying someone, why would you expect them to purchase it?  The first rule of marketing is Do Not Annoy Your Customers.

If you would like to read the message on Snopes, you can see it at this link.

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Witticisms of Ignorance – Humor

Our Velma from Philly sent me this list of Witticisms.  I’m reading them as I’m formatting the list for the web and got a few chuckles out of it so I’m sure you will too.

Witticisms of Ignorance

Its not whether you win or lose,  but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk  if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth.. How about a fountain of “smart”?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.   The other two it’s an amusement park.

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don’t succeed skydiving is not for you..

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies…….Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name..

One good thing about Alzheimer’s is, you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama  state motto:  At least we’re not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

You know why a banana is like a politician?  When he first comes in he is green,
then he turns yellow and then he’s rotten.

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

I don’t know whether to thank Diane, Velma, Kevin, and the others that sent me this one.  I just tried it and eventually it’s right, it happened to me.   Disturbing but right.  So try it and see if you’re “Wired Funny” like I am.

I bet you are!

HOW  SMART  IS  YOUR  RIGHT  FOOT?

This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon.  This will boggle your mind and it will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can’t. It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

1). Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY….) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2). Now, while doing this, draw the number ‘6’ in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!!

And there’s nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

Send it to your friends to frustrate them too.

A Nun Was Sitting – Humor

Sorry about the Caps on this one.  It came to me from Velma in a rather nice font that won’t work on the web all in caps.  Translated onto here and it’s all big and SHOUTY and I’m just not going to type it all back in.

The story is cute none the less!

Thanks Velma!

Subject: A NUN WAS SITTING

A  NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY. SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.’

SHE  WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT  HER NICKEL  IN ; OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, ‘YOU  ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,  AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY .’

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ :’YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE..’

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, ‘I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.’ SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT  THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY’S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING  BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.? SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE  MACHINE, THINKING,’THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I’VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.’

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.’

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.’  BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, ‘THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I’VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.’

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE; PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.  IT READ, ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY’

The Haircut

Not so much Humor as this would be an allegory.   A Story designed to state a point.  Velma had sent me this particular one and I thought it was deep enough to hang onto.  Over the last few weeks, it seemed even more so.

Since I don’t have any more Halloween-y posts, I thought this would be a good day to post it.

The Haircut               

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

A list of Puns for Smart People

I knew someone once who said that puns were the lowest form of humor.  I wonder where he is now…
Thanks to Diane Cline for this list!

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu – The same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating – Always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion .

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted – Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Dog Logic

Today I have a number of quotes about dogs.  Just to add one of my own, the next one is on me

If you have ever wondered why you’re so loyal to your dog – just spend a full minute looking into their eyes.

Dog
Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that
he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world
like a puppy licking your face.

-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth
that loves you more than he loves himself.

-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person
than the average person.

-Andy Rooney

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like
never washed a dog.

– Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat,
you aren’t getting enough exercise

-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy
because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
that’s almost $21.00 in dog money.

-Joe Weinstein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life,
but they make our lives whole.

-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can’t count,
try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
and then give him only two of them.

-Phil Pastoret