Why was the fishing show so successful? They had a great cast

Proper Etiquettes

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?” Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

 

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I want to tell you a joke about procrastination. . . tomorrow.

A family is driving in their car on a holiday.

A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.

Frog is grateful, thanks the man for saving his life, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

The man says, “please make my dog win the next dog race.”

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

The man says, “Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area.”

Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog looks at the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”

Why did the snake exterminator cross the road? To get to the adder cide.

A redneck calls up the White House…
Redneck: I’d like to sign me up to be the next President of the United States!

Receptionist: What are you, an idiot?
Redneck: I dunno, is that required?

 

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.

 

A man was standing in front of his bathroom mirror shaving
His young son came in the room and said: “Dad, when I grow up I want to be just like you!”

The man puffed up his chest proudly and asked: “Why’s that son?”
His son replied: “So I can have a son just like me”

 

 

So what do you do?
I sell prosthetic limbs to various countries.

So you’re like a med rep, but for amputees?
I prefer international arms dealer.

 

A bear walks into a bar and says, “give me a whiskey and…. cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
The bear then answered. “I’m not sure, I was born with them.”

 

A gentleman walks into a store tells the sales associate “I need an anniversary gift. Do you have any perfume?”

Lady shows him a bottle, he asks “how much?”

She replies “$50”.

He asks for a cheaper bottle.

She shows him another bottle.

“How much?”, “$20” she replied.

He asks again “anything cheaper?

She shows him a mirror.

My boss ordered me to take a diversity awareness program. I shouldn’t have said I was lactose intolerant.

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches…

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years!

So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they’re gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same sandwich, and jumps to his death. The second one opens his lunchbox, same story, jumps. And the third one opens his, sees another same sandwich as yesterday, and jumps off to his demise.

At their funeral, the first construction worker’s wife cries, and through her tears says “He should have told me, I would have made him a different sandwich”.
The second wife totally devastated whimpers “He never complained about his sandwich, I should have known…”, and continues crying.
And the third one cries “Oh what an idiot I married, he made his own sandwiches”

My favourite word is “confidential”. I can’t tell you why.

I’m watching my neighbor who owns a pair of apartment buildings walk around on his roof. We’re commenting “Careful, if you fall through that roof, who will you sue?”

So of course this one is appropriate.

Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called “Anderson and Nelson At Law” which has an opening for a new lawyer position.

So on the big day, John gets dressed in a sharp and finely tailored suit and drives out to the firm’s building. He finally gets there about 15 minutes early, but he can’t find a parking space. He drives around the building a few times but still doesn’t find one.

About 10 minutes pass and he starts to panic, this was his dream! It took him months to have his resume accepted by a firm, and he is worried it may take much longer for another to accept if he misses this interview slot.

As he drives around the building, he starts to pray to God for a parking space.

“God, I don’t know if you exist or not. But I promise, if you give me a parking space right now I’ll go to church every Sunday, I’ll give 25% of my income to charity and I’ll start being a better man.”

All of a sudden, a car pulls in front of him and he notices an open parking space.

He says: “Oh, nevermind God! There’s one now!”

I’m giving away my roof for free! Don’t worry, it’s on the house.

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.’
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.

‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’

No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something! That was amazing!
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’
Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’

I went bowling with my son yesterday… Next time I’ll use a bowling ball, however he was a good sport. It’s a shame he went on strike, I guess I’ll have to pick up a spare.

When I read this one this morning, I got a big smile on my face. Ladies just might like this one!

 

 

 

Compliments

This 60 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her awhile then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?”

She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.”

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 60 year-old ass?”

She says, “Well, your name never came up.”

 

 

As for this second one? Everyone has something to be laughed at!

 

 

A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home

When the son comes home:
Dad – So you were at school right?

Son – yeah
Lie Detector – BEEP

Son – Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends
Lie Detector – BEEP

Son – ….I was having a few beers with my friends

Dad – What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol
Lie Detector – BEEP

Mom – Hahahaha! Well honey, he IS your son
Lie Detector – BEEP