I saw an elephant crossing the road. I named him a Chicken

Joanne Worley would appreciate that … “WAS THAT A CHICKEN JOKE?”
The woman never said anything quietly!

As for this joke… I can tell it, I’m part Irish.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow b) Thrush c) Magpie d) Cuckoo

“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick, ”So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin…”

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Mick!” cried Paddy, “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.

“Dat it is.”

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won one million euros!”

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

“Because he lives in a clock!”

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They say you can hear your blood pump … if you listen varicosely.

I was walking down the street when I came across a particularly dirty looking homeless man

I took out my wallet, extracted $10, and asked “if I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” Replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?”

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, and hunting.”

What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on the same book for centuries? Church

This one got me laughing so loudly that I woke the dog.  Enjoy!

 

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should.”

“Why not? ” the nun asked.

“Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. ”

“Nonsense,” said the nun, “I’ll just look the other way.”

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?”

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister?”

Did you know that the British have a special piece of clothing for their favorite meal of the day? It’s called a Tea Shirt.

I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife.

Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn’t want to miss that part of the soap opera.

Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing.

She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. “Hello”, she said.
“Since you’re in the kitchen, could you bring me a beer?”, I asked on the phone.

I don’t know if it was my golf club or my son’s baseball bat, but everything after that is a blank on my mind.

What do you think will happen in 3 years time? I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision.

Looking for their wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”
The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter – let’s look for yours.”

Why don’t cows skip leg day? To keep their calves in shape!

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.
After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.

He looked up at his dad and asked “How do fish breath under water?”
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”
Once again his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, his dad replied. “Don’t know, son.”

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”
“Of course not son.” replied his dad, “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”

Pee in the pool and nobody bats an eye. Do it from the diving board and everyone loses their minds

Ok, so it’s a wee joke with a wee bit of humor!

An old couple celebrate their 50th anniversary at a restaurant that they used to regularly go on dates to.

It was a particularly fancy establishment and a few drinks into their visit, the elderly husband stood from his seat, looks around and asks his wife, “Do you think we should go behind this place and relive our first time here, like against the fences?”

With a smile and a nod, the wife agrees and they venture outside and into the alley around the restaurant.

Not long afterward, a bike patrol cop rolls past the alleyway and hears the most intense love-making session known to man, the couples’ shouts echoing into the street.

He flashed his headlights onto the couple just after they had finished and with a puzzled look, he asked “What are you two doing? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a couple go at it with such passion and intensity in all my years.”

The old man, pulling his pants up and buckling his belt, replied, “Yeah, well fifty years ago this place didn’t have electrified fences here.”