A lawyer walks into a bar. He should have ducked.

There are a few professions that get no respect.  Lawyers are one.

Even Shakespeare got into the game, however that specific quote didn’t really mean what we think it did.  “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers” is actually said by a criminal in how to improve a country.

In other words, how to make a place better is to remove all the laws.

Or as it was once explained to me, If you want Anarchy just get rid of the Lawyers.

Since it’s a Sunday Morning that’s a little deep so I’ll just lob these two lawyer related jokes over the fence for your enjoyment, neighbor.

 
An engineer dies and goes to hell.

When he gets down there and starts going through his punishment he get really tired of the constantly bad living conditions, so he starts working.

He makes an industrial air conditioner and gets the temperature under control.

He makes some industrial mining machines and clears the forced labor punishments.

He overhauls the living situations with an entire city of high rise apartments.

Eventually God looks down and notices that he’ll is no longer, well, hell. He calls the devil up to explain what’s going on so the devil tells him, “I got an engineer, it’s awesome!”

God exclaims “An engineer!? I’m sorry that was a mistake you need to send him to heaven where he belongs.”

The devil laughs and tells him no.

God says “don’t make me sue you over this.”

The devil starts cackling and asks “Where are YOU going to get a lawyer!”

God cooly replies “All the good ones argued their way out of hell.”

Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

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A Baker’s Dozen of Themed One Liners

When you get people sending you jokes, you rapidly get a collection. Like all collections sometimes you get some patterns and groups. Variations on a theme.

My Jokes file is getting a bit long at this point so I collected a few of these themes and put them out for your “enjoyment”.

I do have a habit of liking “Dad Jokes” or “Groaners” so these should run pretty quickly for you.

 

Why do ducks make bad babysitters? Because they use fowl language!
Why did the Time Traveler run away from the park? The first time he went to one he ran over his grandpa while getting chased by a pair of ducks….
A doctor walks into a bar. He should have ducked.
Two men walk into a bar. . . “Doors over here,” says man number 3.
A perfectionist walks in to a bar. He walks out again because the bar wasn’t set high enough.
How did the vacuum cleaner die. It bit the dust.
How do you cure a peanut allergy? Give them peanuts.
How do churches acquire holy water? They boil the hell out of it.
Doctor, doctor I think I’m turning into a cat. Don’t ask meow.
I got my cat to cut my grass today. Such a good lawn meower.
Gave my cat a bath. I gave my cat a bath the other day… they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me too. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…
I have a bird feeder in my garden. It’s also a cat feeder.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted to challenge the powers of the establishment, which makes him not chicken at all if you ask me.

I took a video of my shoe yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.

Yep, it’s a two-fer. Haircuts and Lawyers. Or is it? reality is that both of these subjects are prime fodder for someone to twist into a story with a punch line at the end.
Not me though, it’s an early sunday morning and I need to go to skate!

 
How long before I can get a haircut?

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” . The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours”. The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About 2 hours”. The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes”. Bill comes back laughing hysterically after a while.

The barber asks “Bill, Where did he go when he left here?” Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”

 

 

 

A guy calls a law office…

A guy calls a law office and says: “I want to talk to my lawyer.”

The receptionist replies, “I`m sorry, but he died last week.”

The next day the guy phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and says, “I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”

And the guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”

Someone calls you a contrarian. How do you prove ‘em wrong? By agreeing.

One thing I have learned, if someone is in a position of wealth or power, they generally are at least clueless or lacking in common sense.

Sure they have specialized knowledge, but generally they aren’t the kind of person you want to associate with during your own personal time, without some sort of “reason”. It’s not normally completely a free association without strings attached.

This is the kind of thing I’ve seen in an office. So for me it’s more of a strange flashback sort of thing than a joke.

 
The CEO

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

 

On the other hand, Job Interviews are never a positive experience. I’ve been on both sides of the table and frankly it seems like you are trying to either be or dodge the gatekeepers.

So I got a certain smile with this next one

 
Job Interview

– How was your job interview yesterday?

– Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table… He pointed towards his Laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop.. He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of “The Wolf of Wall Street” movie.. So I took the laptop and left..

– Left…!! Then what? -Nothing 30 minutes later he called me up… begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it..
So I asked him: Will you buy it ??

Where do wunderkind go to drink? The Wunderbar!

I have always been fascinated by languages. Both human languages and computer languages. They all serve a basic purpose: to exchange information and to give instruction.

Some of the more interesting human languages have a host of sounds that you are not going to run across in English and European languages like the click languages in southern Africa. Each Click is a different letter, and some of these same languages have a number of different clicks.
An anthropologist visits a local translator in Zimbabwe.

“I’d like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe,” he says. “But I haven’t had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?”

The translator smiles. “Ah yes, it is difficult to find them. This particular tribe has little interest in Westerners. But they will still meet with you. All you need to do is head to a specific plateau, and wait there after saying this phrase.” He uttered a series of Xhosa syllables and clicking sounds. The anthropologist took careful note of the phrase and thanked him.

On his way, he became slightly lost but eventually came upon a plateau fitting the description. He stood on the edge and proceeded to make the clicking sounds. A few moments later, a woman from the tribe arrived. He smiled and began to introduce himself, but the woman suddenly started flirting and rubbing herself all over him.

Unsure what to do next, the anthropologist froze, but a few moments later, the translator appeared and shooed her away.

“This is the wrong plateau, my friend,” he laughed. “This is a meeting place for prostitutes!”

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry….” the anthropologist began.

“It’s perfectly fine, my friend. Just be more careful what you click on, you could have gotten a virus!”

What do your dog and your cell phone have in common? They both have Collar ID.

It’s a two-fer. Why? They go together. That and the second one is stuck in my head for the second damn day and working my last nerve as an “earworm”.
But they’re cute. Enjoy.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”

I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

 

 
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words…

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev–AHHHHHH!

 
See! Now you’re humming it too!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food no atmosphere!

Sitting around the house having a conversation about what food to make, what snacks to bake, and when to have it.  I guess my own little kitchen has no atmosphere too.

If I make a pizza, I won’t have time to make Hotteoks (Korean Donuts).

If I don’t make a pizza, Hotteoks are on order, and I won’t need to make cookies.

End result, snacks for after the workout are made and we had pizza the last two days.

Kind of a strange place to write that, but it is a blog after all.

So go enjoy this story about Curry and make some Hotteoks or Pizza or just whatever you like, right?

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perform, the Orchestra was horrible, everything was off pitch and no one seemed to have any rhythm.

Displeased, Kim ordered for the man to be executed. When asked what his final meal was to be, the man replied “I want a curry so spicy my eyes will melt.” The man ate the curry and began tearing up at how spicy it was, and it was time for him to be executed.

He was sat down in the chair and the switch was pulled. Sparks flew and smoke quickly filled the room, but the man appeared to be completely unharmed!

Surprised by this miracle, the Supreme Leader says “Alright, I’ll give you another chance to entertain me” and the man quickly went to work composing another masterpiece.

Again he assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea and went before the Leader to perform, but this time the Orchestra performed even worse, by far the worst music to ever hit the Leader’s ears.

So Kim Jong Un again orders for the man to be executed and again he was asked for what his final meal was to be. “I want the Spiciest curry in all of Korea” and the guards complied and gave the man the Spiciest curry he’d ever eaten, even spicier than the last.

The man was then sat down in the chair and the switch was pulled. Again Sparks flew and smoke filled the room, but again the man was completely fine!

“Alright,” says the Supreme Leader, “I will give you 1 last chance to impress me” and the man went back to work. For a third time he assembled the best Orchestra in all of Korea and went to perform in front of the Leader.

But once again it was horrible, so bad in fact that Kim had to cover his ears to block it out. So once again the man was ordered to be put to death.

“Very well,” said the man, “For my final meal I wish for the Spiciest curry in the entire world.”

“No,” said the Supreme Leader, “I have had it with your magical curry, you will be put straight to death.” And so the man was strapped into the chair and this time the switch was pulled by none other than the Supreme Leader himself.

Sparks flew and smoke filled the room but the man still remained untouched! “What?!?!” exclaimed the Leader. “But how, you didn’t eat any curry.”

“Oh no no no sir, it was never about the Curry,” said the man,

“I’m just a poor conductor.”