What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

Nothing like a few short jokes to clear your head, and today I am continuing that on from yesterday.

Just look at them and smile, I’m sure there’s something to be a bit edgy for someone here!

—- Short Jokes —-
An eight year old girl went to office with her dad on “Take your kids to work Day”…

As they were walking around the little girl starting crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

A woman was walking home with her 3 daughters.
The first one asked here “Mom why did you chose my name” and the mom says “Well, when we were walking home from the hospital a rose petal fell on your head so we named you Rose”

The second daughter then asks. “What about me?” The mom responds “On the way home from the hospital a lily petal fell onto your head sober called you Lily.”

The third daughter then says “HHHGGGGGHGLLHHHGGGGGGGGFFFFLFFFGHGG” And the mom replies “Hush now cinder block”

….

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my drowning dog, after he climbed out he handed me my dog and said “Here is your dog, keep him dry and warm and he will be fine” I asked, “Are you a vet?”.

He replied, “Vet? I am soaking”

Slept like a log last night… woke up in the fireplace..

Actually that’s not strictly true. I don’t have a fireplace in my house. It’s in Florida, and if you are lucky you get to use it once a year.

On the other hand, a couple of my neighbors have a Chiminea or an outside fireplace. It’s always a little odd when you step outside and smell burning wood, but they do enjoy sitting out there.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place.
Man: Awwww … Are you single?

Woman: No. I’m a dentist.
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
He also was a very spiritual person.
Finally, because he didn’t eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at…

The bartender tells him “It’s all in the eye of the beer holder”

 

Two muffins are in an oven

The first muffin says “Oh my, it’s getting hot in here!”

The second muffin turns around in shock and screams, “OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!

With the usual weekend dementia, here’s a story about a talking dog. Personally, I think all dogs talk, I’m just not sure all people listen.

 

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says: “Ten dollars.”

The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”

The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

What keeps the ocean from leaking out? The seals.

How about a couple of “Dad Jokes” that are suitable for all audiences?

 

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front of the finish line. Over the course of the next hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.

Why was the tomato so successful?

The tomato paste himself.

 

—- Now, I am embarrassed that I like this one so much. I remember telling it to my nephew when he was a small child and he was laughing about it all weekend! —-

 

Mamma gets Tommy a turtle for his birthday . . .

3 days later she checks it and sees it’s covered with nasty bloody scabs all over the bottom. So she takes it back for an exchange.

2 days later she sees this one also has the same wounds on it’s belly.

She marches back to the pet store with Tommy on tow and yells at the manager that she wants a good healthy turtle this time. The manager is baffled, none of the other customers have had this issue. So he hands her the best turtle he has.

Tommy picks it up and gets on his knees, takes the turtle and swipes in on the floor yelling VRROOM! VROOM!

The first sign of madness is talking to yourself. The second sign is replying.

Say what you will about Southern Culture, they have a way with a story.  There is a long tradition of artfully telling a story down here that is difficult to top.

This is one of those stories that has been told and retold.

Heck, I may be retelling it here again.

Oh wait! It’s a blog, of course I am!

 

The Southern Grandma

-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

Once upon a time, a guy had dementia. What was I writing again?

I had some pretty good professors when I went to University.  Some of them were intensely engaging, and they kept me interested.

My favorite one was in Economics, a basic knowledge of which will help you realize how much, er, Nonsense you are being fed by the people who you voted in.

I can absolutely see him making a speech like this one.

And just think!  You don’t have to pay $100 a Credit Hour to hear it!

 

Marketing concepts.

Professor at college explaining marketing concepts to Students:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. “Marry me!” – That’s Direct Marketing”

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich. “Marry him.” -That’s Advertising”

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich. “Marry me – That’s Telemarketing”

You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: “By the way, I’m rich. Will you “Marry Me?” – That’s Public Relations

You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:”You are very rich! “Can you marry ! me?” – That’s Brand Recognition

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. – “That’s Customer Feedback”

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. – “That’s demand and supply gap”

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” and she
goes with him – “That’s competition eating into your market share”

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your wife arrives. – “That’s restriction for entering new markets”

Why is Santa so damn jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

Tis the Season and all that. Every time I hear about a little man in a Pointy Red Hat, I have to think about one of Santa’s Elves.

In this little story about a little man in a little hat, if he is indeed one of Santa’s Helpers, he got lost.

The little man in the hat.

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the time the musicians would enjoy and encourage the assistance.

One day when this man was off doing his thing, a talent agent who happened to be commuting through the same metro station heard this man’s percussive assistance and had a brilliant idea.

The talent agent realized that his clients, as good as they were with singing lacked a steady rhythm. So the talent agent decided to try to hire this man who had a gift for rhythm.

The agent approached the little man and asked him, “ Hello sir, I represent a certain talent agency that works with famous singers, and I couldn’t stop my self from hearing your rhythmical talents. I was wondering if you would want to come and work for me assisting famous singers maintain a solid beat?”

The little man replies with delight, “Boy, I’d love too!”

The agent says, “Great! What’s your name, I’ll start the paper work as soon as I can and get in touch with you.”

The little man says, “they call me the metro-gnome”.