Where did the mango go? I don’t know, the mango goes where the mangoes

Mmm Mangoes! As I looked over my shoulder and out back and looked at the tree that I ‘hacked back’ three weeks ago.

It did help. Now it’s growing crazy. Hopefully that will translate into more fruit, that’s a really sweet tree!

 

 

A young man decides to move out of the country.

He has a problem though, because his cat is left with no one to care for it, and his mother, old and frail, cannot even take care of herself.

He decides to leave it in the hands of his neighbor, an old woman. He thanks her for taking responsibility and leaves.

One week later he calls.

“Hi, how are you doing?” He asks.
“Fine thank you.” She responds.

“How’s the cat?”
“Oh, he fell off the roof and died.” She deadpans.

The man is extremely irritated, and says “Just like that? After I groomed him, fed him, and took care of him for 6 years? Now I call you and you tell me just like that?” She shrugs.

“At least make it slower, one day tell me he is on the roof, the next day tell me he fell off, the next day tell me his is injured, and the day after that that he is dead. Pacing woman!”

Sighing deeply, he asks slowly “how is my mother?”
“On the roof, she responds.”

The road to inner peace begins with three words: NOT MY PROBLEM.

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home.

“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing!  They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!”
“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says “and I’ll get him in the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

“So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”
“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
“Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does”.

“Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”
The father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that lying son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!”
“That’s my boy!”

What happened to the frogs car? It got toad!

A young man decides to move out of the country. He has a problem though, because his cat is left with no one to care for it, and his mother, old and frail, cannot even take care of herself. He decides to leave it in the hands of his neighbor, an old woman. He thanks her for taking responsibility and leaves.

One week later he calls.

“Hi, how are you doing?” He asks.
“Fine thank you.” She responds.

“How’s the cat?”
“Oh, he fell off the roof and died.” She deadpans.

The man is extremely irritated, and says “Just like that? After I groomed him, fed him, and took care of him for 6 years? Now I call you and you tell me just like that?”

She shrugs.
“At least make it slower, one day tell me he is on the roof, the next day tell me he fell off, the next day tell me his is injured, and the day after that that he is dead. Pacing woman!”

Sighing deeply, he asks slowly “how is my mother?”
“On the roof, she responds.”

How do you turn a stew into gold? Add 24 carrots.

Funny thing about weekend mornings.  Sometimes I have projects to do and sometimes I end up cooking.  Some of the recipes end up here on the blog because I like to share.

Today, I’ve got to get up and make some dog food.  I don’t think my dog shares.

On the other hand people have been sharing one-liners with me, and I have so many in my jokes file that I will share them with you.

I guarantee they taste better than dog food!

  • We’ll we’ll we’ll…  If it isn’t autocorrect!
  • Well well well…  If it isn’t my 3 favorite places to get water!
  • What’s so bad about stalking?  How else do we get corn?
  • Two goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other: “How do you drive this thing?”
  • Why can’t a T-Rex clap?  Because they’re dead.
  • Two bodybuilders walk into a bar.  “Ouch,” says the bar.
  • I use Occam’s razor to shave with.  It’s really the simplest solution.
  • My landscape gardener says he can’t help me.  It seems my garden is in portrait.
  • My friend thought that an onion is the only food that can make you cry… So I threw a coconut at his head
  • It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.
  • What’s the bets part about time travel?  No overdue library books.
  • Did you hear about the fly that entered a cow’s ear and ended up in the milk pail the next morning?  It went into one ear and out the udder.
  • What do you call a problematic person with a gun?  A troubleshooter.
  • What’s the most expensive hotel in the world?  An American hospital.
  • Teaching babies to walk is hard but you just gotta take in one step at a time.

 

And one bonus longer one

A 90 year old farmer goes to the banker for a loan to buy land.

The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
“What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?” The banker asks.
“I’ll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of,” The old farmer answered.
“But what if you go the other direction?” the banker queried.
“Then I’ll deliver it to you in person.”

Bread is like the sun… It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

Speaking of bread, you can rise dough in a couple hours. Make the dough in the morning, have pizza for lunch or make rolls. Enjoy.

Lately I keep reading about a Long Rise Fermentation in the refrigerator for more complex flavor.

Since bread is kind of an obsession here, I’ll let you know how that all goes.

On the other hand, all that has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than the topic. Here’s a story on a completely different subject.

 
There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe’s elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne.

When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king’s tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys.

He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed.

This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: “People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.”

Cop: How high are you? No officer, it’s: Hi, How are you

I just picture this next story as a plot point from the TV show Letterkenny.  Jared Keeto’s character Wayne would stand up and have this distinctive and frankly odd stance when he does.  I don’t get it but I don’t think we’re meant to.

 

 

A man walks into a bar feeling gloomy walks into a bar

“What’s wrong John?” asks the bartender, standing with his legs apart and hands on his hips.

John says, “It’s the wife. I feel like she doesn’t love me anymore. Our love life feels dull and the sex has become routine.”

The bartender starts stroking his chin, legs apart, with one hand on his hip. “Hmmm. Well,I’ve never had a problem with the ladies. In the years of my happy marriage, distance has always made the heart grow fonder.”

John looks at the bartender with a spark in his eye. Without saying a word, he rushes home to his wife. There, she is reading a book in the bedroom, when John bolts in, posing just as the bartender was: legs apart, with his hands on his hips.

In a felt swoop, he rips the clothes off his wife and proceeds to make love to her through the night.

After what seems like hours, she turns to John. Still trying to catch her breath, she asks him what changed.

John gets up, stands with his legs apart and puts his hands on his hips. “It’s this stance”, he says.

“What about this stance, John?”.

He lifts one hand and starts stroking his chin, legs apart and with one hand on his hip.

“This stance makes the heart grow fonder.”

A man with one leg recently got a job working at a brewery. He was put in charge of the hops.

I guess because it’s sunday and because it has been raining here overnight, this one fits… for me at least.

 

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job.
As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding — the job almost finished — he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”