If you’re feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig. It’s a look that anyone can pull off.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf and mute . When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”

Why can’t big cats use tools? Because cheetahs never prosper.

I had the “pleasure” of listening in on a meeting that was populated by Lawyers. As I sat there listening to these people jockeying for position I realized a few simple things.

One, they are paid by the word, not to be concise. It lasted way too long.

Two, it could have been solved if everyone just “Whipped It Out And Measured It”.

Three, The TV Series Better Call Saul is not fiction, it is a Documentary and Vince Gilligan is an incredible writer.

In that vein, I give you a Lawyer Story:

 

Lawyer story

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?’

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bill s that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, ‘Uh . . . no, I didn’t know that.’

‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?’

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’

And the lawyer says, ‘

So . . . if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you ??

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today…. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

With what’s going on these days, half of us will end up being great bakers and cooks, the rest of us will need to start AA soon.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.

Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says “at least he got ice on it right away.”

My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He’s pretty good at it too.

If nobody’s home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

What do you get if you eat onions with beans? Teargas.

Saturdays are for cooking. Much to the chagrin of those around me, my plans are to make some Refried Beans. Mexican spices, and from scratch of course.

I have a small amount of beans soaking since 1030 last night, so that’s 11 hours by my watch.

I’ll let you know how it goes with the recipe. Seems like Abuelita has some tricks up her sleeves, and I do enjoy a good Plato de Refritos on the side of my Taco Casserole.

But meanwhile…
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Mary replied “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”

 

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

 

Please dad, with cranberries

Dad, can we have a dog for Christmas? Please, please, please!

Sorry children, I think we’ll go with turkey as usual

What did mammy corn say to baby corn when daddy didn’t come home????? Wheres popcorn.

Ok not that you really SHOULD do this.  Just keep it in mind when you’re standing in those long lines waiting for your turn at the checker while watching everyone else panic buy.  Then smile.  Or try to.

Oh, I could use some Milk and Eggs.  I want to do some baking!

 

 

15 Things To Do At The Supermarket

Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in housewares….. and see what happens.

Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.

Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.

When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

In the auto department, practice your “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, ”

There is no toilet paper in here!”

What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 meters long? A pi-thon!

Any good story, even these jokes that have a nasty tendency to lean towards the “Dad” variety that I post here, have a germ of truth in them.

A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to
be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied,
“it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.” The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of
the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood
like crazy.”

Two Jealous Husband Jokes that belong together

Personally I find Jealous Husbands at least a bit tedious and most certainly more than a bit unstable.  But when I encountered these two jokes, I just thought they belonged together.

 

A jealous husband hired a detective to keep a watch on his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

I’m a Jealous Husband

My wife went to NYC to meet an old friend for a few days. I stayed home with our son. She was texting me pictures of the things she was seeing and I kept saying how jealous I was.

She and her friend went to a Broadway show and she texted me a picture of the stage from their seats before it started.

I replied “Man, I need some peanut butter.”

It was really hard to do, but I waited for her to reply, giggling to myself like an idiot the whole time. Finally, four hours later after the show was over, I got the text:

“Why do you need peanut butter?”

Me: “Because I’m so jelly.”