What do you call an American parallelogram? A parallelo-ounce.

Strictly speaking, that would be a paralelo-28th-of-an-ounce.

Since I insist on putting Dad Jokes up here on the weekends, whether I should or not, here is a joke purported to have been shared by an Actual Dad!

Yeah, I know, but here ya go!

 

This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don’t offend anyone.
A young man was inspired to help out with his church’s fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The following day the preacher gave him 10. By the end of the week, the young man broke the church’s all time record for the highest sale of bibles.

The preacher believed that divine intervention had occured. He was dumbfounded and had to know the young man’s secret.

So the preacher asked the man how he was able to sell so many bibles in such a short amount of time.

The young man smiled and said,”I asked th-th-them if th-th-they wanted to b-b-buy a bible or have m-m-me read it to th-th-them.”

Who is married to Antarctica? Uncle-Arctica

So this one here? It’s a two fer.

As I like to try to find some connection, no matter how distant or thin that connection could be… this one reminds me of fathers.

Or at least older guys.

 

 

A man gets in the hotel elevator

He hears a voice say “going up” and looks around, weirded out that he can’t see anyone nearby who would have said that.
But when he chooses his floor, the voice says “door closing” and he realizes it was the elevator talking.

So, after his vacation has ended, he gets into the elevator with his suitcase.
When he pressed the ground floor button, the elevator says “goodbye son”.
The man says “how can I be your son? You’re just a machine.”
And the elevator says “I brought you up, didn’t I?”

—-
There was an eighty year old man who went to the doctor for his annual checkup, and when the doctor finished checking him over, he was amazed and said
“Sir, you have the body of a 40 year old, and the physique of a 20 year old; tell me, what’s your secret.”

The old man replies “Well I have a very good relationship with the lord, so much so, that when I go to the bathroom at night he turns the light on for me.”

Now the doctor was just as shocked as you, and as shocked as me, so he went into the waiting room to tell this mans wife the news.

“Ma’am your husband is in great shape; he has the body of a 40 year old and the physique of a 20 year old, and I asked him how he kept in such good shape and he told me that he has a very relationship with the Lord, so much so that when he goes to the bathroom He turns the light on for him. So I was wondering if you knew anything about that.

The wife replied, “Well that would explain whose been peeing in the refrigerator every night!”

Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard? The barber.

Hmmm… I seem to have forgotten to click the publish button here on the wordpress mirror of ramblingmoose.com . . . Sorry folks, here ya go!  Hope you enjoy!  Monday morning and I need more coffee (wanders off muttering at clouds like Abe Simpson…)

 

 

There’s a sign behind a bar in Alaska…
“Your tab paid if you drink a toe whisky, fight a bear and make love to a Lumber-Jane”

A guy has been drinking all day and realises his tab might be bigger than his wallet so he asks the bartender about the sign.

“Sure, you just drink a big glass of that whisky with the toe in it, giving the toe a nice kiss.

Then we got a bear that come round back and messes with the trash and you gotta send her packing. Finally, Mary-Jane is the girl with arms like Popeye. Seduce her and you tab is paid”

The guy agrees and gets poured the whisky with the toe. In two gulps he manages to drink it all, then fishes out the toe and gives it a kiss.

Dropping the toe back in the bottle, the bartender says “well that’s the first one done. Go see if that bear is around”

Wobbling outside, the man goes round to the trash bins and finds a huge grizzly sniffing around.

“I ain’t watching this” says the barman and heads back inside. Through the window there is the sound of growling, shouting, roaring, screaming, clawing and gnashing for about 30 minutes.

Finally the door opens and the man crawls in. “Alright, where’s this woman I’ve got to fight?”

What’s black and white and goes “oom! oom!”? A cow walking backwards.

I have a habit of playing a game with names. Not with people’s names, they tend to get attached to them. This is with dogs. If I hear a strange word, I consider how it would sound if I was trying to call my dog back to me.

It’s strange enough calling “Rack” back, but he seems to like to be called, regardless.

There was Ubu who used to sit on TV. Things like that.

Then there is this particular guy.

 
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night.
Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.

Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes.
After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.”
Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual.
He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it.

Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.”
The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?”
The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies.
The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?”
The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Some guys will stand 5’8” away from you and call it 6’.

Wow, A Joke in Metric and you don’t even need to know that a Meter is 10 Percent more than a Yard!

 

Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe and sits down and remarks, “Wow, that looked really fun! Can you tell me about your stunts?”

Yeah, of course!” The Frenchman replies. “It’s called bungee jumping- all you need is 10 meters of sturdy rope and you’re set. ”

The Moroccan is delighted to know that he doesn’t need any qualifications and goes to buy some a sturdy rope from a nearby store. After his purchase, he climbs to the top of a mosque, tethers the rope to a secure fastener and jumps. But instead of bouncing up and down, he hits the ground at full speed and dies instantly.

The Moroccan police launch an investigation and detain the Frenchman and the store clerk. The police ask the Frenchman what he taught the Moroccan and the Frenchman says that he was precise in his measurements and doesn’t know how he could have died. “I swear, I told him to get only 10 meters of rope!” he exclaims.

“Oh, Merde!” the clerk suddenly exclaims. “He did ask me for 8 meters of rope, but because I know his cousins, I gave him 5 extra meters for free!”

A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it but I think that’s a bit far fetched.

I guess I am feeling generous because here you have a triple play. Three short jokes.

Ba dum bum bum … er bum?

 

Heavy carry-on

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed.
“No more,” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”

 

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.”Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity.”

“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. “So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife.”

One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'”

 
Mr Carrot was out riding his motorcycle on a beautiful day.
Suddenly a car cuts in front of him and he goes flying off his bike. A few hours later Mrs Carrot gets a call from the hospital. “Mrs. Carrot, this is Dr. Carrot, and I’m calling you to let you know that your husband got into a terrible accident.”

“Oh my gosh, no! Is he ok?” she asks

“Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the good doctor says.

“What’s the good news?” she asks.

“He’ll live” the doctor replies.

“So, what’s the bad news” she inquired.

“Well, he wasn’t wearing a helmet and he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life”

I tried giving a giant a pedicure. It was no small feat.

Any time I find a good story I like it. The more Double Entendres, double meanings, I can find, the better.

 

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, “Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she’s in Grade 4”.

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless.

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: OH MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo!

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!”

An aspiring thief entered a play. He stole the spotlight.

I remember when I was very small there were a lot of programs on the TV about crime. I guess the lingering memories about the Mob Era in Chicago kept those pot boilers simmering along.

On the other hand, everybody loves laughing at someone who is a bit clueless.

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf and mute . When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”

Know what really grinds my gears? Poor use of the clutch!

So it’s a good story, told well, twice.  I guess Vermont and New England could be described as the Yorkshire of the US, or vice versa.  Both places have reputations for people who tend to be brief and thrifty with their words.

Unlike me.
Vermont farmer

A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm.

He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer “This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in Texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property”.

The Vermont farmer responds “yup I had a truck like that once”

 

 

A Texan ranch owner

A Texan ranch owner was visiting UK and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of Yorkshire.  He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub.  After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Yorkshireman a question. The conversation went thus:

Texan – “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to the other”.

Yorkshireman – “about 3 hours to walk from one end to the other”

Texan – “If I get in my car to drive from one end of my ranch to the other, it’ll take me a day”

Yorkshireman, after some pause for thought – “Aye, I used to have a car like that.”

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens? A chicken tender.

Since I am getting ready to make a home made, from scratch, pizza… Chicken tenders came to mind. But really it’s all about being broken in a car which is something I am happy to say has not happened to me in a very long time.

 

A man was driving a rental car along a old mountain road in Eastern Europe at night when he started having engine problems

Unable to get a signal on his mobile phone, he saw a lit building not far off and made it there just as the car stalled. Getting out of the car, he knocked on the door.  A monk in a brown habit opened the door.

“Good evening, brother!” greeted the monk. “What can I do for you?”
“I’m very sorry to bother, but I’m having trouble with my car and can’t seem to get my phone to work. Would you have a landline I could borrow to call for help?” asked the man.

The monastery did have a phone.  The man managed to get the car company to send a replacement but it would take a couple of hours to reach.  When the monk heard this, he invited the man to stay for dinner.

“Please have a rest.” assured the monk.  “We’re having fish and chips tonight.”

The man accepted the offer with thanks and sat down to the best fish and chips he had eaten.  Grateful, he asked if he could thank the cook in person.  The monk obliged and went into the kitchen to convey his request. Shortly after, another monk walked out.

“Thank you so much for the fantastic meal!” exclaimed the man.  “You must be the chip monk.”
“You’re most welcome but no, that would be him.” explained the monk pointing at a third monk who was walking over. “I’m the fish friar.”