Why dont you ever see rhinos hiding in trees? They’re good at it!

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified, they did so thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


I’m not bragging, but I made six figures this year so they named me the year’s worst employee at the toy factory…

The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers.

Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger.

All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony.

Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, sturdier. Turns out, Thumb worked quite well with the individual Fingers, and everyone found that they could perform better and do more with Thumb’s help.

Thumb became so useful to the Fingers that soon they found they could not live without his help.

Thumb began to make demands of the Fingers; first it was just more pay, but then he wanted more and more. A diamond-studded glove, a luxury car, the list of demands became longer and longer.

But what could the Fingers do? They resented Thumb’s demands, but needed his help far too much to risk alienating him.

Eventually, Thumb was elected King. And if you think regular Thumb was demanding, King Thumb was worse.

Soon, all the Fingers began to resent King Thumb, for his rulings were tyrannical, and he never, ever trimmed his nail.

The Fingers began to despair, for they feared they would never be able to stand up to King Thumb.

Until one day, when Pinky realized that the Fingers could indeed stand up to the tyranny of King Thumb.


Until then, everyone thought that it was impossible to stand up to Thumb, but Pinky remembered that all Thumbs are, in fact, opposable.

When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it’s fully groan.

Now that we’re all bleary eyed and half awake after the time change here in Florida, and the rest of the world is still pointing and laughing… I have a Dad Joke. Or rather, this is the kind of Dad Joke my Dad would tell.


Happy Groaning


Do The Wrong Thing

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”


The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another” trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”


I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.

This is one of those jokes that I have heard told a number of times – but it is told very well here for me to share with you.


What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”



What do you think will happen in 3 years time? I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision.

There existed a small nation with a peculiar practice.
The people of each town chose their mayor by magically imbuing life into inanimate objects and letting the sentient objects dispense laws.

Often the objects they chose and the way those objects acted reflected the spirit of the villagers that created it.

The wealthy village in the north was represented by a big diamond that spoke with a posh accent and tended to be a bit disconnected from the working class.
Meanwhile, a friendly wholesome community in the west was ruled over by a blueberry muffin that was determined to instill strong morals in its village and always spoke kindly of those it met.

In the south there was a rural, backwater village that was unhappy with its mayor: a wooden 2×4 that spoke with an embarrassing hillbilly accent.
His speeches were excruciatingly slow and drawn-out.

The townspeople implored him to speak with a bit more distinction, but the old 2×4 always fell back into his lazy old tongue.
Though the community built around the mayor did indeed reflect its values well enough, they thought they deserved better.
They spent years trying out different objects to varying degrees of success–a haughty but untrustworthy umbrella; a bashful stapler that couldn’t quite get the hang of being a government official.

The people of the village tried and tried but always found that the new inanimate-object-turned-mayors they created were never any better than the original.
Eventually they gave up, saying, “Well, back to the old drawling board.”


I heard there will be curling in the Olympics, so I told my sister who’s a hairdresser. Boy did I get that one wrong.

So you know “Proofing” your yeast is making sure it actually is alive by adding it to some lukewarm water and a little sugar before adding it all to bread dough.

(watch I’ll get that one a little off)



A pair of bakers were experiencing a supernatural crisis.
A magical, living snowman had laid a curse on their bakery and they could no longer produce anything.
No pastries, no cookies, no muffins, or cakes. Their proofing oven no longer allowed dough to rise.
Their refrigerator couldn’t keep a chill.
Stovetops were cool to the touch.

Unsure of how to proceed, they called in a specialist in obscure curses to diagnose the issue.
They put some cookie dough on a sheet tray and set it in the oven, but it just would not cook!
The oven felt hot. The dough was made correctly.
It was as if the ability to bake had completely fled the confines of the oven.

“Well,” the old curse expert started, “it seems the functionality of all your appliances are, in fact, still here in the bakery, they have just somehow been displaced to other areas.”
“What do you mean?” a baker asked.

“For example, if we put a lump of bread dough back in the storage racks, it begins to rise as if it is proofing. This must mean that the functionality of your proofing oven still exists, it’s just been relocated. It is all very strange.”
“Is there anything we can do?”

“We will need to break the curse by cancelling it out with some magic of our own. Do you own anything that might be imbued with a hex or charm?”
One of the bakers chimed in that his grandmother had left a silicon baking mat that she purportedly charmed to magically prevent her cookies from burning.
It had been stored away in a dusty old box for years, but surely there was still an ounce of power that remained.

The baker went home to dig up the old mat while his coworker and the curse specialist mapped out where the different functionalities of the appliances had moved to.
The ability to bake, they determined, had been relocated to the bathroom.

It would make a suitable testing ground for their experiment to see if the two conflicting curses would break one another.
When the other baker returned, they lined a cookie sheet with the silicon mat and headed for the toilet.

Years later, the old curse expert was telling the story at a convention for the supernatural.

He got up on stage and recalled, “They crossed he; the snowman. He’s a fairy tale they say. He’s made of snow, but now the bakers know how he ruined their life one day. But there must have been some magic in that old Silpat they found. For when they placed it in the head, the dough began to brown.”



Why did the otter cross the river? To get to the otter side

Okay – I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.