What’s worse than a pathological liar? A pathological truth teller.

I live in a city where there are literally herds of Ducks wandering around.

It started when a woman with no life and serious OCD started feeding them.

Then I ended up with 17 of them literally on my front porch that is about the size of a California King Bed.

Then we noticed foxes started showing up in the neighborhood.

When you have ducks breeding, you have baby ducks. When you have baby ducks and foxes, the foxes win.

The moral of that story is If You Want To Feed Foxes, Toss Some Crackers at the Ducks.

 

And on that subject of Ducks…

 
A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

How do you make Bears listen to a story? Take away the B and they’re all ears.

The broken light.

Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy.

An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said.

“This is not a job for just one person. You need more people to help you.” He said, so I got my wife to help. Still no good.

“More people” he said as he saw it still not working. So at that point, I got my son and daughter to help as well but still no luck

“Many more.” He said. Luckily the neighbors were home and after a quick discussion with them I had the whole clan from next door over to help. In total there were now 11 people, plus the maintenance man in the lounge.

At this point the maintenance man tells me to get everyone to touch the switch and to try it again and sure enough, it worked. I was flabbergasted and asked how and why this had worked now where it wouldn’t before with just myself

He replied ” Many hands make light work”

I’m trying out this new all-sugar diet. It’s pretty sweet.

The thing is that over my life, I’ve had to rebuild my body three times.

There was a time my bike got hit by a speeding car, a car wreck, and a dropped motorcycle.

I’ve found that I can do it, but really nobody should have to rebuild themselves. Once is quite enough.

Working out can be a blast, like these insane inline skate workouts that I used to do and have to slow myself down from doing again. 13.5 miles instead of 33 and that sort of thing where a workout becomes an Exercise in Logistics instead of maintaining a steady 173 BPM heart rate over an hour and a half.

If you are looking down at your belt and it … disappears, it’s time to look at ways to burn an extra calorie or five in many ways. When I blew my knee out during a race, I found myself getting off the train an extra stop, then two to walk the extra distance.

I’d get to work and for a while, I would climb the stair tower up and down to the office. Since the office was up on the Ninth Floor, it was a respectable way to burn a few.

These folks here, well they’re working on the 60th floor. I’d suspect if they’re climbing a 60 floor stair tower, they are nowhere near Fort Lauderdale, and have other problems to look after.

 

Three friends work in a skyscraper

All three friends work at the 60th floor.
One day the elevator doesn’t work so they have to take the stairs.
The three friends make a decision that one of them will sing for 20 floors, the next will make jokes for the next 20 floors and the last friend will tell tall tales for the last 20 floors.

Once the friends reach the 40th floor the friends had a great time. The songs and jokes were appreciated.
Now it’s the turn of the last friend, and the tall tales are also very much appreciated.

When they reach the door of their office at the 60th floor the friend of the tall tales and says:

“I have another tall tale for you guys, I forgot the keys to the office…”

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

Nothing like a few short jokes to clear your head, and today I am continuing that on from yesterday.

Just look at them and smile, I’m sure there’s something to be a bit edgy for someone here!

—- Short Jokes —-
An eight year old girl went to office with her dad on “Take your kids to work Day”…

As they were walking around the little girl starting crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

A woman was walking home with her 3 daughters.
The first one asked here “Mom why did you chose my name” and the mom says “Well, when we were walking home from the hospital a rose petal fell on your head so we named you Rose”

The second daughter then asks. “What about me?” The mom responds “On the way home from the hospital a lily petal fell onto your head sober called you Lily.”

The third daughter then says “HHHGGGGGHGLLHHHGGGGGGGGFFFFLFFFGHGG” And the mom replies “Hush now cinder block”

….

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my drowning dog, after he climbed out he handed me my dog and said “Here is your dog, keep him dry and warm and he will be fine” I asked, “Are you a vet?”.

He replied, “Vet? I am soaking”

Slept like a log last night… woke up in the fireplace..

Actually that’s not strictly true. I don’t have a fireplace in my house. It’s in Florida, and if you are lucky you get to use it once a year.

On the other hand, a couple of my neighbors have a Chiminea or an outside fireplace. It’s always a little odd when you step outside and smell burning wood, but they do enjoy sitting out there.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place.
Man: Awwww … Are you single?

Woman: No. I’m a dentist.
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
He also was a very spiritual person.
Finally, because he didn’t eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at…

The bartender tells him “It’s all in the eye of the beer holder”

 

Two muffins are in an oven

The first muffin says “Oh my, it’s getting hot in here!”

The second muffin turns around in shock and screams, “OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!

With the usual weekend dementia, here’s a story about a talking dog. Personally, I think all dogs talk, I’m just not sure all people listen.

 

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says: “Ten dollars.”

The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”

The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

What keeps the ocean from leaking out? The seals.

How about a couple of “Dad Jokes” that are suitable for all audiences?

 

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front of the finish line. Over the course of the next hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.

Why was the tomato so successful?

The tomato paste himself.

 

—- Now, I am embarrassed that I like this one so much. I remember telling it to my nephew when he was a small child and he was laughing about it all weekend! —-

 

Mamma gets Tommy a turtle for his birthday . . .

3 days later she checks it and sees it’s covered with nasty bloody scabs all over the bottom. So she takes it back for an exchange.

2 days later she sees this one also has the same wounds on it’s belly.

She marches back to the pet store with Tommy on tow and yells at the manager that she wants a good healthy turtle this time. The manager is baffled, none of the other customers have had this issue. So he hands her the best turtle he has.

Tommy picks it up and gets on his knees, takes the turtle and swipes in on the floor yelling VRROOM! VROOM!